It's All About Numbers

So, one thing that you might hear (sometimes a lot) in the IVF game, is that it is all about the numbers.  So here are some of my numbers…and this is only until today…we still have more to do before our transfer!

Days since we started this IVF journey: 259

For Jason (he has completed 1 TESA)

Doctor’s appointments: 2

Medical procedures: 1

Blood draws: 1

For Jessica (2 rounds of IVF (no fresh transfers), 2 embryo genetic testing, 1+ FET (we are mid-way through our second FET))

Doctor’s Appointments: 23 (just for my RE, not including others)

Doctor’s Appointments that had no point (follow ups and consults): 3

Medical procedures: 6

Ultrasounds: 19

Shots injected: 154 (not including tonight’s injection)

Blood draws: 17

Eggs retrieved: 15

Eggs fertilized: 9

Embryos biopsied: 2

Embryos genetically normal: 2

Acupuncture appointments: 10 (started prior to first FET)

Our Dollars spent: $24,310*

Insurance Dollars Spent: $12,700

*- does not count acupuncture costs (not covered by my insurance), add another $956 to date on it, with another $458 to go…

Pregnancies: 0

It’s the last number that hurts the most…and it is the one I am most anxious to see change!!

2 More Days...

It is the Monday before our transfer.  Two days from now, at this time, I will be ready and on a table, waiting for them to transfer my little butter bean in to place...

I am getting excited!! I am nervous, but mostly hopeful.  As of right now, I have no reason to be anything other than optimistic, and so, I will hold on to that.  

My backside is SORE.  Jason has done a phenomenal job giving me my progesterone injections.  I am glad he is a strong guy- they are tough to administer, and I imagine if he was struggling to push the PIO out of the syringe, I would be barking or crying...  As it it, I am sore just from having thick medicine injected in my backside.  I ice the area until it is numb to do the injections, and they don't hurt- I feel some pressure, but never pain.  Then, J rubs it for a little while.  The next day is when it is sore.  But I can push through the pain.  My only fear is that Jason won't be able to give me a shot one night, and I will have to do it myself.  It makes me a little nervous to think about that!!

I am trying very hard to practice patience.  It is HARD for me, but I am trying to distract myself.  I know I will need to be good at it while I wait until my Beta test.  I am already having the dilemma of doing the home pregnancy test, or not.  And I am honestly not sure right now whether I will or I won't.  Hopefully, Jason and I can chat about it and decide together.  We will see...right now just counting down the days.

9 Days

It is 9 days until my FET...and I am an emotional wreck!  Not in the "I am so nervous" kind of way, but more in the "My hormones are out of control" kind of way.  And the Lupron is finally causing me some insomnia.  So, not only am I emotional, but I am weirdly tired and really awake all at the same time.  Is this what people on hardcore drugs are like- no thanks to any of that!!

So, 9 days out and it is just more shots and more patches.  I am on 3 patches and 5 units of Lupron still.  My legs are super tender.  I guess after 4 months of shooting Lupron in them (and Follistim for a while too), they have hit their limits and are rebelling on me.  Or at least my left leg is.  I used to not bleed much and it never really "hurt"- might sting, but I was a big girl and could deal with it.  Now my left left HURTS- as in bring out the ice pack it is THROBBING!! My right leg definitely feels more sensitive than before, but nowhere near as sensitive as the left.  Thank goodness only a few more days of Lupron- hopefully for a really, really long time!  Then on to the progesterone in oil- but at least it is more in my hip/butt and not my thighs!

So, I am seeing a lot more posts on Facebook about people being pregnant.  Most are friends of friends, but it still stings a little.  I am just hoping it will be my turn soon...lots of prayers for that!!  Off to another acupuncture appointment now.  Maybe I will write more about it soon.

Countdown

I am under a month out of my FET.  I am trying not to turn in to a crazy person.  I am trying to just be a patient person and wait the process out.  I am back to giving myself shots, and that feels “normal” and like we are finally going somewhere again on this journey.  Today was my last birth control pill, hopefully ever, unless we decide to try for another. I am so ready to be pregnant, and I am so afraid that it is possible I won’t be.

I have thought more than I should about the “what-if” scenario if this doesn’t work.  What do I want to do?  What would J be willing to do?  How much extra “stuff” do we have left- I am not sure if I can convince him to do another TESA to keep trying… Do we consider a new clinic or stay with Dr. T?  There is another doctor at the same clinic we are at, so would we try working with him?  It is a lot to think about and I am not sure I am ready to really think about  it, but the thoughts keep creeping in.

We had our follow up with Dr. T on Friday.  We drove down there and J was in a bad mood- things were not going well at the store.  I hope that he thought it was worth it.  We went and talked about the thaw plan.  We are going to thaw our first little guy first, and the second one will be on standby for thawing if anything doesn’t look good.  

We also talked about the last cycle.  Dr. T didn’t have much to give me except that my left ovary doesn’t make much.  The right is a normally functioning one, and he said in all likelihood, my left ovary is fine for “normal” use, but doesn’t respond well to additional stimulation.  He said both times we cycled, it responded and looked fine, but just had low follicle count.  Overall, he said not to worry much because we do get a healthy embryo each time with the biopsy.  I cried but we all agree it must be the hormones.  He thinks I am not normally that emotional...J may disagree, but in front of others, I normally keep it together.  Like Dr. T said, we had to have some hard conversations during the last cycle about how many eggs we would get and I didn't cry then, so I must not be a crier. ;)

Speaking of biopsied embryos, it looks like we have about a 50% chance of getting pregnant.  It may be slightly lower since we are doing a single embryo transfer, or maybe slightly higher.  They don’t have enough biopsied embryo transfers to have adequate sample size to track it by single or multiple embryo transfers or by age.  I will take my 50% odds- it is better than naturally conceiving, and even better than most IVF cycles.  

So, now it is just a matter of giving my injections, and taking my vitamins, and just working the process.  Tuesday is my next ultrasound, and we will see how it goes.  Hope and prayer for the best!

Medications, Injections, & Mother's Day

Well, I got sick from the first antibiotic they gave me for prep on round 2.  If that is what morning sickness will be like, I am dreading it, but having a baby will be so worth it!!

 

Now, I am on a different antibiotic, and this one is working better.  I really look like I am sick- I take 6 pills each morning, and then with the injections, I am glad most people don’t ever see what I am taking or they would probably think I am really sick.  But I am not, just trying to have a baby!!! 

 

 

The injections are going fine, but they seemed to hurt a little more this time.  I think that maybe I just picked a few sensitive spots, or maybe I am just getting used to it again, because it is getting better.

 

I have been on 20 units of Lupron sine the 10^th.  Nothing says Happy Mother’s Day like a shot in the leg!  Mother’s Day was a little rough, but not as bad as years past.  I haven't really written a post on it because I am trying to stay positive, and talking about it usually makes me pretty sad.  I will post one, but just not right now.  This year, I at least feel like we are moving towards me being a mom.  I wasn’t as sad, but just tired and weary knowing I would be wished “Happy Mother’s Day” and feeling the emptiness that I am not a “real” mom.

 

In just less than a week, I go back in for my baseline appointment, and then the Saturday after that, I start all my stims.  I am a little nervous that those may hurt a little more this time.  I don’t know if it is because I am nervous about it, or if I remember how badly I bruised and that one hurt, or what.  They did tell me that an ice pack before I give myself the injection may help me avoid some bruising, so for the Follistim and Menopur, I am going to use them (they seemed to cause more bruising than the Lupron did).     Next update coming after the baseline- hopefully, my follicles will look good!

Round Two

I need a place to put my thoughts down as we go through this journey…again.

 

I have wanted this for years.  I have prayed and prayed and prayed again.  I still do.  J only wants a little girl, since he already had 2 boys.  And I get it.  I do.  I want a little girl too.  I want a little girl to do little girl things with.  I desperately do.  But I want a baby more.  Round two…here we go.

 

Round one started in January with the initial consults, the exams.  By mid-March, we were underway, and J was being “harvested”.  Luckily, he still had lots of swimmers and they were all in good shape!  Not bad for almost 12 years post snip-snip.  The pressure was on me!  So, I started my piece at the end of March.  Poke, poke, poke, injection after injection, I diligently pursued my goal of becoming a babymaking machine.  By mid-April, I was a pro, and we were ready to retrieve my eggs.  We were hoping for 9 eggs, got 8 actual eggs, and 7 were mature enough to fertilize.  6 of the eggs made magic and then it was time to wait…for 5 whole days.  After the 5 days of waiting, only one little embryo was left.  I was devastated.  J was confident.  He said, “It is God’s plan”, and told me to relax.  We sent the sample off to be biopsied. J was confident it was a “normal” girl.  The results all come in as normal or abnormal, and are based on the right number of chromosomes.  We got the results back and it was a normal boy.  J almost didn’t believe me.  I was sad, but I would have done it anyways.  But J and I got to talking about it, and with my age (I am 32), and the concern about my egg quality (since so many failed to grow), we have decided to try one more time, and try and “bank” some more embryos just in case it takes more than one transfer to get there.  We are hoping for girls, but I will take a boy, or a monkey, for all I care!  I guess, if we have better “luck” or embryos this time, we will try for girls first, and save any boys, but I keep wondering in the back of my mind if J shouldn’t have been born a king, or in a country where an heir has to be male.  He is a male-making man!  Please God, just give make a girl happen…I just want a girl to make our family a little different than the “1^st” one.  I just want to give us a little something different.  So, tomorrow we start round two…

 

Here is a brief thought I wrote down a few days ago...right before we got the news on our "lonely only" embryo...

 

So, the last couple of nights I have had a dream that the embryo is fine, but it is a boy. Now, I am almost certain that we will have one embryo, but it will be a boy. I don't know whether I feel better or worse about it. I know Jason really wants a girl, and I would be willing to go through one more cycle before transferring it just to try and get more embryos so if it doesn't work the first time, we have a back-up, but I am scared that we will go through it all twice and still only end up with boys, and I don't know if I could get over it if he didn't want to have a boy then. Like, we gave it our best effort, but clearly you are only meant to have boys...and I just wonder whether he would really say no if we went through it twice and only ended up with boys...I desperately hope it is a girl, so I won't have to know.