Sugar, Sugar

Well, I have been bad at updating my progress!!  Oops!  Something about growing a tiny human inside of me has made it harder to have the energy to do everything I would like!

So, to catch up...I am officially off all my fertility meds!  Woohoo!  The weaning process was short and my body cooperated!  I had my last appointment with the RE on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving!  I am officially an infertility clinic graduate!  Yay!  And to be honest, I don't think that Jason and I will be back, except to visit and show off the belly and the baby!

After the great news at my Wednesday appointment, we told the boys and Jason's mom.  And now we are telling everyone.  It is exciting to get to share the news with people!  I am hoping to be able to post it soon to Facebook and Instagram and then it will be out for the world to know!

I have been feeling pretty good, and have just been trying to enjoy being pregnant, although I would say that the first trimester is probably the hardest to just enjoy! I am so excited, but you don't really look pregnant, and I have been so tired, that it just seems like it is a dream some times.  I think once the baby bump is really super popping (you know when people/strangers know you are pregnant and not just getting fat), and you can start feeling them move and all, then it will be more real, and easier to enjoy! Plus, I hear you get some extra energy in the 2nd ti...

I am already nesting...I want to clean up and clean out!  I want everything just right...it is way early, and I can only imagine how much worse it might get.

Today, I am at the lab, I am having my first glucose tolerance test done...can I just say YUCK?  I mean, the solution is not as bad as the colonoscopy prep solution, it is kind of like the nasty orange drink they served you in elementary school at parties- super sugar syrupy...and since I was on mostly water until my stomach started feeling queasy and then only drink Sprite/7up (and that feels super sugary), it was a shock to the system.  But I got it down.  Now I am waiting.

Tomorrow we tour the first hospital birthing center.  Based on how we feel about it, we might tour the hospital in the next big town over.  I have heard the second one is much nicer but I am not sure if I want to deal with changing doctors, etc.  It will depend on what we see, I guess.

Ok, I am just sitting here, waiting, processing sugar, and hoping everything looks stellar!

Late Update

I haven't posted in a while.  Just been busy and tired, and not always feeling 100%.  I have been very lucky and not had any major morning sickness...a few times I felt like I was going to be sick and was able to keep it under control.  However, I have been very tired a lot of the time, and had some pretty nasty heartburn.

I have tried all the advice to avoid the heartburn and none of it works.  It gets worse in the evening.  Poor Jason has to fend for himself some because by the time dinner comes around sometimes, all I can eat is bread.  I think if I could do milk more, it might be better, but between my stomach and thyroid meds, there isn't much of a milk option.

I went to my 8 week ultrasound last Friday and all looks good.  The doctor felt comfortable starting to wean me off the meds, and my butt is rejoicing!  I will still have a little while of shots while we work our way off them, but knowing an end is in sight is glorious!!!

After I was done with my appointment, I headed to the mall and got me some maternity jeans.  I guess I technically don't "need" them yet, but they are just so much more comfortable than my regular jeans...and I don't want a belt or a button poking and smashing my baby!!  Elastic waistbands for the win!!

I have been super craving Cuties- but I am not sure it is baby related...I always love them and only seem to really find awesome ones during this time of the year.  So, I have been eating my fair share when the heartburn allows it.

Overall, everything is great.  I am happy, Jason is happy, and we are just loving our little butterbean that is growing like crazy!!

Heart Beating!!

We had the ultrasound!  It was so awesome!!  We got to hear the heartbeat!  It was strong and steady at 112 BPM!  I loved it!!  I am so excited that I can't quite put it all in words!  I love it all!!  Next appointment is November 14th!

Morning Not Feeling Well- It Isn't Full Sickness Yet

We have made it to 6 weeks.  I woke up today and felt an intense wave of puke coming on... I wasn't sure if I could keep it down.  But I did.  I talked myself off the edge and just laid there and let myself come down from the edge.  I know I may not always be so lucky, but this morning, I was.

I was brushing my teeth and actually gagged too.  I am hoping I won't get to the point I can't brush my teeth because I throw up.  That will be gross!

Went to work, and all was good until about 10:30.  I almost lost it again then.  I ate a few Teddy Grahams and it seemed to help a little.  I had lunch at 11:15 and still don't feel great, but do feel a little better.  BUT I AM EXHAUSTED! I seriously wanted to lay down on the filthy carpet here at work and take a nap.  This is seriously gross carpet- I am pretty sure they only vacuum once a quarter, maybe less...but I was so sleepy, it sounded like a possibly good plan.  But since we have glass doors/walls, I was worried someone would see, think I fell/passed out and try to call 911.  Wouldn't that be humiliating!! Instead, I am writing here and hoping I can get some energy from down deep!

Wednesday morning is our ultrasound...it is at 11:30.  I am going to have to bring some snacks because I am not sure I can wait to have lunch without them.  I am hoping to also get a Smallcakes Cupcake...I love them and the last several trips I haven't gotten any, but with good news, I am going to!  A celebratory cupcake sounds fabulous!!

We are debating how long to wait to tell more people.  I am getting anxious to let it out and I think Jason is too!  Hopefully, it won't be too long!!

Waiting

The waiting game in IVF is definitely one of the hardest parts.  When you first start this whole process you are scared of the shots- you see those big needles and think "Holy HELL, I have to stick myself with that!!"...and you understand why people pass out when they see needles.  But then you start giving them to yourself, or if you are lucky, you have someone who can give them to you.  You think you are going to make it through the worst part.  But then you realize you haven't even gotten to the worst part yet.

After they have done the egg retrieval, the first wait begins.  I mean you have been waiting before this, but those waits, they are nothing...they are excited waits, and the fear hasn't taken hold yet.  But after they harvest you, then the crazy starts to set in.  You start to think about and analyze what the numbers mean- did they get enough or too many?  Too few and you might not have any make it out and too many, does it mean there is something wrong?  If you are smart, you stay away from Google. But most of us are new, and we don't know, so you start Googling...and you start seeing statistics and trying to apply those to your eggs.  You hope for 60-70% fertilization rate, and more if you can get it. Then you wait for the first call...to tell you how many made magic in the dish...

After that first call, it is more waiting..waiting to see how many grow to day 3...and what it means...what does the attrition rate of embryos mean, are my eggs bad, are my hopes and dreams over?  Then you google and wait, and each second makes you feel a little more clammy and panicky...it sucks.

They call, and you get an update...some people make decisions to transfer then, but others of us, we wait it out longer...until day 5....and some of us, we wait even longer because they freeze them and run biopsies.  You wait, and you wait...and you Google.  Oh the bain of all IVF is Google!  Why the info out there can be helpful, it can be so panic inducing to see some of the tragedies of IVF and all that is out there.

When they call and give you the results of the biopsy screening, you think the worst of the waiting is over...but you are just getting started.  This has been a ramp up for the next round of waiting... and it is harder still!

If you do an FET, you realize you have a wait that is short, but scary.  The wait during the thaw...where you are waiting to hear how your little embryo or embryos survived...did they make it, are they thriving and expanding and hatching, or are they coming apart, did they just not do anything, or are they not very active and you just have to take your chances?  It it a hard wait, but luckily, a short one.  It is the only real short one you get in all this IVF mess.

Once you get the news you are moving forward on you transfer, the transfer itself goes quickly.  You would think the whole process would be slow and delicate, but it really is quite quick.  Which means it leads you to The Wait...the dreaded two week wait...

During those two weeks, you analyze every feeling, pinch, twinge, bubble, twitch, thought, and dream.  Once again, if you are new, you probably will hang out on Google.  It will give you hope and tear it away with each click.  You may be a tester...or you may be one who doesn't want to know until you have to.  My first round, i was a tester...every day, I peed in a cup and dipped my little test, and waited...it should only take a few minutes, but I waited and then saw nothing, so i waited some more...hoping beyond all hope that faint line would appear.  I took apart tests to see if the plastic casing was giving a weird reflection to prevent me from seeing it and was disappointed each day.  For 9 days I waited and tested and saw nothing.  Then, I went to have my blood drawn, and I waited to get the call to tell me my dreams for this cycle were dashed.  Then, I had to wait to try again.

I went through all the waiting again for a second FET cycle, only this time, I learned.  I stayed away from Google, and I didn't test.  I wanted to hold on to my hope that there was a chance, and each test that came back negative destroyed that hope, so I didn't test.  I waited, as patiently as i could, and then had to wait an extra day since my day 9 was on a Sunday.

That Monday, I got the best news, it was positive, and I had a good number- 166!  I was thrilled!  And then I realized I had to start waiting again!  I had to wait until Wednesday to do my repeat draw and see if it increased and doubled.  So, I waited.  And the wait for that call was excruciating.  I now had higher hopes and deeper dreams about what could be.  I waited and counted each second, and tried to stay away from the dreaded Google.  I waited and waited and tried not to panic...but your mind will do some crazy things, and you will imagine what if's like you never imagined before.  And then you get your blood taken and you wait the longest wait yet....

Those minutes or hours that you are waiting are filled with every hope and fear.  You are desperately hoping and praying for good news while being fearful and terrified of the potential for bad.  I was so lucky on my second draw this time, I had good numbers (570).  But I have seen the other side too.  Today my friend got the call it wasn't doubling and barely increased.  It means another miscarriage for her.  She has been lucky and she had a son her first round of IVF, but this is their 3rd transfer, and out of 6 embryos, only one has made it.  I am heartbroken for her.  Her wait was the worst kind.  The kind that didn't result in a wash of relief and joy.

As I sit here and wait until wednesday for our ultrasound to see if our little bean is still there, still growing, and has a heartbeat, I am terrified of the potential for heartbreak.  And I realize that the waiting with IVF doesn't end...at least not until you deliver a healthy baby.  We will always be afraid, because most of us have seen the potential for the disaster, we have witness the great let downs, the heartbreaks, the worst.  But if we are lucky, we will make it to the best...to the delivery of our babies and we will celebrate that we overcame all that has tried to keep us down...and in the mean time, we wait.

Waiting It Out

I am trying to be patient while I wait for the ultrasound on the 29th.  It is so very hard!!  And in the mean time, I am trying not to go nuts! I get nervous!  I am scared of something going wrong.  But I am trying to trust God and just know it will all be ok.  It is hard for me, I am a planner and like the control of knowing what is going on.  This is something far from my comfort zone, but I know pregnancy will be like this, and so will being a parent.  I guess this is part of my training...

As there is more to update, I will try and post, but right now, it is just waiting...and trying not to go crazy!!

Beta Day- Round Two

Today is Beta Day.  I once again showed up at 6 in the morning when the lab doesn't open until 6:30. I know it opens at 6:30, but I can't sleep on Beta Day.  So, I get up super early, get ready and go sit in the parking lot.  Now I wait.

I went in and it is done.  It was stressful this morning.  They called me for my paperwork and the lady kept saying Dr. T was a new doctor in their system.  I kept telling them I had been there 2 or 3 times in the last year and they managed to get him results then.  They have his info, and they have Dr. C's.  But she wouldn't use it for Dr. C.  I was getting upset.  She finally found Dr. T and then lectured me that his name was not in the system the same as the paperwork.  Umm, lady, I didn't do either!  I went back though, a very young lady took my blood, and I was out of there.  Let the nerves begin!  Off to work breakfast...at least it is a nice distraction.

I took the afternoon off from work.  I think it will be good for me to get to freak out in the privacy of my own home.  Because I know I will freak out.  I will freak out waiting, I will freak out when I get the news (good or bad), and I will freak out some more I am sure.  So, at least I am home!

OMG- the waiting is killing me!  It is 2 and I am DYING!!  I am really hoping Dr. T didn't call my desk phone again.  I can't get in to my voicemail at work, so I really hope not!

THEY CALLED!!!

I answered and I was ready to cry before I even answered it.  I said "Hello", and then waited...and it was a nurse!  I got a little hopeful.  She said they got my results in, and I said ok, and she said they were positive!!!  IT WAS A POSITIVE BETA!! I started squealing, giggling, and laughing, all while crying too!  She laughed at and said my level was 161 and it was really good!  I was so excited.  Then, she said just keep it all up and we will be ok. 

I GOT A POSITIVE!! 

I got up and went to the bathroom- I took a home test, so I could see what it looked like and felt like to have a pregnancy test come back positive!

It felting FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC! I loved it!  

So, here is my little guy...

I am going to do whatever it takes to grow him big and strong!  I cannot wait to hold him in my arms!  

Wednesday, we rerun my numbers.  Hopefully, they will have gone up and he will be growing more and more!!

So, they called back and my thyroid level is messed up.  I am going to have to start meds tomorrow for it.  I guess I get to do more blood work in my future!  But needles don't phase me if it gives me my baby!!

A Moment of Truth...Tomorrow...

Tomorrow is Beta Day- Round 2.  I am crazy nervous right now!  I am so on edge I can hardly make it through the day.  I am hoping and praying that it will come back positive.

I have not done a home pregnancy test, and mostly stayed off of Google.  Last night, I had a dream that I broke down and took one, and it was negative.  I woke up, and I was so sad.  I finally fell back to sleep and had almost the same dream again, only this time, it came back positive.  I woke up and I was so happy, and I thought it was later in the week.  Then I realized it was early Sunday morning, and I was so sad.  I am hoping that it was a representation of the first transfer that was negative, and then this transfer, and it will be positive.  PLEASE LORD, CAN I PLEASE BE PREGNANT!!

Awash in Calm

So, somewhere in the middle of all this waiting, an overwhelming sense of peace has washed over me.  It might be denial, but it feels more like peace.  I have been praying for calmness while I wait and that my beta comes back positive.  Well, I feel calm.  I am hoping that my beta comes back positive Monday too.

I have been thinking I will only work a half day Monday- go in after my blood draw and leave at lunch since they won't get results until about noon.  Then, I can enjoy the results at home and not be a complete wreck while I wait.  I am hoping my calm will last, but I know that can be blown at any second, so I am trying to be prepared.  My hopes and prayers are that it will be good news and I will be celebrating!

Lord, I pray to you today and ask for continued peace, and that I am pregnant now and my little baby is growing inside me, and will continue to grow until it is time to deliver in June.  Please Lord, bless me with this child.  Amen!

Imagine

I am having a hard time today.  I am antsy and nervous, and it is still 5 more days until I will have results!  UGH!

But I am really struggling with something more abstract right now.  I am struggling to even imagine myself as pregnant. Or with a baby.  I am hoping it is just how I am practicing some kind of self preservation, and not a sign of something bad.  I just know I want to be a mom so bad, even if I can't imagine being pregnant, or having a baby.  Maybe it is a good thing- maybe it means I won't be hung up on an idea of how it should be and can truly enjoy it for how it is, since it is highly unlikely I will get a second chance at it.  I mean, I can imagine telling people I am pregnant, I just can't imagine myself being pregnant.  Is it weird?

Until monday, I am just praying...and praying...and praying...and hoping...beyond all hope...that I will know what being pregnant is like, and I won't have to imagine a baby because in June I will hold my baby.

TMI & Crazy- Not a Good Combo!

I am trying not to stress.  I am trying not to go nuts.  I am trying not to Google.  These are hard things.  Very hard.  Last night, I couldn't help myself and I googled...it is really TMI...but here is it (you have been warned and can look away)...how can you tell if it is implantation cramping or constipation.  I had some cramps and needed to poop, but they continued after I went.  I think it was a poop issue.  I wanted confirmation.  I am not sure, but I think I feel better thinking it was poop. I don't want to hang on to every what if and maybe and then be crushed if it isn't.

Today is the day implantation is supposed to be complete.  I am hoping and praying my little baby is hanging on tight in there and that I will get good news on Monday.  I am trying hard not to go crazy and stay relaxed...so I am listening to my "Affirmations: Post Embryo Transfer" on repeat almost all day at work.  I am not sure how crazy I would be if I weren't but I am sure it would be worse.

God- please, I am praying to you with every particle of my being, that this is my time, that my baby is growing in me, and I will deliver a healthy, happy baby in June.  AMEN!!

Post Transfer Overload

OK, so I am off bed rest now.  I am back to "normal but reduced" activity.  I am OK with this...I think.  I mean, I am not sure what "reduced" looks like...I think I am doing reduced, but maybe it is high activity compared to others, or maybe my normal is slackersville compared to others.  I don't know.  I just know I am not going to exercise, and not lift anything heavy.  I want this to work, so i will err on the side of less is better.  Jason will probably get annoyed with me!  OH WELL!!

So, some random thoughts while I was on bed rest...

These are from emails to one of my friends...

"Bedrest is bad for my wallet…I just keep shopping online!  UGH! Someone hide my wallet…and delete all my settings that have my CC info saved on my computer!  It is so bad! But it is only money and it is giving me a little relief from going cray cray while I lay here and wait…just a few more hours and then at least I am mobile.  I can do this…"

"I am off bed rest today. It was just Friday and Saturday but it was long enough for me!! Now it is just the wait. I am actually doing meditation and almost a hypnosis/positive visualization thing to try and minimize stress. Jason probably thinks I am whackadoodle and I feel like IVF has made me one crystal shy of Shannon from RHOC!! But at this point I will do almost anything!! It won't hurt anything, and I do feel less stressed so that's got to be a positive...but if I start having someone put crystals in my mouth, you have to come here and have an intervention!! Haha!! But seriously!! ☺️"

We are both fans of Real Housewives of Orange County- so that is the reference there.  

So, to get in to the details of the transfer.

We left at 7:30 in the morning..it was a little tense in the car.  I was bitchy and Jason was insensitive, which is not a good combo.  But I just put on my headphones and listened to my relaxation/hypnosis songs (not really songs, but I don't know what to call them).  I tried to focus and relax and have positive thoughts.  It calmed me down, and I just thought about all the people from the Baby Fever group who were praying for this and I prayed over and over on the way there.

We pulled over to take a bathroom break, and of course, we ran in to someone we knew headed out of town too.  Seriously?  Ugh.  A small fib about going to go shop, and we were on our way.  I hate that I have to fib so much, but I also don't want acquaintances knowing all our business.  Oh well.

We were back on the road, and I started drinking my water just as we were getting in to town.  I had talked to the nurses and decided I was only going to drink about 20 oz of water instead of the 32 oz the paperwork said.  Last time, I had to pee so much, it was awful.  We were hoping this would be just enough.

As we got in to the office, we found parking, and everything was going smoothly.  Jason was a little snippy when I mentioned something about what lane to be in, but I let it go.  I didn't want negativity to be lingering during my transfer.

We got in the office and Dr. S, my acupuncturist was there waiting.  I was signed in and we went back to the procedure room.  I got undressed as I needed, and we started the acupuncture.  Dr. T came in and told us the thaw went well, and we were good to go.  Once the acupuncture was done, they checked my bladder and the nurse said it was "perfect" to her, and she showed Dr. T and he said great.  We did the mock transfer and he said ti went great, and then they brought our little embryo in. We made the transfer and all went well.  Dr. S came back in to do the post-trasnfer treatment, and then we were done.  (Obviously, they went over paperwork, etc., but for all the procedure stuff, we were done.)

We got in the car and headed home.  We had Chick-Fil-A for lunch- not the best option, but I wanted food (I was starving), and I heart Chick-Fil-A and the joy of it should be good for my little embryo!  I wanted Smallcakes, but the fabulous icing has too much dairy and often times hurts my stomach- and I didn't want that, so I didn't ask for it!

We drove home, and let me tell you, the far back seat of the QX80 is not very comfortable for laying down in.  But I slept anyways, as the valium was working.  I listened to my affirmations and slept.  I prayed when I was lucid, and my heart called out prayers when I wasn't.  We made it home and I got in bed and slept and rested the rest of the evening.

Saturday, I woke up and moved out to the couch, it was a change and allowed Jason to sleep in some. After he got up, I went back to bed and stayed there.  About lunch time, I took a little break and sat for a few minutes and shaved my legs and underarms without showering or bathing- the razor burn was bad, don't believe the whole use baby oil and you can dry shave myth...it BURNS!  But it allowed me to skip the shower and not have major anxiety about the prickles!  I spent the rest of the time laying down and watching TV or napping.  And let's not forget, I did a lot of online shopping, as evident by my emails above!

I survived the bed rest, and now on to the waiting.  Work should be full of stuff to do, so that will help. And my rule this time- NO GOOGLING and NO HPT'S- just positive thoughts that this time it will work!

Now, I am still hoping, praying and visualizing that my little embryo is hatching and implanting.

FET 2 Is In The Books

It's done.  I am praying for good results and trying to make it through the bed rest...I will post more later.

Two More Days

We are two days out, and I am a basket case!  I can't focus, I can't remember, and I feel all out of whack.  Yesterday, I almost forgot to up my dosage of PIO.  Today, I could have sworn it was Thursday, even though I was getting up early for my Wednesday morning meeting.  I knew it was Wednesday, but I kept thinking Thursday.  I am going to lose my mind if this transfer doesn't happen soon!  I am so afraid of something going wrong...but I am praying it all goes right.  Please God, let this all go right!

Crazy!

I am trying not to go absolutely nuts right now.  It is Monday, my transfer is on Friday, and it feels so close and still so far away.  I am incredibly nervous right now.  I have been trying to stay calm, but it is hard.  I keep having these reoccurring moments of terror that I forgot to take my meds, or change my patches, or something else like that, and now we can't move forward.  I don't know why that is so terrifying to me- to have to postpone the transfer, but it is.  I guess I am just afraid that it is a sign of something not meant to be, and I want so desperately to believe this baby is meant to be.  He is meant to be mine, and I am meant to be a mom.  I just need to have faith, take a deep breath, and try to relax.  Some of those are easier than others!!

Moving Along

I had my patch day 11 ultrasound to check my uterine lining.  Everything looked good.  It was triple layered (as it should be) and 12mm thick (between the 8-13mm range that is optimum), which was good to hear!  I had been VERY nervous that we would encounter another hiccup.  Instead, my nurse got hiccups while she was checking me out!  Haha!  I will take those hiccups over the ones we were having before!  ANYDAY and twice on Sunday!!

So, now I am just waiting it out until the 3rd.  It is going to be so hard- I am impatient by nature, and the nerves and anticipation may all just be too much!  But I can make it through- I have done it before, and I can do it this time.  It won't be easy, but if it works, it will be worth it!

It's All About Numbers

So, one thing that you might hear (sometimes a lot) in the IVF game, is that it is all about the numbers.  So here are some of my numbers…and this is only until today…we still have more to do before our transfer!

Days since we started this IVF journey: 259

For Jason (he has completed 1 TESA)

Doctor’s appointments: 2

Medical procedures: 1

Blood draws: 1

For Jessica (2 rounds of IVF (no fresh transfers), 2 embryo genetic testing, 1+ FET (we are mid-way through our second FET))

Doctor’s Appointments: 23 (just for my RE, not including others)

Doctor’s Appointments that had no point (follow ups and consults): 3

Medical procedures: 6

Ultrasounds: 19

Shots injected: 154 (not including tonight’s injection)

Blood draws: 17

Eggs retrieved: 15

Eggs fertilized: 9

Embryos biopsied: 2

Embryos genetically normal: 2

Acupuncture appointments: 10 (started prior to first FET)

Our Dollars spent: $24,310*

Insurance Dollars Spent: $12,700

*- does not count acupuncture costs (not covered by my insurance), add another $956 to date on it, with another $458 to go…

Pregnancies: 0

It’s the last number that hurts the most…and it is the one I am most anxious to see change!!

Another Hiccup...

Well, I had another hystroscopy yesterday.  Everything looked good- the polyps were all gone!  Woohoo!!  But, while Dr. C was looking around, he saw what looked like a follicle on my left ovary.  So off for bloodwork I went.  Depending on what that said, I would know whether or not to proceed with my patches that started today.  I was a nervous wreck.  I know God is bigger than anything my body can come up with, but it was so hard to have to wait and see...luckily, they called me when I was driving home, and everything was OK.  I mean, seriously, I only make a couple of follicles when I am on the stims, and yet when I am on the lupron, that is supposed to suppress everything, I still make 1??  UGH!  But it is not affecting anything right now, so I guess that is all ok.  Just typical of this whole process for us!

I started my first patch today.  I am trying to be good and avoid all caffeine I can.  I did have a Chick-fil-A sweet tea yesterday.  Which is OK-I am technically allowed up to 150 mg a day, but have tried to eliminate all that I can.  The caffeine in chocolate is about all I am having, and most of it is milk, so it is pretty low.

So, I have been in a weird emotional place lately.  Both boys have made comments lately about wanting a little sister. It kills me knowing that we so desperately wanted a girl, and got boy embryos. I just am hoping that they come around to a little brother just the same.  And if it doesn't work this time, I am going to be praying again for a girl.

I don't know what God is trying to teach me lately, but I am just trying to listen, to have faith, and to be patient.  It is hard, the whole journey has been hard, but it will all be worth it!

A Little Hiccup

So, I had my hysteroscopy on Monday.  I was supposed to have my baseline appointment today.  I went in, and of course, I got there early.  They took me back and I sat there for a while, and waited while Dr. C finished up another procedure.  I was seeing Dr. C because Dr. T was out of town, and I needed to get it done before Dr. T would be back. 

 

Dr. C finally came in (I had to wait a while, but oh well, I understand, and when I am having a procedure and need extra time, I want them giving it to me!), and we chatted and started.  He said I wouldn’t need to come in for another baseline because it wasn’t going to change enough in 2.5 days to make it worth another trip down- woohoo!  Save me some vacation or sick leave.  Then, as he got in to my uterus, we saw them…thin, fingerlike, little polyps.  Uh-oh!  I got concerned.  He said not to be.  But that he wanted me to come back in after I start my period.  He thinks they are just little piece of my lining and will come out with my period, and if not, he said they are small, so I can have them removed and it shouldn’t affect my transfer.  I am still nervous.  But I did realize I like seeing Dr. C.  He is pretty straightforward, and that makes me feel calmer about it all than Dr. T’s lack of details at times.  I can make it through if I have all the info, I can process and deal with it.  But the “what ifs” and “not so sures” are scary.  And I think Dr. T does it to try and prevent worry, but in someone like me, I want to know the best, worst, and most likely cases.  I am an engineer…this is the life I live in, and if I know what my ends are and what is likely, I can make it through.  So, I think if we have to do another round after this one, I will likely try and switch to Dr. C.  I am hoping I won’t have to though.  I am hoping that this one will work.  And I will see how I feel about it all after Monday, when I go in for my next hysteroscopy…

FET- ROUND 2

So, FET- ROUND 2 is officially underway.  I started on my birth control pills yesterday night.  Since I started my period so late in the day Friday and was really light early, I decided to start it at night.  I don't know if it matters, but it made sense in my head.

I set up my baseline ultrasound and my hysteroscopy. Neither is pleasant, but they are necessary.  I want them to make sure my uterus is in tip-top shape for the next transfer.    I also ordered my meds, and so now it is in the early slow stages.  But the scheduling all worked out well, and hopefully, if everything looks good, I will only miss about 1/2 day of work.

I am having the struggle of to share the news or not to, and I am not sure.  One of my friends who knows said maybe wait to see if it works, and then, if not, before the next cycle, fess up and get the prayers and support if it doesn't work this time (since that will be going in to cycle 3...the last hurrah before looking at other options).  Makes sense.  That way I can super surprise my family if it works out, and if not, I can get their support for the next try at it.  I just really hope this one works.  I do.  I pray it does.  So much!

TMI and Lacking Motivation

I started my period yesterday-ish.  I say "isn" because it was very light, almost spotting, but when I woke up it was gushing.  TMI, I know.  So, I am now a little conflicted on when to start my BC pills. I am leaning towards Monday for it because it was so light on Friday.  Once I start those, I at least will feel like we are moving forward.

I am very much lacking motivation to do anything.  I just want to sleep and get on with it all.  I know I need to start my yoga workouts, and to maintain activity, but it is so hard.  I have no motivation, I just want to sleep through it all until it is October.  I know I have things to look forward to- like my birthday, my trip home to Texas, and just trying to enjoy living life, but it is hard.  Really hard.  I just am looking forward to the chance at being pregnant.

The transfer is tentatively set for October 3rd, which is a Friday.  I like that it is Friday since it is my Friday off and I can do my bed rest on days I am normally off anyways.  BUT, it is a football game night, and it may even be homecoming.  All that is not cool.  But I don't want to delay it.  And if we do it at the same time as before, around 1pm, Jason can still work a little in the morning, and will be home in plenty of time for the game.  If it is homecoming, I won't be able to meet up and take pictures, but Aaron was not happy about it last year, so I doubt he would be hurt if I didn't go this year, and we can just explain that I am sick.  Plus, if we do it on the 3rd, and I get pregnant, our due date will be the day before our anniversary.  I wonder if it is some kind of sign?  I just am ready to try again.  I need to feel like I am moving forward and not still waiting.

I had a dream last night that we had a little girl.  I had been dreaming since we started that it was always boys.  Now, I am a little worried.  The only way we can end up with a little girl is if we have o do another cycle.  I want a little girl, but I also want my little boy.  I am hoping it was just a dream and not a sign...

Period...

Ok, I swear I am like a little pre-teen girl!! I am so anxious to start my period so I can get the next round going, it isn't even funny! If jumping around like a bunny rabbit would expedite this, my new nickname would be Bugs!!

I Am A Planner

I just lost my whole post...this SUCKS!!  UGH!!

So, let me try again...

It has been a few days since we got the bad news.  Yesterday confirmed it.  I took my patches off mid-day and my last shot was Sunday night.  So,I should get my period tomorrow or Thursday.  I feel like once i get that, it will be us moving forward.  Until then, I am just in a holding pattern of hell.

Over the weekend, I started planning- because that is what I do.  I can avoid the devastation if I am planning my next phase of attack on this problem.  If I don't have my next plan, then I am crushed and defeated, but so long a I have another move, I am ok.  Not good by any means, but OK.  

I spent most of the weekend crying and sleeping though.  I know they are signs of grief and depression, but i didn't, and don't, care.  I needed it to feel OK.  So, when I was up, I was planning and when I wasn't planning, I cried until I fell asleep.  We had the boys, so I had to hide it all too...which was exhausting in itself.  It is harder because I don’t get Jason to myself to cry to.  He has been really good about trying to listen but the boys just pull attention all the time, and I get that.  I 'm pretty sure E threw up late Sunday night (or maybe it was a dream), but I couldn’t get up, I was too exhausted- physically and mentally- to help, and Jason got up, so I figured it worked.

While I was researching and planning, a topic I saw over and over after failure of IVF is when to change clinics.  I hadn't thought much about it at first, but I am wondering.  Where I am torn is that Dr. T is really good, and really nice.  He genuinely cares about how I feel.  But maybe I am less feely than I thought.  (I always thought I was an emotional “feely” person- and maybe compared to other engineers I am, but I guess maybe not like people in the real world?)  But in this, I am looking more for stats, and data, and all the things a planner/engineer wants and needs.  I think Dr. T struggles with that- partly because some of it may be a guessing game, and I am getting the impression I don’t “fit” in any of it, and maybe that the only answer is I DON’T KNOW (and I am just unwilling to accept it), and maybe that my expectations are high- I know several people who had success right away with it all, and now maybe I expect it but the norm is more what I am experiencing.  I don’t know.  But all I know is all I have heard is how young I am, how healthy, and how I am a good candidate.   So, when it is not playing out like it should, I guess it is harder, and I just don’t know if he is saying nice things so I think positively, or if it is real.  He did say if I wanted he can check my uterus again, but since it has only been 4-5 months, and I have been observed, he is not sure he expects a change.  I think I am going to do it because I don’t want to waste my last shot if there is something fixable there.  I am glad my job pays well and that I get good bonus payouts.  I may not be able to stay at home after my baby is born, but I will cross that bridge after we get him here!

I also found out we have 7 more vials of Jason's sperm.  That is good if we have to do another cycle, although I am wondering how much of our issues are me and how much could be from the TESA sperm.  There is very little info about how successful TESA sperm is and most of it is tied to other influences in male factor infertility.  I feel like I want to talk to the lab guys as much as I want to talk to Dr. T, just to know where our biggest issue is.  I am way more nerd than most I guess.

I asked about a fresh transfer if this one doesn’t work, and at first Dr. T said it probably wouldn’t be our first choice, but when I explained why, he said it is logical and makes sense, and it may be something to try, but we won’t talk about it now until we know what happens with this last frozen….I am just praying I won’t have to worry about it.

I am ready to move forward.  I have never looked forward to a period this much.  I just need something to grasp on to for a little hope.  And that hope is coming from this next chance.  I hope it works.  PLEASE GOD, I AM READY TO BE A MOM, SO PLEASE LET THIS LITTLE EMBRYO STICK!!

Negative.

It was negative.  I am devastated.  I got the news yesterday, but I couldn't bring myself to type it out.  It hurt too bad to even think it, or have to say it, so I had a really hard time posting this.  I have to go back Monday to confirm the results.  Until then, I have to continue with the injections. Dr. T mentioned how hard that will be because the shots hurt- they are NOTHING compared to my broken heart.  NOTHING.

I am going to try another FET though.  We have one embryo left.  Please God, let that one stick!

BETA DAY!! Am I Ready?

6:00AM:  Beta Day is here...and I am not sure how I feel about it. It's six in the morning, the lab doesn't open for 30 minutes, and I'm sitting in the parking lot… I'm so nervous now! Part of me is afraid to go in, because at least until I take the test I could be pregnant. If it comes back negative, then I know…and I am not sure I am ready for that...but if I don't go in, I won't know. Hopefully, not knowing will be worse than anything they say. I am praying for God to please answer this prayer for a positive pregnancy test!!

Sitting in the car waiting for the lab to open

6:30AM: I am headed in!! My knees are shaking, and I am scared as hell, but I am going in! Please God, let me be pregnant!!




6:52AM: It's done! I am still scared! But I hope it is a good sign that my wrap is blue!!

The phlebotomist said the results should be to Dr. T by about noon...I hope and pray it is good news!!

Dragging By

These may be the longest 5 days of my life!!  My Beta Test is Friday, and each moment of each day feels like it is dragging on so slowly.  But I am hoping that my little butter bean has found a cosy place to hang out for the next 9 months.  Today, I could smell smoke and Jason smoking his cigar from outside, and I never noticed it before.  I am hoping that is a good sign.  I feel a little tension in my lower abdomen, and I am hoping it is just further implantation...hopes and prayers for it all!

I tried my first pregnancy test today and it was negative, but it is still WAY early to test.  I am going to keep testing but I also have done my research and know that even up until my beta, it is highly likely that a home pregnancy test won't come back as positive.  So, I will save one or two tests for after I get a positive beta, but will probably end up testing daily until then.  Hoping and praying for a positive before Beta Day though...

Make My Uterus Your Home!!

It has been a couple of days since our FET.  I couldn't write much while I was on my "bed rest" because I was trying to stay calm and relaxed, and I wasn't supposed to be sitting up in bed, which makes it hard to type!

So, on Wednesday morning, I got up and got ready.  Jason and I drove down to the clinic and I started to get very nervous.  So, of course, we bickered a little as we hit the traffic due to the construction around the hospital.  I hate that I fought with him as we went in for our appointment.  I hate that instead of just being happy, we had mean words for each other.  But I know he loves me, and he knows I was nervous, so we are well past it.  It just makes me a little sad to think about it.  I understand it, the stress is so high by that point, but it just sucks, you know?

About an hour before my treatment, I was supposed to drink 32 ounces of water.  CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?  I have possibly the smallest bladder ever and process water at about the speed of light...this was going to be a disaster!

Anyways, we went in and met with the acupuncturist.  Dr. J gave me my pre-transfer treatment.  At this point I am starting to feel squirmy from having to pee.

Dr. T came in and told me the thaw went well.  My little guy was a champ- he thawed out and even started to expand and hatch- all good signs!!

After we talked about the embryo, they asked about my bladder.  I said I was definitely feeling it now, and asked how long it would be until I could pee so I would know if I could make it.  She said 45 minutes to an hour, and I said I didn't know if I could make it.  My nurse checked my bladder with the ultrasound and says "Oh my!  You DO have to go!" and so she let me go and pee for 10 seconds.  I came back and she asked if I feel better, I said a little.  Dr. T looked at my bladder again and said, "Go again, this time maybe for 5 seconds."  So, I did it again.  I came back and he still thought I was pretty full, but I said if it will help, I can suffer it out!

We did the mock transfer and it went well.  They loaded the embryo in the catheter, and transferred it!  Now my little butter bean is in my uterus looking for a comfy spot to implant and grow in to my baby boy!!

Here is my little boy!!  He was working hard to continue growing and hatch out of his outer shell!

After the transfer, Dr. J came in and did my second treatment.  About the time my bladder was going to either explode or I was going to pee myself, it was time to go pee!  Thank goodness!  After I peed, I got dressed, we loaded up, and drove home.  Jason stopped by Whole Foods (a luxury we don't have at home) and we ran by Smallcakes and got me a cupcake to celebrate.  I also peed again.  :o)

The drive home I slept most of the way.  It was easier than thinking about it all.  Once we got home, I got in to bed, and stayed there as much as I could for the rest of the day and the next day.

Friday was back to a light duty day.  It was hard to stay off of Google trying to find out when to take the home pregnancy tests.  I wasn't going to take one, but I realized, that is not my style- haha!  I need to know, I need to feel some level of control, some level of comfort in knowing I am doing something.  I won't feel discouraged until Beta Day if they come back negative, because it could just be my levels are hard to pick up and may be diluted in my urine.  And since we did an eSET (elective single embryo transfer) my hCG levels may not be high enough until Beta Day because I will only have one little guy in there!  So, I will be optimistic until my nurse tells me otherwise.  But I am also praying I get a positive test early!  Hopes and prayers are always on my mind, and I am headed to the dollar store to get some HPTs to start testing tomorrow and monitor my progress (hopefully it will be good news next time I am on the blog!)!!!

FINALLY!

The day has finally arrived- we go today for the FET.  I cannot wait!  I am ready to feel like we are really moving forward!  We will head to Dr. T's about 9 a.m. so we can get there early and be ready for my acupuncture.  Then, they will do the transfer and we will begin the waiting part....oh how long the waiting will seem, but it will be so worth it when it all works out!  I am giddy like a little schoolgirl!!  The waiting has been so hard, but it will all be worth it once I am holding my baby in my arms!!

2 More Days...

It is the Monday before our transfer.  Two days from now, at this time, I will be ready and on a table, waiting for them to transfer my little butter bean in to place...

I am getting excited!! I am nervous, but mostly hopeful.  As of right now, I have no reason to be anything other than optimistic, and so, I will hold on to that.  

My backside is SORE.  Jason has done a phenomenal job giving me my progesterone injections.  I am glad he is a strong guy- they are tough to administer, and I imagine if he was struggling to push the PIO out of the syringe, I would be barking or crying...  As it it, I am sore just from having thick medicine injected in my backside.  I ice the area until it is numb to do the injections, and they don't hurt- I feel some pressure, but never pain.  Then, J rubs it for a little while.  The next day is when it is sore.  But I can push through the pain.  My only fear is that Jason won't be able to give me a shot one night, and I will have to do it myself.  It makes me a little nervous to think about that!!

I am trying very hard to practice patience.  It is HARD for me, but I am trying to distract myself.  I know I will need to be good at it while I wait until my Beta test.  I am already having the dilemma of doing the home pregnancy test, or not.  And I am honestly not sure right now whether I will or I won't.  Hopefully, Jason and I can chat about it and decide together.  We will see...right now just counting down the days.

Pokey, Hokey?

I had an appointment for another round of acupuncture today.  I went in and Dr. St. Clair met with me for a follow up before going in to stick me.  She took my pulses and asked me questions about how I was feeling after the last appointment.  Then we went back and she did some needles in my back and feet.  After that round, we went on to the next round in my face, stomach, legs and feet.  The feet ones always hurt the most.  And when they go in, I feel a zing that goes all the way up my body and out my arms.   I was not a huge believer, but feeling that each time has made me a little more inclined to believe.


Ok, I just lost my train of thought...the TV is on and I heard a commercial on an extreme parenting show and a mom said, "Sex is just a hug that involves our genitals." and I AM JUST ALL WTF? So BIZARRE!

9 Days

It is 9 days until my FET...and I am an emotional wreck!  Not in the "I am so nervous" kind of way, but more in the "My hormones are out of control" kind of way.  And the Lupron is finally causing me some insomnia.  So, not only am I emotional, but I am weirdly tired and really awake all at the same time.  Is this what people on hardcore drugs are like- no thanks to any of that!!

So, 9 days out and it is just more shots and more patches.  I am on 3 patches and 5 units of Lupron still.  My legs are super tender.  I guess after 4 months of shooting Lupron in them (and Follistim for a while too), they have hit their limits and are rebelling on me.  Or at least my left leg is.  I used to not bleed much and it never really "hurt"- might sting, but I was a big girl and could deal with it.  Now my left left HURTS- as in bring out the ice pack it is THROBBING!! My right leg definitely feels more sensitive than before, but nowhere near as sensitive as the left.  Thank goodness only a few more days of Lupron- hopefully for a really, really long time!  Then on to the progesterone in oil- but at least it is more in my hip/butt and not my thighs!

So, I am seeing a lot more posts on Facebook about people being pregnant.  Most are friends of friends, but it still stings a little.  I am just hoping it will be my turn soon...lots of prayers for that!!  Off to another acupuncture appointment now.  Maybe I will write more about it soon.

T-Minus 15 and Counting

I had my first acupuncture treatment today.  It wasn't bad at all.  Mostly pleasant- in fact, the hardest part was staying that still!  I am not sure if I believe in all it, but I am willing to try it.

Today is 15 days out to our FET.  I am getting nervous about it- but in a good way...I am getting anxiously excited about it all.  I can't wait to have the feeling of knowing my baby is inside me.  I am hoping and praying he decides to stay for 9 more months!!

I have continued on the Lupron (currently at 5 units) and am wearing 1 estrogen patch.  On Thursday, I up my patch count to 2.  Never in my life did I anticipate being excited about patches and upping my patch counts.  But here I am.  And I am closer than I have ever been to having my wish come true!

Baby Girls

We went to dinner tonight.  Nothing big and shocking there.  But as we are sitting there, E makes a comment along the lines of why does Jason always wave and notice all the baby girls around. (there was a table behind us with a big family and they had several girls at the table) Aaron says it is because Jason never had a girl.  My heart broke at that moment and it made me so sad.  I had been really ok with having a baby boy until that moment, and then, it took all I had not to burst in to tears at the dinner table.  I still want my baby boy, but I want so desperately to give Jason a baby girl.  I just don't understand why we can't have one of each...

Countdown

I am under a month out of my FET.  I am trying not to turn in to a crazy person.  I am trying to just be a patient person and wait the process out.  I am back to giving myself shots, and that feels “normal” and like we are finally going somewhere again on this journey.  Today was my last birth control pill, hopefully ever, unless we decide to try for another. I am so ready to be pregnant, and I am so afraid that it is possible I won’t be.

I have thought more than I should about the “what-if” scenario if this doesn’t work.  What do I want to do?  What would J be willing to do?  How much extra “stuff” do we have left- I am not sure if I can convince him to do another TESA to keep trying… Do we consider a new clinic or stay with Dr. T?  There is another doctor at the same clinic we are at, so would we try working with him?  It is a lot to think about and I am not sure I am ready to really think about  it, but the thoughts keep creeping in.

We had our follow up with Dr. T on Friday.  We drove down there and J was in a bad mood- things were not going well at the store.  I hope that he thought it was worth it.  We went and talked about the thaw plan.  We are going to thaw our first little guy first, and the second one will be on standby for thawing if anything doesn’t look good.  

We also talked about the last cycle.  Dr. T didn’t have much to give me except that my left ovary doesn’t make much.  The right is a normally functioning one, and he said in all likelihood, my left ovary is fine for “normal” use, but doesn’t respond well to additional stimulation.  He said both times we cycled, it responded and looked fine, but just had low follicle count.  Overall, he said not to worry much because we do get a healthy embryo each time with the biopsy.  I cried but we all agree it must be the hormones.  He thinks I am not normally that emotional...J may disagree, but in front of others, I normally keep it together.  Like Dr. T said, we had to have some hard conversations during the last cycle about how many eggs we would get and I didn't cry then, so I must not be a crier. ;)

Speaking of biopsied embryos, it looks like we have about a 50% chance of getting pregnant.  It may be slightly lower since we are doing a single embryo transfer, or maybe slightly higher.  They don’t have enough biopsied embryo transfers to have adequate sample size to track it by single or multiple embryo transfers or by age.  I will take my 50% odds- it is better than naturally conceiving, and even better than most IVF cycles.  

So, now it is just a matter of giving my injections, and taking my vitamins, and just working the process.  Tuesday is my next ultrasound, and we will see how it goes.  Hope and prayer for the best!

The Green Eyed Monster

It has been a week since my last post.  Mainly, it is because we are in the dreaded waiting cycle.  I hate waiting.  I have gotten (a little) better at it, not by choice, but out of necessity.

The truly bizarre thing about it all is that mentally, I feel pregnant already.  And not in the sense of I have a baby in me, that would be cray-cray.  I feel like my little baby is real, that he is ready for me, and I for him.  That I am already a mom.  I have two little embryos waiting for me to take care of them, love them, and make them mine.  And isn't that what pregnancy is? (Beyond the physical parts, I know)

Speaking of being pregnant, Facebook can be a killer.  Every day I open it up (Ok, who am I kidding, I open it more than once a day...much more) and as I scroll through, I have the nervous feeling of who else will be Facebook officially pregnant.  Lately, I haven't been blindsided by too many announcements, probably because most of the people I know and follow (for reals) already just popped out a kiddo and therefore aren't knocked up again yet.  So, now instead of pregnancy posts, I get a million look at my new baby posts.  And I am truly happy for them, but I am also sad for me.  AND JEALOUS- so jealous.  Not in the I don't want you to have it sense, but in the why not me sense.  I hope and pray, and feel faith, that my day is coming, and soon, but I am still nervous and still jealous.  In fact, I read a blog that the woman just had an FET.  A few years ago, they transferred two embryos and she had twin girls.  They had two embryos left, and they were going to try again, hoping for a second set of twins.  (These people must be crazy- two sets of twins- be still my heart!)  Well, I, like so many of the blog readers, prayed for them.  I prayed when they thawed the embryos and when only made it through thaw.  And I prayed for a successful transfer too.  And it worked.  She is pregnant.  And I got so sad and so jealous.  And I felt so bad for it.  Here I had been praying for this very thing, and then I was jealous and sad.  I know that it is not a reflection on not wanting it for them, and just really desperately and fearfully wanting it for me, but I hate that I felt that way.  But I did feel it.  And I know that someday, when it is my turn to announce I am pregnant, someone may feel that way about me.  And I realize it is OK.  None of us are wishing away anyone else's success in this, just sad and jealous that it is not ours...yet.

Happy Anniversary!

Three years ago I married you, J!!  It was a beautiful day at the beach in San Diego, but I hardly noticed, because on that day, in front of our families and friends, I got to look in to your eyes and promise to stand by you forever, and I meant every word! Through all the ups and downs (and we have had more one than the other, and are so blessed for that), I will stand beside you and love you- for the man you were, the man you are, and the man you will become as we journey through life together! Three years down, and forever to go!!

Three Years

Tomorrow we will have been married 3 years.  It is a crazy realization that the 3 years have gone by so fast.  We dated for about 3 1/2 years before we got married, living together most of that time.  I feel like the time has gone by so fast, but at the same time, I struggle to remember what life was like before J and the boys were in it.  And so I know that this period of time when we are trying to add "our" child feels like it is so long, and so dark, and so awful, but I know once we are past this time, it will be but a moment in a life that will be overwhelmed with love.

Happy almost anniversary to my true love!  There is nobody I would rather be with!!

Good News...

So, it has been a few days since we got the news back that our little embryo was normal.  I was very excited to hear that because that morning I had a bad feeling about it.  But the news did come back that it was a boy.  I was disappointed.  I had so very much hoped we could have a little girl one this time.  It would give us even just the small chance to have one of each, and for me to be able to give J a girl.  I know he very much wanted a girl, and while I am aware that it is the man that determines the gender of the baby, I also felt guilty that because of my low egg counts, we just didn’t have the numbers to play the statistical game and come out with at least one girl embryo. 

 

This process has been so hard on me.  I was completely not prepared to find out I would be a stumbling block for us on this journey.  I think had we been able to try on our own for a while and not be successful, I would have been prepared.  But since we thought the only reason we couldn’t get pregnant was because J had a vasectomy, I was not prepared at all.  Add to it that every doctor we saw talked about how healthy we were and how easy it would be for us since we didn’t show signs of infertility, and well, maybe naively, I thought it would be smooth sailing.  I never paid attention to the numbers or stats because I thought they wouldn’t apply to me- we were only there because a tube had been cut and the swimmers couldn’t reach the shore so to speak.  So, once we got the swimmers, we would be fine.  But it wasn’t the case.  Even though all my levels were good, all my parts looked fine, and I am healthy, I was damaged.  And it breaks my heart that it may prevent us from my dream of having a baby.

 

But I am faithful.  I believe God brought us to this point.  I have to believe He wouldn’t have brought us to this juncture without us getting to have a baby, there were too many chances for us not to arrive at this place.  We have two boy embryos, and that is a sign to us that we are meant for a boy.  And while I was disappointed at first, I am excited about it now.  Little boys love their mommas, and he will be mine.  He will love me so much, and I will love him more than words can ever say.  And I know J will love him too.  How can you not fall in love with your child?  In fact, at first, he seemed more excited about a little boy than I did. 

 

So, for now, we are just waiting to really start the FET process.  My meds came yesterday, and I have been on birth control.  The injections will start in July, first Lupron, and then the progesterone in oil.  Not looking forward to the PIO injections because those are some BIG needles, but if it brings me my baby boy, I will take it!!  Until then…just more prayers for delivering a healthy and happy baby in April 2015!!

A Lonely Only

We got the news that only one embryo made it to biopsy.  I am a little disappointed but trying to remain optimistic…afterall, one is better than none!  Now I am hoping and praying for a genetically normal embryo!  Not much to update on because I am just kind of empty with that news, and it is just the waiting game.  I had a dream the other night after the last update, and in my dream we only got one.  I didn’t want to think or talk about it because I was hoping for better, but even after I woke up, I still felt oddly at peace with it.  Maybe that is the sign that this is it…that it is my baby.

Making a Baby

I called in for the fertilization report...and we have 3 fertilized eggs.  I was a little crushed by it.  I was at work, so I tried not to think about it too much.  I just had hoped for more.  I am really worried about the attrition rate of them, and whether or not we will have any make it.  Today is a tough day.  I will have my pity party today, then back to cautiously optimistic tomorrow.  Prayers will be said...ALOT.  I did talk to one of my nurses, and she told me I can call in on Monday for an update on the little embryos.  2 of them looked to fertilize and do nothing, and one totally broke apart, so maybe by Monday we will see some activity out of the 2...and hopefully, those 3 will still be growing strong!!

On a side note, I talked to the IVF coordinator, and got the transfer set up.  August 6th is my day.  I am excited, but nervous too.  And a little nervous about the progesterone in oil shots...those are some BIG needles!!

More to come.

Eggs, Sunnyside Up!

Today was egg retrieval day...and I was a nervous wreck going in to this! I didn't have a great feeling about it because I had so few follicles growing and they were growing SLOW! Dr. Thompson told me at one point we were shooting for 4 eggs because I only had 5 follicles. I was disappointed to say the least.

J drove me to the office, and waited with me. And we waited and waited and waited. The anesthesiologist was late. About 30 minutes late. As I sat there in the procedure room with J, I just kept praying. Praying for eggs. Praying for healthy eggs. But I would get scared and sad and J would cheer me up.

Well, they finally got an anesthesiologist down there and once he showed up, things started moving quickly. They rushed J off and put me out and got to work. AND WE GOT 7 EGGS!!! Woohoo! Tomorrow I call in the check how many fertilized. I am hoping and praying for all, or as close to it as we can get! I hate the waiting, but it will give me more time to pray for good results...We will know soon!!

I am continuing to pray!! We are one day closer until my baby is in my arms!

Pulling The Trigger...again

Today is trigger shot day.  I wish I could say I was excited.  But I am not even excited.  I am just nervous.  Anxious.  Disappointed.  Dr. T doesn't seem very optimistic about any of it right now.  It makes me pretty down about it.  Add to it J's general lack of interest at this point, and I am pretty upset.  I know why he isn't interested too- we have his boys this week during the summer custody schedule.  I told him before to make sure his ex-wife got the 1st week of summer, but he didn't do it.  Now he can't be bothered with me and all this.  And it is breaking my heart.  It really does hurt me.  He can't even seem to fake it.  There are lots of times I am not 100% interested in things other people are, but I fake it because that person is important to me, and I want them to feel important, and my interest in their interests, or what is happening in their lives, is part of what shows they are important to me.  J can't even act interested in this retrieval.  Lately, when I bring it up, he just acts like I am reading from a phone book.  And I get it, the boys could walk in and overhear something, so he just has to be nondescript, and not act all excited.  And maybe this is his way of lessening the disappointment if this doesn't work out.  But it still hurts me.  When you add to that hurt all of my disappointment that this cycle has brought so far, and it is almost more than I can take.

I wasn't prepared for this IVF journey.  I wasn't prepared for this to be so rough.  This was supposed to be simply because J had a vasectomy.  I wasn't supposed to be an issue.  We did all the tests, and everything came back as normal, Dr. T said he thought we would have excellent results because I was younger, healthy, and had good test results, no apparent reason we shouldn't have success.  And now we are struggling.  My follicle count was low, lower than last round, and it was a battle to get them to grow.  It makes me nervous that this may be a waste, that we won't get our baby.  And it breaks my heart because at the end of the day, J has two kids.  He is a dad, regardless of how this turns out.  But me, my only chance to be a mom is tied up in this.  I know there is adoption, but I am not sure I truly believe J is ready for that.  I don't think he understands how to truly love a child that doesn't share his biology.  Yes, he may come around to it, but he mentioned before he didn't know if he could be a step dad.  I think it is mostly in the sharing aspect, but there is a part of me that is fearful it is because he can't love a child that is not biologically his.  A long time back, I saw a special on donor kids- children that were born using donor sperm or eggs, or both.  The marriages of couples who used donor sperm did not last.  Most broke up, and most of the women talked about the man not having an appropriate bond with the child.  Women who carried the child made from donor eggs didn't face the same issues, as they bonded not through the biology, but through the gestation.  It definitely made me think.  But I always thought it would be J's sperm that might be the issue because his vasectomy was so long ago.  Instead it is me...I am failing at the one thing I wanted most...

But I am going to try and pick my head up.  Hold it up.  I am giving my trigger shot (1cc of dilutant to 1 vial of Novarel) tonight.  11 pm on the dot!  That will start a reaction in me that will finalize the maturation of my eggs, and prep them for ovulation.  Thursday, they will retrieve them, and between now and then, I will just pray that quality is going to be better and that quantity won't matter because I will have good eggs that will fertilize, grow, and be ready for transfer when it is time for our FET.  I just have to keep up my hope and faith.  We just need one to take...so it is time to pull the trigger, hope for the best, and then go to bed and dream of my baby being mine!

Raging Sadness

I am trying very hard not to be raging angry right now.  I am already devastated.  I went to my ultrasound today and things are not looking good.  We are down to 5 embryos.  I am not progressing very well.  The retrieval may be Thursday now.  We started at trying for Tuesday, then Wednesday, and now we are likely at Thursday.  I am super depressed.  My only hope I am hanging on to is that this one is so different, so maybe the results will be different and be better?  But today, I lost a lot of that hope.  Dr. T talked to me about the numbers.  How with 5 follicles, we might only get 4 eggs.  And with 4 eggs, we might only have 3 fertilize (that is half of what we had last time).  And with 3 fertilized eggs, we might be lucky if we get 1-2 to blast stage for biopsy.  And if we get those to biopsy, they still may not be genetically "normal".  I feel like I am grasping at straws.  It sounds like he was ready to cancel the cycle.  And I am devastated.  And I am trying my hardest not to be raging mad at J.

I am trying so hard.  I want to yell and scream and throw things at him.  It is probably a good thing he isn't here.  It started last night with him making a comment about how I should be enjoying this vacation- because I am not having to get up early with the dogs and don't have to do housework.  Are you kidding me?  Because it is so fun to get up, rush to an ultrasound appointment in the morning, have your hooha out for the world to see, poke and wand, all to get told things are going as well as we hope.  Then, I get to poke myself 3 times a day, and have a lab tech do it once or twice a day too.  Once again, to get told things are looking so good.  It is a  FUCKING DREAM VACATION, yeah, sure!

Then, I am raging mad because he kept wanting to wait.  He made me wait and wait to get married in the first place.  Then, I had to wait a year to even bring it up again, wanting to have a baby.  And he said NO, he didn't want one at all.  So, I prayed for over a year that he would change his mind EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT.  Every one!  And he finally did.  But then, we had to wait because he was following his dream, so mine had to be put on hold a little longer.  And really, what difference would it make to wait a little longer.  A HUGE FUCKING DIFFERENCE!  Now, I am struggling to even produce enough eggs!  And maybe it wouldn't have been different, but I know my eggs would have been younger.  I would statically have better chances.  And I AM SO MAD because he doesn't get how devastating this is.  He has two kids, and he didn't REALLY want another one.  I HAVE NONE, and this is something I have wanted for so long.  I wanted to be a mom since I was 16.  All little girls want to be moms when they are young, you play babies, etc.  But at 16, I knew I wanted, really wanted, to be a mom.  I wanted a degree and a life, but then I wanted to be a MOM.  I wanted a big family, and to give up my career and stay home.  And I have slowly let go of all that- I won't have a big family, J doesn't want one.  I won't get to be a stay at home mom, because now J doesn't think we can make that work (even though when he thought I wouldn't quit, that was his reason for not wanting a baby, that someone would have to be the stay at home parent), and now, now I may not get a chance to be a mom at all!

My heart is so broken right now.  SO BROKEN.  I just want to stop breathing.  I do.  But I have to keep holding out hope.  Maybe we only get one shot, but maybe, just maybe, it is the one that works?

Emptiness, Sounds Alot Like Empty Nest

Dr. T thinks we will get maybe 5-6 eggs.  This is a depressing thought to me, I was greedy, and hoped for more.  He said maybe Wednesday or Thursday for the retrieval, so more holding pattern, more waiting.  Nothing is going the same as last time...it is taking longer, not seeing as much.  All I can hope for is that we didn't get the greatest results last time, so maybe this time, it will be better?  I am just kind of dead about it all.  I try not to think too much about it because it will just make me sad.  So, instead I am just empty inside.  I don't walk around like the hollow shell people you see, I fake it pretty well.  In fact, most people would have no idea how much I feel like I am barely hanging on by a thread.  But if you could see me on the inside, you would know I am just dead right now...well, maybe not dead yet, but in a deep hibernation.  And the emptiness I feel inside right now, it just gives me a bad feeling about it all.  I know I should be more optimistic, as it does actually help, placebo effect and all, but I guess I am like so many out there going through IVF...you have to shut off a little of yourself to not get crushed in this process.  And you still do, but you just think and hope that maybe by shutting off a little bit (or a lot), it saved you a little.  I am hoping it will be a joyous process here soon though.  Please God, send me a little baby, and if it is not too much to ask for, can it be a set of pigtails so J will be thrilled too??

Tough Day

Today has been a hard day.  I had another ultrasound today.  Dr. T told me he thinks we will get fewer eggs this time.  Nothing we can control. Just is what it is.

But hearing that makes me feel like I am failing.

Like my biggest desire is going to fall short- I may not get to be a "real" mom.

I am trying not to panic at the thought of it.

 I am trying to remember we have one healthy embryo on ice.

That in the end, I can be a mom, even if I don't give birth to a baby.

And I am trying to have faith.  Trying to remember that this may just be a small obstacle to overcome, so that when my precious Babycakes is here, that I will know in my heart completely, that J and I both wanted him/her to be our precious baby.  That I will know how hard fought this baby was, and will relish the victory of them being mine.  I am just going to keep praying.

It has been a weird day.  I see babies and pregnant people EVERYWHERE.  My old hairdresser had her baby today.  I log on to Facebook and wait to see more announcements of people who are expecting.  And I try not to be bitter.  I try and hang on to the possibility.  To the fact that Dr. T still thinks it will all work for me because he can't find anything to indicate that it won't.  I am holding out hope.  I am hanging in there for faith.  Our baby will be here...I just hope it is soon...

Back in the Stirrups

Today was the first day of monitoring.  It was a little stressful.  This first day is always one that is a little nerve-wracking to me.  I think it is just because it is that moment of truth appointment- does everything look like it is starting to work?

Today marks the start of monitoring for Round 2.  Another round of the daily stirrup show...

I had to drive in to town today for the appointment.  I had to go in to work, then had to take off from there.  I was all packed and loaded last night, so I could leave from the office.  I ran by the store to see J and say bye for the week, but of course, they got a rush, and he and I just got a quick kiss.  Then I was a speed demon the whole way here.  I miss him already, and it was so sad not to get a real goodbye.

I got in to my appointment just in time.  I got put in the back corner room- the procedure room.  I hate the room back there because it always seems like you get forgotten about back there.  I went back and changed.  And waited...and waited...and waited.  I know that IVF is very much about the hurry up and wait, but today completely demonstrated that point.  The nurse came in, and she had a trainee with her.  She was learning to do the ultrasounds.  I didn't mind being the guinea pig at first, but then she started to make me nervous because she couldn't see many follicles.  I didn't know if it was because they weren't there and growing or if it was because she was learning.  I know it is still early, so they are small and harder to see, but I was starting to sweat the small stuff- my small follicles!  They measured everything and then told me to wait while they went to talk to the doctor.  I waited and waited...I waited so long that another nurse came back to prep the room for someone else and saw me and went to get someone.  Dr. T came in soon after that and did the ultrasound again.  He made me feel better.  He thinks we may get another 7-9 eggs (similar to last time).  It wasn't the news I was hoping for, as I was hoping for more than last time, but after the first ultrasound, I was happy for that many since they only found 4 to measure.  Dr. T did up my Menopur dosage to 3 vials in 1 cc dilutent, and Follistim stayed at 225, and Lupron at 5.  I am hoping this will make the follicles grow- and that my eggs will be strong and healthy.  I am desperately hoping and praying that we will have good fertilization and embryo growth.  And J is still hoping for some pigtails.  I just want a healthy, happy baby to come from all this, and hopefully, on our first transfer...

Baseline...here we go again...

I had my baseline appointment yesterday.  I drove the 3 hours down to the appointment and got there just in time to circle the parking garage 6 times before I found a space.  I swear some times that is the worst part of the whole process- trying to find parking!  UGH!  I got in just in time.  They had a new receptionist, and she was super sweet.  I think All IVF clinics need super sweet receptionists.  Let’s face it, we are all either new to this and nervous or experienced and just a little bit damaged goods as we are walking in there- someone nice and sweet just helps.

 

My favorite nurse there did my baseline- everything looked ok.  My right ovary is super cooperative, and my left tried to hide.  We could hardly see it, and trying to identify follicles on it was pretty tough.  I am hoping it will cooperate.  They upped my Follistim dose from last time.  I was at 150 and now will be at 225.  Hopefully, that will mean better results.  My ovaries looked like they had the same number of antral follicles.  Not a ton, but not considered low.  Just maybe normal to low.  It is hard to say since it is so hard to see my left ovary.  Today, I hate my left ovary.  I just wish it were in a normal spot so it would be easy to access and see!  UGH!  I was fine with it all yesterday, but today when I think of it, I just want to cry about it.  But I am holding up ok… J was sweet yesterday when I texted him about it, and said “Awesome, bebe pigtails are coming”…it is cute because we call each other Bebe…so bebe pigtails would be our little girl, a little me.

 

I am trying to keep hopeful and faithful.  It is hard this time. I think it is the anxiety of knowing how last time turned out.  But I tell myself, if we get to the end and only have one more this time, we have doubled what we had before we started.  And it gives us two chances.  It just takes one, right?