So, let me try again...
It has been a few days since we got the bad news. Yesterday confirmed it. I took my patches off mid-day and my last shot was Sunday night. So,I should get my period tomorrow or Thursday. I feel like once i get that, it will be us moving forward. Until then, I am just in a holding pattern of hell.
Over the weekend, I started planning- because that is what I do. I can avoid the devastation if I am planning my next phase of attack on this problem. If I don't have my next plan, then I am crushed and defeated, but so long a I have another move, I am ok. Not good by any means, but OK.
I spent most of the weekend crying and sleeping though. I know they are signs of grief and depression, but i didn't, and don't, care. I needed it to feel OK. So, when I was up, I was planning and when I wasn't planning, I cried until I fell asleep. We had the boys, so I had to hide it all too...which was exhausting in itself. It is harder because I don’t get Jason to myself to cry to. He has been really good about trying to listen but the boys just pull attention all the time, and I get that. I 'm pretty sure E threw up late Sunday night (or maybe it was a dream), but I couldn’t get up, I was too exhausted- physically and mentally- to help, and Jason got up, so I figured it worked.
While I was researching and planning, a topic I saw over and over after failure of IVF is when to change clinics. I hadn't thought much about it at first, but I am wondering. Where I am torn is that Dr. T is really good, and really nice. He genuinely cares about how I feel. But maybe I am less feely than I thought. (I always thought I was an emotional “feely” person- and maybe compared to other engineers I am, but I guess maybe not like people in the real world?) But in this, I am looking more for stats, and data, and all the things a planner/engineer wants and needs. I think Dr. T struggles with that- partly because some of it may be a guessing game, and I am getting the impression I don’t “fit” in any of it, and maybe that the only answer is I DON’T KNOW (and I am just unwilling to accept it), and maybe that my expectations are high- I know several people who had success right away with it all, and now maybe I expect it but the norm is more what I am experiencing. I don’t know. But all I know is all I have heard is how young I am, how healthy, and how I am a good candidate. So, when it is not playing out like it should, I guess it is harder, and I just don’t know if he is saying nice things so I think positively, or if it is real. He did say if I wanted he can check my uterus again, but since it has only been 4-5 months, and I have been observed, he is not sure he expects a change. I think I am going to do it because I don’t want to waste my last shot if there is something fixable there. I am glad my job pays well and that I get good bonus payouts. I may not be able to stay at home after my baby is born, but I will cross that bridge after we get him here!
I also found out we have 7 more vials of Jason's sperm. That is good if we have to do another cycle, although I am wondering how much of our issues are me and how much could be from the TESA sperm. There is very little info about how successful TESA sperm is and most of it is tied to other influences in male factor infertility. I feel like I want to talk to the lab guys as much as I want to talk to Dr. T, just to know where our biggest issue is. I am way more nerd than most I guess.
I asked about a fresh transfer if this one doesn’t work, and at first Dr. T said it probably wouldn’t be our first choice, but when I explained why, he said it is logical and makes sense, and it may be something to try, but we won’t talk about it now until we know what happens with this last frozen….I am just praying I won’t have to worry about it.
I am ready to move forward. I have never looked forward to a period this much. I just need something to grasp on to for a little hope. And that hope is coming from this next chance. I hope it works. PLEASE GOD, I AM READY TO BE A MOM, SO PLEASE LET THIS LITTLE EMBRYO STICK!!
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