It's All About Numbers

So, one thing that you might hear (sometimes a lot) in the IVF game, is that it is all about the numbers.  So here are some of my numbers…and this is only until today…we still have more to do before our transfer!

Days since we started this IVF journey: 259

For Jason (he has completed 1 TESA)

Doctor’s appointments: 2

Medical procedures: 1

Blood draws: 1

For Jessica (2 rounds of IVF (no fresh transfers), 2 embryo genetic testing, 1+ FET (we are mid-way through our second FET))

Doctor’s Appointments: 23 (just for my RE, not including others)

Doctor’s Appointments that had no point (follow ups and consults): 3

Medical procedures: 6

Ultrasounds: 19

Shots injected: 154 (not including tonight’s injection)

Blood draws: 17

Eggs retrieved: 15

Eggs fertilized: 9

Embryos biopsied: 2

Embryos genetically normal: 2

Acupuncture appointments: 10 (started prior to first FET)

Our Dollars spent: $24,310*

Insurance Dollars Spent: $12,700

*- does not count acupuncture costs (not covered by my insurance), add another $956 to date on it, with another $458 to go…

Pregnancies: 0

It’s the last number that hurts the most…and it is the one I am most anxious to see change!!

Period...

Ok, I swear I am like a little pre-teen girl!! I am so anxious to start my period so I can get the next round going, it isn't even funny! If jumping around like a bunny rabbit would expedite this, my new nickname would be Bugs!!

I Am A Planner

I just lost my whole post...this SUCKS!!  UGH!!

So, let me try again...

It has been a few days since we got the bad news.  Yesterday confirmed it.  I took my patches off mid-day and my last shot was Sunday night.  So,I should get my period tomorrow or Thursday.  I feel like once i get that, it will be us moving forward.  Until then, I am just in a holding pattern of hell.

Over the weekend, I started planning- because that is what I do.  I can avoid the devastation if I am planning my next phase of attack on this problem.  If I don't have my next plan, then I am crushed and defeated, but so long a I have another move, I am ok.  Not good by any means, but OK.  

I spent most of the weekend crying and sleeping though.  I know they are signs of grief and depression, but i didn't, and don't, care.  I needed it to feel OK.  So, when I was up, I was planning and when I wasn't planning, I cried until I fell asleep.  We had the boys, so I had to hide it all too...which was exhausting in itself.  It is harder because I don’t get Jason to myself to cry to.  He has been really good about trying to listen but the boys just pull attention all the time, and I get that.  I 'm pretty sure E threw up late Sunday night (or maybe it was a dream), but I couldn’t get up, I was too exhausted- physically and mentally- to help, and Jason got up, so I figured it worked.

While I was researching and planning, a topic I saw over and over after failure of IVF is when to change clinics.  I hadn't thought much about it at first, but I am wondering.  Where I am torn is that Dr. T is really good, and really nice.  He genuinely cares about how I feel.  But maybe I am less feely than I thought.  (I always thought I was an emotional “feely” person- and maybe compared to other engineers I am, but I guess maybe not like people in the real world?)  But in this, I am looking more for stats, and data, and all the things a planner/engineer wants and needs.  I think Dr. T struggles with that- partly because some of it may be a guessing game, and I am getting the impression I don’t “fit” in any of it, and maybe that the only answer is I DON’T KNOW (and I am just unwilling to accept it), and maybe that my expectations are high- I know several people who had success right away with it all, and now maybe I expect it but the norm is more what I am experiencing.  I don’t know.  But all I know is all I have heard is how young I am, how healthy, and how I am a good candidate.   So, when it is not playing out like it should, I guess it is harder, and I just don’t know if he is saying nice things so I think positively, or if it is real.  He did say if I wanted he can check my uterus again, but since it has only been 4-5 months, and I have been observed, he is not sure he expects a change.  I think I am going to do it because I don’t want to waste my last shot if there is something fixable there.  I am glad my job pays well and that I get good bonus payouts.  I may not be able to stay at home after my baby is born, but I will cross that bridge after we get him here!

I also found out we have 7 more vials of Jason's sperm.  That is good if we have to do another cycle, although I am wondering how much of our issues are me and how much could be from the TESA sperm.  There is very little info about how successful TESA sperm is and most of it is tied to other influences in male factor infertility.  I feel like I want to talk to the lab guys as much as I want to talk to Dr. T, just to know where our biggest issue is.  I am way more nerd than most I guess.

I asked about a fresh transfer if this one doesn’t work, and at first Dr. T said it probably wouldn’t be our first choice, but when I explained why, he said it is logical and makes sense, and it may be something to try, but we won’t talk about it now until we know what happens with this last frozen….I am just praying I won’t have to worry about it.

I am ready to move forward.  I have never looked forward to a period this much.  I just need something to grasp on to for a little hope.  And that hope is coming from this next chance.  I hope it works.  PLEASE GOD, I AM READY TO BE A MOM, SO PLEASE LET THIS LITTLE EMBRYO STICK!!

Negative.

It was negative.  I am devastated.  I got the news yesterday, but I couldn't bring myself to type it out.  It hurt too bad to even think it, or have to say it, so I had a really hard time posting this.  I have to go back Monday to confirm the results.  Until then, I have to continue with the injections. Dr. T mentioned how hard that will be because the shots hurt- they are NOTHING compared to my broken heart.  NOTHING.

I am going to try another FET though.  We have one embryo left.  Please God, let that one stick!

BETA DAY!! Am I Ready?

6:00AM:  Beta Day is here...and I am not sure how I feel about it. It's six in the morning, the lab doesn't open for 30 minutes, and I'm sitting in the parking lot… I'm so nervous now! Part of me is afraid to go in, because at least until I take the test I could be pregnant. If it comes back negative, then I know…and I am not sure I am ready for that...but if I don't go in, I won't know. Hopefully, not knowing will be worse than anything they say. I am praying for God to please answer this prayer for a positive pregnancy test!!

Sitting in the car waiting for the lab to open

6:30AM: I am headed in!! My knees are shaking, and I am scared as hell, but I am going in! Please God, let me be pregnant!!




6:52AM: It's done! I am still scared! But I hope it is a good sign that my wrap is blue!!

The phlebotomist said the results should be to Dr. T by about noon...I hope and pray it is good news!!

Dragging By

These may be the longest 5 days of my life!!  My Beta Test is Friday, and each moment of each day feels like it is dragging on so slowly.  But I am hoping that my little butter bean has found a cosy place to hang out for the next 9 months.  Today, I could smell smoke and Jason smoking his cigar from outside, and I never noticed it before.  I am hoping that is a good sign.  I feel a little tension in my lower abdomen, and I am hoping it is just further implantation...hopes and prayers for it all!

I tried my first pregnancy test today and it was negative, but it is still WAY early to test.  I am going to keep testing but I also have done my research and know that even up until my beta, it is highly likely that a home pregnancy test won't come back as positive.  So, I will save one or two tests for after I get a positive beta, but will probably end up testing daily until then.  Hoping and praying for a positive before Beta Day though...

Make My Uterus Your Home!!

It has been a couple of days since our FET.  I couldn't write much while I was on my "bed rest" because I was trying to stay calm and relaxed, and I wasn't supposed to be sitting up in bed, which makes it hard to type!

So, on Wednesday morning, I got up and got ready.  Jason and I drove down to the clinic and I started to get very nervous.  So, of course, we bickered a little as we hit the traffic due to the construction around the hospital.  I hate that I fought with him as we went in for our appointment.  I hate that instead of just being happy, we had mean words for each other.  But I know he loves me, and he knows I was nervous, so we are well past it.  It just makes me a little sad to think about it.  I understand it, the stress is so high by that point, but it just sucks, you know?

About an hour before my treatment, I was supposed to drink 32 ounces of water.  CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?  I have possibly the smallest bladder ever and process water at about the speed of light...this was going to be a disaster!

Anyways, we went in and met with the acupuncturist.  Dr. J gave me my pre-transfer treatment.  At this point I am starting to feel squirmy from having to pee.

Dr. T came in and told me the thaw went well.  My little guy was a champ- he thawed out and even started to expand and hatch- all good signs!!

After we talked about the embryo, they asked about my bladder.  I said I was definitely feeling it now, and asked how long it would be until I could pee so I would know if I could make it.  She said 45 minutes to an hour, and I said I didn't know if I could make it.  My nurse checked my bladder with the ultrasound and says "Oh my!  You DO have to go!" and so she let me go and pee for 10 seconds.  I came back and she asked if I feel better, I said a little.  Dr. T looked at my bladder again and said, "Go again, this time maybe for 5 seconds."  So, I did it again.  I came back and he still thought I was pretty full, but I said if it will help, I can suffer it out!

We did the mock transfer and it went well.  They loaded the embryo in the catheter, and transferred it!  Now my little butter bean is in my uterus looking for a comfy spot to implant and grow in to my baby boy!!

Here is my little boy!!  He was working hard to continue growing and hatch out of his outer shell!

After the transfer, Dr. J came in and did my second treatment.  About the time my bladder was going to either explode or I was going to pee myself, it was time to go pee!  Thank goodness!  After I peed, I got dressed, we loaded up, and drove home.  Jason stopped by Whole Foods (a luxury we don't have at home) and we ran by Smallcakes and got me a cupcake to celebrate.  I also peed again.  :o)

The drive home I slept most of the way.  It was easier than thinking about it all.  Once we got home, I got in to bed, and stayed there as much as I could for the rest of the day and the next day.

Friday was back to a light duty day.  It was hard to stay off of Google trying to find out when to take the home pregnancy tests.  I wasn't going to take one, but I realized, that is not my style- haha!  I need to know, I need to feel some level of control, some level of comfort in knowing I am doing something.  I won't feel discouraged until Beta Day if they come back negative, because it could just be my levels are hard to pick up and may be diluted in my urine.  And since we did an eSET (elective single embryo transfer) my hCG levels may not be high enough until Beta Day because I will only have one little guy in there!  So, I will be optimistic until my nurse tells me otherwise.  But I am also praying I get a positive test early!  Hopes and prayers are always on my mind, and I am headed to the dollar store to get some HPTs to start testing tomorrow and monitor my progress (hopefully it will be good news next time I am on the blog!)!!!

FINALLY!

The day has finally arrived- we go today for the FET.  I cannot wait!  I am ready to feel like we are really moving forward!  We will head to Dr. T's about 9 a.m. so we can get there early and be ready for my acupuncture.  Then, they will do the transfer and we will begin the waiting part....oh how long the waiting will seem, but it will be so worth it when it all works out!  I am giddy like a little schoolgirl!!  The waiting has been so hard, but it will all be worth it once I am holding my baby in my arms!!

2 More Days...

It is the Monday before our transfer.  Two days from now, at this time, I will be ready and on a table, waiting for them to transfer my little butter bean in to place...

I am getting excited!! I am nervous, but mostly hopeful.  As of right now, I have no reason to be anything other than optimistic, and so, I will hold on to that.  

My backside is SORE.  Jason has done a phenomenal job giving me my progesterone injections.  I am glad he is a strong guy- they are tough to administer, and I imagine if he was struggling to push the PIO out of the syringe, I would be barking or crying...  As it it, I am sore just from having thick medicine injected in my backside.  I ice the area until it is numb to do the injections, and they don't hurt- I feel some pressure, but never pain.  Then, J rubs it for a little while.  The next day is when it is sore.  But I can push through the pain.  My only fear is that Jason won't be able to give me a shot one night, and I will have to do it myself.  It makes me a little nervous to think about that!!

I am trying very hard to practice patience.  It is HARD for me, but I am trying to distract myself.  I know I will need to be good at it while I wait until my Beta test.  I am already having the dilemma of doing the home pregnancy test, or not.  And I am honestly not sure right now whether I will or I won't.  Hopefully, Jason and I can chat about it and decide together.  We will see...right now just counting down the days.

9 Days

It is 9 days until my FET...and I am an emotional wreck!  Not in the "I am so nervous" kind of way, but more in the "My hormones are out of control" kind of way.  And the Lupron is finally causing me some insomnia.  So, not only am I emotional, but I am weirdly tired and really awake all at the same time.  Is this what people on hardcore drugs are like- no thanks to any of that!!

So, 9 days out and it is just more shots and more patches.  I am on 3 patches and 5 units of Lupron still.  My legs are super tender.  I guess after 4 months of shooting Lupron in them (and Follistim for a while too), they have hit their limits and are rebelling on me.  Or at least my left leg is.  I used to not bleed much and it never really "hurt"- might sting, but I was a big girl and could deal with it.  Now my left left HURTS- as in bring out the ice pack it is THROBBING!! My right leg definitely feels more sensitive than before, but nowhere near as sensitive as the left.  Thank goodness only a few more days of Lupron- hopefully for a really, really long time!  Then on to the progesterone in oil- but at least it is more in my hip/butt and not my thighs!

So, I am seeing a lot more posts on Facebook about people being pregnant.  Most are friends of friends, but it still stings a little.  I am just hoping it will be my turn soon...lots of prayers for that!!  Off to another acupuncture appointment now.  Maybe I will write more about it soon.

T-Minus 15 and Counting

I had my first acupuncture treatment today.  It wasn't bad at all.  Mostly pleasant- in fact, the hardest part was staying that still!  I am not sure if I believe in all it, but I am willing to try it.

Today is 15 days out to our FET.  I am getting nervous about it- but in a good way...I am getting anxiously excited about it all.  I can't wait to have the feeling of knowing my baby is inside me.  I am hoping and praying he decides to stay for 9 more months!!

I have continued on the Lupron (currently at 5 units) and am wearing 1 estrogen patch.  On Thursday, I up my patch count to 2.  Never in my life did I anticipate being excited about patches and upping my patch counts.  But here I am.  And I am closer than I have ever been to having my wish come true!

Countdown

I am under a month out of my FET.  I am trying not to turn in to a crazy person.  I am trying to just be a patient person and wait the process out.  I am back to giving myself shots, and that feels “normal” and like we are finally going somewhere again on this journey.  Today was my last birth control pill, hopefully ever, unless we decide to try for another. I am so ready to be pregnant, and I am so afraid that it is possible I won’t be.

I have thought more than I should about the “what-if” scenario if this doesn’t work.  What do I want to do?  What would J be willing to do?  How much extra “stuff” do we have left- I am not sure if I can convince him to do another TESA to keep trying… Do we consider a new clinic or stay with Dr. T?  There is another doctor at the same clinic we are at, so would we try working with him?  It is a lot to think about and I am not sure I am ready to really think about  it, but the thoughts keep creeping in.

We had our follow up with Dr. T on Friday.  We drove down there and J was in a bad mood- things were not going well at the store.  I hope that he thought it was worth it.  We went and talked about the thaw plan.  We are going to thaw our first little guy first, and the second one will be on standby for thawing if anything doesn’t look good.  

We also talked about the last cycle.  Dr. T didn’t have much to give me except that my left ovary doesn’t make much.  The right is a normally functioning one, and he said in all likelihood, my left ovary is fine for “normal” use, but doesn’t respond well to additional stimulation.  He said both times we cycled, it responded and looked fine, but just had low follicle count.  Overall, he said not to worry much because we do get a healthy embryo each time with the biopsy.  I cried but we all agree it must be the hormones.  He thinks I am not normally that emotional...J may disagree, but in front of others, I normally keep it together.  Like Dr. T said, we had to have some hard conversations during the last cycle about how many eggs we would get and I didn't cry then, so I must not be a crier. ;)

Speaking of biopsied embryos, it looks like we have about a 50% chance of getting pregnant.  It may be slightly lower since we are doing a single embryo transfer, or maybe slightly higher.  They don’t have enough biopsied embryo transfers to have adequate sample size to track it by single or multiple embryo transfers or by age.  I will take my 50% odds- it is better than naturally conceiving, and even better than most IVF cycles.  

So, now it is just a matter of giving my injections, and taking my vitamins, and just working the process.  Tuesday is my next ultrasound, and we will see how it goes.  Hope and prayer for the best!