Awash in Calm

So, somewhere in the middle of all this waiting, an overwhelming sense of peace has washed over me.  It might be denial, but it feels more like peace.  I have been praying for calmness while I wait and that my beta comes back positive.  Well, I feel calm.  I am hoping that my beta comes back positive Monday too.

I have been thinking I will only work a half day Monday- go in after my blood draw and leave at lunch since they won't get results until about noon.  Then, I can enjoy the results at home and not be a complete wreck while I wait.  I am hoping my calm will last, but I know that can be blown at any second, so I am trying to be prepared.  My hopes and prayers are that it will be good news and I will be celebrating!

Lord, I pray to you today and ask for continued peace, and that I am pregnant now and my little baby is growing inside me, and will continue to grow until it is time to deliver in June.  Please Lord, bless me with this child.  Amen!

Imagine

I am having a hard time today.  I am antsy and nervous, and it is still 5 more days until I will have results!  UGH!

But I am really struggling with something more abstract right now.  I am struggling to even imagine myself as pregnant. Or with a baby.  I am hoping it is just how I am practicing some kind of self preservation, and not a sign of something bad.  I just know I want to be a mom so bad, even if I can't imagine being pregnant, or having a baby.  Maybe it is a good thing- maybe it means I won't be hung up on an idea of how it should be and can truly enjoy it for how it is, since it is highly unlikely I will get a second chance at it.  I mean, I can imagine telling people I am pregnant, I just can't imagine myself being pregnant.  Is it weird?

Until monday, I am just praying...and praying...and praying...and hoping...beyond all hope...that I will know what being pregnant is like, and I won't have to imagine a baby because in June I will hold my baby.

TMI & Crazy- Not a Good Combo!

I am trying not to stress.  I am trying not to go nuts.  I am trying not to Google.  These are hard things.  Very hard.  Last night, I couldn't help myself and I googled...it is really TMI...but here is it (you have been warned and can look away)...how can you tell if it is implantation cramping or constipation.  I had some cramps and needed to poop, but they continued after I went.  I think it was a poop issue.  I wanted confirmation.  I am not sure, but I think I feel better thinking it was poop. I don't want to hang on to every what if and maybe and then be crushed if it isn't.

Today is the day implantation is supposed to be complete.  I am hoping and praying my little baby is hanging on tight in there and that I will get good news on Monday.  I am trying hard not to go crazy and stay relaxed...so I am listening to my "Affirmations: Post Embryo Transfer" on repeat almost all day at work.  I am not sure how crazy I would be if I weren't but I am sure it would be worse.

God- please, I am praying to you with every particle of my being, that this is my time, that my baby is growing in me, and I will deliver a healthy, happy baby in June.  AMEN!!

Post Transfer Overload

OK, so I am off bed rest now.  I am back to "normal but reduced" activity.  I am OK with this...I think.  I mean, I am not sure what "reduced" looks like...I think I am doing reduced, but maybe it is high activity compared to others, or maybe my normal is slackersville compared to others.  I don't know.  I just know I am not going to exercise, and not lift anything heavy.  I want this to work, so i will err on the side of less is better.  Jason will probably get annoyed with me!  OH WELL!!

So, some random thoughts while I was on bed rest...

These are from emails to one of my friends...

"Bedrest is bad for my wallet…I just keep shopping online!  UGH! Someone hide my wallet…and delete all my settings that have my CC info saved on my computer!  It is so bad! But it is only money and it is giving me a little relief from going cray cray while I lay here and wait…just a few more hours and then at least I am mobile.  I can do this…"

"I am off bed rest today. It was just Friday and Saturday but it was long enough for me!! Now it is just the wait. I am actually doing meditation and almost a hypnosis/positive visualization thing to try and minimize stress. Jason probably thinks I am whackadoodle and I feel like IVF has made me one crystal shy of Shannon from RHOC!! But at this point I will do almost anything!! It won't hurt anything, and I do feel less stressed so that's got to be a positive...but if I start having someone put crystals in my mouth, you have to come here and have an intervention!! Haha!! But seriously!! ☺️"

We are both fans of Real Housewives of Orange County- so that is the reference there.  

So, to get in to the details of the transfer.

We left at 7:30 in the morning..it was a little tense in the car.  I was bitchy and Jason was insensitive, which is not a good combo.  But I just put on my headphones and listened to my relaxation/hypnosis songs (not really songs, but I don't know what to call them).  I tried to focus and relax and have positive thoughts.  It calmed me down, and I just thought about all the people from the Baby Fever group who were praying for this and I prayed over and over on the way there.

We pulled over to take a bathroom break, and of course, we ran in to someone we knew headed out of town too.  Seriously?  Ugh.  A small fib about going to go shop, and we were on our way.  I hate that I have to fib so much, but I also don't want acquaintances knowing all our business.  Oh well.

We were back on the road, and I started drinking my water just as we were getting in to town.  I had talked to the nurses and decided I was only going to drink about 20 oz of water instead of the 32 oz the paperwork said.  Last time, I had to pee so much, it was awful.  We were hoping this would be just enough.

As we got in to the office, we found parking, and everything was going smoothly.  Jason was a little snippy when I mentioned something about what lane to be in, but I let it go.  I didn't want negativity to be lingering during my transfer.

We got in the office and Dr. S, my acupuncturist was there waiting.  I was signed in and we went back to the procedure room.  I got undressed as I needed, and we started the acupuncture.  Dr. T came in and told us the thaw went well, and we were good to go.  Once the acupuncture was done, they checked my bladder and the nurse said it was "perfect" to her, and she showed Dr. T and he said great.  We did the mock transfer and he said ti went great, and then they brought our little embryo in. We made the transfer and all went well.  Dr. S came back in to do the post-trasnfer treatment, and then we were done.  (Obviously, they went over paperwork, etc., but for all the procedure stuff, we were done.)

We got in the car and headed home.  We had Chick-Fil-A for lunch- not the best option, but I wanted food (I was starving), and I heart Chick-Fil-A and the joy of it should be good for my little embryo!  I wanted Smallcakes, but the fabulous icing has too much dairy and often times hurts my stomach- and I didn't want that, so I didn't ask for it!

We drove home, and let me tell you, the far back seat of the QX80 is not very comfortable for laying down in.  But I slept anyways, as the valium was working.  I listened to my affirmations and slept.  I prayed when I was lucid, and my heart called out prayers when I wasn't.  We made it home and I got in bed and slept and rested the rest of the evening.

Saturday, I woke up and moved out to the couch, it was a change and allowed Jason to sleep in some. After he got up, I went back to bed and stayed there.  About lunch time, I took a little break and sat for a few minutes and shaved my legs and underarms without showering or bathing- the razor burn was bad, don't believe the whole use baby oil and you can dry shave myth...it BURNS!  But it allowed me to skip the shower and not have major anxiety about the prickles!  I spent the rest of the time laying down and watching TV or napping.  And let's not forget, I did a lot of online shopping, as evident by my emails above!

I survived the bed rest, and now on to the waiting.  Work should be full of stuff to do, so that will help. And my rule this time- NO GOOGLING and NO HPT'S- just positive thoughts that this time it will work!

Now, I am still hoping, praying and visualizing that my little embryo is hatching and implanting.

FET 2 Is In The Books

It's done.  I am praying for good results and trying to make it through the bed rest...I will post more later.

Two More Days

We are two days out, and I am a basket case!  I can't focus, I can't remember, and I feel all out of whack.  Yesterday, I almost forgot to up my dosage of PIO.  Today, I could have sworn it was Thursday, even though I was getting up early for my Wednesday morning meeting.  I knew it was Wednesday, but I kept thinking Thursday.  I am going to lose my mind if this transfer doesn't happen soon!  I am so afraid of something going wrong...but I am praying it all goes right.  Please God, let this all go right!

I Am A Planner

I just lost my whole post...this SUCKS!!  UGH!!

So, let me try again...

It has been a few days since we got the bad news.  Yesterday confirmed it.  I took my patches off mid-day and my last shot was Sunday night.  So,I should get my period tomorrow or Thursday.  I feel like once i get that, it will be us moving forward.  Until then, I am just in a holding pattern of hell.

Over the weekend, I started planning- because that is what I do.  I can avoid the devastation if I am planning my next phase of attack on this problem.  If I don't have my next plan, then I am crushed and defeated, but so long a I have another move, I am ok.  Not good by any means, but OK.  

I spent most of the weekend crying and sleeping though.  I know they are signs of grief and depression, but i didn't, and don't, care.  I needed it to feel OK.  So, when I was up, I was planning and when I wasn't planning, I cried until I fell asleep.  We had the boys, so I had to hide it all too...which was exhausting in itself.  It is harder because I don’t get Jason to myself to cry to.  He has been really good about trying to listen but the boys just pull attention all the time, and I get that.  I 'm pretty sure E threw up late Sunday night (or maybe it was a dream), but I couldn’t get up, I was too exhausted- physically and mentally- to help, and Jason got up, so I figured it worked.

While I was researching and planning, a topic I saw over and over after failure of IVF is when to change clinics.  I hadn't thought much about it at first, but I am wondering.  Where I am torn is that Dr. T is really good, and really nice.  He genuinely cares about how I feel.  But maybe I am less feely than I thought.  (I always thought I was an emotional “feely” person- and maybe compared to other engineers I am, but I guess maybe not like people in the real world?)  But in this, I am looking more for stats, and data, and all the things a planner/engineer wants and needs.  I think Dr. T struggles with that- partly because some of it may be a guessing game, and I am getting the impression I don’t “fit” in any of it, and maybe that the only answer is I DON’T KNOW (and I am just unwilling to accept it), and maybe that my expectations are high- I know several people who had success right away with it all, and now maybe I expect it but the norm is more what I am experiencing.  I don’t know.  But all I know is all I have heard is how young I am, how healthy, and how I am a good candidate.   So, when it is not playing out like it should, I guess it is harder, and I just don’t know if he is saying nice things so I think positively, or if it is real.  He did say if I wanted he can check my uterus again, but since it has only been 4-5 months, and I have been observed, he is not sure he expects a change.  I think I am going to do it because I don’t want to waste my last shot if there is something fixable there.  I am glad my job pays well and that I get good bonus payouts.  I may not be able to stay at home after my baby is born, but I will cross that bridge after we get him here!

I also found out we have 7 more vials of Jason's sperm.  That is good if we have to do another cycle, although I am wondering how much of our issues are me and how much could be from the TESA sperm.  There is very little info about how successful TESA sperm is and most of it is tied to other influences in male factor infertility.  I feel like I want to talk to the lab guys as much as I want to talk to Dr. T, just to know where our biggest issue is.  I am way more nerd than most I guess.

I asked about a fresh transfer if this one doesn’t work, and at first Dr. T said it probably wouldn’t be our first choice, but when I explained why, he said it is logical and makes sense, and it may be something to try, but we won’t talk about it now until we know what happens with this last frozen….I am just praying I won’t have to worry about it.

I am ready to move forward.  I have never looked forward to a period this much.  I just need something to grasp on to for a little hope.  And that hope is coming from this next chance.  I hope it works.  PLEASE GOD, I AM READY TO BE A MOM, SO PLEASE LET THIS LITTLE EMBRYO STICK!!

BETA DAY!! Am I Ready?

6:00AM:  Beta Day is here...and I am not sure how I feel about it. It's six in the morning, the lab doesn't open for 30 minutes, and I'm sitting in the parking lot… I'm so nervous now! Part of me is afraid to go in, because at least until I take the test I could be pregnant. If it comes back negative, then I know…and I am not sure I am ready for that...but if I don't go in, I won't know. Hopefully, not knowing will be worse than anything they say. I am praying for God to please answer this prayer for a positive pregnancy test!!

Sitting in the car waiting for the lab to open

6:30AM: I am headed in!! My knees are shaking, and I am scared as hell, but I am going in! Please God, let me be pregnant!!




6:52AM: It's done! I am still scared! But I hope it is a good sign that my wrap is blue!!

The phlebotomist said the results should be to Dr. T by about noon...I hope and pray it is good news!!