Well, I have been bad at updating my progress!! Oops! Something about growing a tiny human inside of me has made it harder to have the energy to do everything I would like!
So, to catch up...I am officially off all my fertility meds! Woohoo! The weaning process was short and my body cooperated! I had my last appointment with the RE on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving! I am officially an infertility clinic graduate! Yay! And to be honest, I don't think that Jason and I will be back, except to visit and show off the belly and the baby!
After the great news at my Wednesday appointment, we told the boys and Jason's mom. And now we are telling everyone. It is exciting to get to share the news with people! I am hoping to be able to post it soon to Facebook and Instagram and then it will be out for the world to know!
I have been feeling pretty good, and have just been trying to enjoy being pregnant, although I would say that the first trimester is probably the hardest to just enjoy! I am so excited, but you don't really look pregnant, and I have been so tired, that it just seems like it is a dream some times. I think once the baby bump is really super popping (you know when people/strangers know you are pregnant and not just getting fat), and you can start feeling them move and all, then it will be more real, and easier to enjoy! Plus, I hear you get some extra energy in the 2nd ti...
I am already nesting...I want to clean up and clean out! I want everything just right...it is way early, and I can only imagine how much worse it might get.
Today, I am at the lab, I am having my first glucose tolerance test done...can I just say YUCK? I mean, the solution is not as bad as the colonoscopy prep solution, it is kind of like the nasty orange drink they served you in elementary school at parties- super sugar syrupy...and since I was on mostly water until my stomach started feeling queasy and then only drink Sprite/7up (and that feels super sugary), it was a shock to the system. But I got it down. Now I am waiting.
Tomorrow we tour the first hospital birthing center. Based on how we feel about it, we might tour the hospital in the next big town over. I have heard the second one is much nicer but I am not sure if I want to deal with changing doctors, etc. It will depend on what we see, I guess.
Ok, I am just sitting here, waiting, processing sugar, and hoping everything looks stellar!
Showing posts with label Waiting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Waiting. Show all posts
Monday, December 8, 2014
Friday, October 24, 2014
Waiting
The waiting game in IVF is definitely one of the hardest parts. When you first start this whole process you are scared of the shots- you see those big needles and think "Holy HELL, I have to stick myself with that!!"...and you understand why people pass out when they see needles. But then you start giving them to yourself, or if you are lucky, you have someone who can give them to you. You think you are going to make it through the worst part. But then you realize you haven't even gotten to the worst part yet.
After they have done the egg retrieval, the first wait begins. I mean you have been waiting before this, but those waits, they are nothing...they are excited waits, and the fear hasn't taken hold yet. But after they harvest you, then the crazy starts to set in. You start to think about and analyze what the numbers mean- did they get enough or too many? Too few and you might not have any make it out and too many, does it mean there is something wrong? If you are smart, you stay away from Google. But most of us are new, and we don't know, so you start Googling...and you start seeing statistics and trying to apply those to your eggs. You hope for 60-70% fertilization rate, and more if you can get it. Then you wait for the first call...to tell you how many made magic in the dish...
After that first call, it is more waiting..waiting to see how many grow to day 3...and what it means...what does the attrition rate of embryos mean, are my eggs bad, are my hopes and dreams over? Then you google and wait, and each second makes you feel a little more clammy and panicky...it sucks.
They call, and you get an update...some people make decisions to transfer then, but others of us, we wait it out longer...until day 5....and some of us, we wait even longer because they freeze them and run biopsies. You wait, and you wait...and you Google. Oh the bain of all IVF is Google! Why the info out there can be helpful, it can be so panic inducing to see some of the tragedies of IVF and all that is out there.
When they call and give you the results of the biopsy screening, you think the worst of the waiting is over...but you are just getting started. This has been a ramp up for the next round of waiting... and it is harder still!
If you do an FET, you realize you have a wait that is short, but scary. The wait during the thaw...where you are waiting to hear how your little embryo or embryos survived...did they make it, are they thriving and expanding and hatching, or are they coming apart, did they just not do anything, or are they not very active and you just have to take your chances? It it a hard wait, but luckily, a short one. It is the only real short one you get in all this IVF mess.
Once you get the news you are moving forward on you transfer, the transfer itself goes quickly. You would think the whole process would be slow and delicate, but it really is quite quick. Which means it leads you to The Wait...the dreaded two week wait...
During those two weeks, you analyze every feeling, pinch, twinge, bubble, twitch, thought, and dream. Once again, if you are new, you probably will hang out on Google. It will give you hope and tear it away with each click. You may be a tester...or you may be one who doesn't want to know until you have to. My first round, i was a tester...every day, I peed in a cup and dipped my little test, and waited...it should only take a few minutes, but I waited and then saw nothing, so i waited some more...hoping beyond all hope that faint line would appear. I took apart tests to see if the plastic casing was giving a weird reflection to prevent me from seeing it and was disappointed each day. For 9 days I waited and tested and saw nothing. Then, I went to have my blood drawn, and I waited to get the call to tell me my dreams for this cycle were dashed. Then, I had to wait to try again.
I went through all the waiting again for a second FET cycle, only this time, I learned. I stayed away from Google, and I didn't test. I wanted to hold on to my hope that there was a chance, and each test that came back negative destroyed that hope, so I didn't test. I waited, as patiently as i could, and then had to wait an extra day since my day 9 was on a Sunday.
That Monday, I got the best news, it was positive, and I had a good number- 166! I was thrilled! And then I realized I had to start waiting again! I had to wait until Wednesday to do my repeat draw and see if it increased and doubled. So, I waited. And the wait for that call was excruciating. I now had higher hopes and deeper dreams about what could be. I waited and counted each second, and tried to stay away from the dreaded Google. I waited and waited and tried not to panic...but your mind will do some crazy things, and you will imagine what if's like you never imagined before. And then you get your blood taken and you wait the longest wait yet....
Those minutes or hours that you are waiting are filled with every hope and fear. You are desperately hoping and praying for good news while being fearful and terrified of the potential for bad. I was so lucky on my second draw this time, I had good numbers (570). But I have seen the other side too. Today my friend got the call it wasn't doubling and barely increased. It means another miscarriage for her. She has been lucky and she had a son her first round of IVF, but this is their 3rd transfer, and out of 6 embryos, only one has made it. I am heartbroken for her. Her wait was the worst kind. The kind that didn't result in a wash of relief and joy.
As I sit here and wait until wednesday for our ultrasound to see if our little bean is still there, still growing, and has a heartbeat, I am terrified of the potential for heartbreak. And I realize that the waiting with IVF doesn't end...at least not until you deliver a healthy baby. We will always be afraid, because most of us have seen the potential for the disaster, we have witness the great let downs, the heartbreaks, the worst. But if we are lucky, we will make it to the best...to the delivery of our babies and we will celebrate that we overcame all that has tried to keep us down...and in the mean time, we wait.
After they have done the egg retrieval, the first wait begins. I mean you have been waiting before this, but those waits, they are nothing...they are excited waits, and the fear hasn't taken hold yet. But after they harvest you, then the crazy starts to set in. You start to think about and analyze what the numbers mean- did they get enough or too many? Too few and you might not have any make it out and too many, does it mean there is something wrong? If you are smart, you stay away from Google. But most of us are new, and we don't know, so you start Googling...and you start seeing statistics and trying to apply those to your eggs. You hope for 60-70% fertilization rate, and more if you can get it. Then you wait for the first call...to tell you how many made magic in the dish...
After that first call, it is more waiting..waiting to see how many grow to day 3...and what it means...what does the attrition rate of embryos mean, are my eggs bad, are my hopes and dreams over? Then you google and wait, and each second makes you feel a little more clammy and panicky...it sucks.
They call, and you get an update...some people make decisions to transfer then, but others of us, we wait it out longer...until day 5....and some of us, we wait even longer because they freeze them and run biopsies. You wait, and you wait...and you Google. Oh the bain of all IVF is Google! Why the info out there can be helpful, it can be so panic inducing to see some of the tragedies of IVF and all that is out there.
When they call and give you the results of the biopsy screening, you think the worst of the waiting is over...but you are just getting started. This has been a ramp up for the next round of waiting... and it is harder still!
If you do an FET, you realize you have a wait that is short, but scary. The wait during the thaw...where you are waiting to hear how your little embryo or embryos survived...did they make it, are they thriving and expanding and hatching, or are they coming apart, did they just not do anything, or are they not very active and you just have to take your chances? It it a hard wait, but luckily, a short one. It is the only real short one you get in all this IVF mess.
Once you get the news you are moving forward on you transfer, the transfer itself goes quickly. You would think the whole process would be slow and delicate, but it really is quite quick. Which means it leads you to The Wait...the dreaded two week wait...
During those two weeks, you analyze every feeling, pinch, twinge, bubble, twitch, thought, and dream. Once again, if you are new, you probably will hang out on Google. It will give you hope and tear it away with each click. You may be a tester...or you may be one who doesn't want to know until you have to. My first round, i was a tester...every day, I peed in a cup and dipped my little test, and waited...it should only take a few minutes, but I waited and then saw nothing, so i waited some more...hoping beyond all hope that faint line would appear. I took apart tests to see if the plastic casing was giving a weird reflection to prevent me from seeing it and was disappointed each day. For 9 days I waited and tested and saw nothing. Then, I went to have my blood drawn, and I waited to get the call to tell me my dreams for this cycle were dashed. Then, I had to wait to try again.
I went through all the waiting again for a second FET cycle, only this time, I learned. I stayed away from Google, and I didn't test. I wanted to hold on to my hope that there was a chance, and each test that came back negative destroyed that hope, so I didn't test. I waited, as patiently as i could, and then had to wait an extra day since my day 9 was on a Sunday.
That Monday, I got the best news, it was positive, and I had a good number- 166! I was thrilled! And then I realized I had to start waiting again! I had to wait until Wednesday to do my repeat draw and see if it increased and doubled. So, I waited. And the wait for that call was excruciating. I now had higher hopes and deeper dreams about what could be. I waited and counted each second, and tried to stay away from the dreaded Google. I waited and waited and tried not to panic...but your mind will do some crazy things, and you will imagine what if's like you never imagined before. And then you get your blood taken and you wait the longest wait yet....
Those minutes or hours that you are waiting are filled with every hope and fear. You are desperately hoping and praying for good news while being fearful and terrified of the potential for bad. I was so lucky on my second draw this time, I had good numbers (570). But I have seen the other side too. Today my friend got the call it wasn't doubling and barely increased. It means another miscarriage for her. She has been lucky and she had a son her first round of IVF, but this is their 3rd transfer, and out of 6 embryos, only one has made it. I am heartbroken for her. Her wait was the worst kind. The kind that didn't result in a wash of relief and joy.
As I sit here and wait until wednesday for our ultrasound to see if our little bean is still there, still growing, and has a heartbeat, I am terrified of the potential for heartbreak. And I realize that the waiting with IVF doesn't end...at least not until you deliver a healthy baby. We will always be afraid, because most of us have seen the potential for the disaster, we have witness the great let downs, the heartbreaks, the worst. But if we are lucky, we will make it to the best...to the delivery of our babies and we will celebrate that we overcame all that has tried to keep us down...and in the mean time, we wait.
Monday, October 20, 2014
Waiting It Out
I am trying to be patient while I wait for the ultrasound on the 29th. It is so very hard!! And in the mean time, I am trying not to go nuts! I get nervous! I am scared of something going wrong. But I am trying to trust God and just know it will all be ok. It is hard for me, I am a planner and like the control of knowing what is going on. This is something far from my comfort zone, but I know pregnancy will be like this, and so will being a parent. I guess this is part of my training...
As there is more to update, I will try and post, but right now, it is just waiting...and trying not to go crazy!!
As there is more to update, I will try and post, but right now, it is just waiting...and trying not to go crazy!!
Monday, October 13, 2014
Beta Day- Round Two
Today is Beta Day. I once again showed up at 6 in the morning when the lab doesn't open until 6:30. I know it opens at 6:30, but I can't sleep on Beta Day. So, I get up super early, get ready and go sit in the parking lot. Now I wait.
I went in and it is done. It was stressful this morning. They called me for my paperwork and the lady kept saying Dr. T was a new doctor in their system. I kept telling them I had been there 2 or 3 times in the last year and they managed to get him results then. They have his info, and they have Dr. C's. But she wouldn't use it for Dr. C. I was getting upset. She finally found Dr. T and then lectured me that his name was not in the system the same as the paperwork. Umm, lady, I didn't do either! I went back though, a very young lady took my blood, and I was out of there. Let the nerves begin! Off to work breakfast...at least it is a nice distraction.
I took the afternoon off from work. I think it will be good for me to get to freak out in the privacy of my own home. Because I know I will freak out. I will freak out waiting, I will freak out when I get the news (good or bad), and I will freak out some more I am sure. So, at least I am home!
OMG- the waiting is killing me! It is 2 and I am DYING!! I am really hoping Dr. T didn't call my desk phone again. I can't get in to my voicemail at work, so I really hope not!
THEY CALLED!!!
I went in and it is done. It was stressful this morning. They called me for my paperwork and the lady kept saying Dr. T was a new doctor in their system. I kept telling them I had been there 2 or 3 times in the last year and they managed to get him results then. They have his info, and they have Dr. C's. But she wouldn't use it for Dr. C. I was getting upset. She finally found Dr. T and then lectured me that his name was not in the system the same as the paperwork. Umm, lady, I didn't do either! I went back though, a very young lady took my blood, and I was out of there. Let the nerves begin! Off to work breakfast...at least it is a nice distraction.
I took the afternoon off from work. I think it will be good for me to get to freak out in the privacy of my own home. Because I know I will freak out. I will freak out waiting, I will freak out when I get the news (good or bad), and I will freak out some more I am sure. So, at least I am home!
OMG- the waiting is killing me! It is 2 and I am DYING!! I am really hoping Dr. T didn't call my desk phone again. I can't get in to my voicemail at work, so I really hope not!
THEY CALLED!!!
I answered and I was ready to cry before I even answered it. I said "Hello", and then waited...and it was a nurse! I got a little hopeful. She said they got my results in, and I said ok, and she said they were positive!!! IT WAS A POSITIVE BETA!! I started squealing, giggling, and laughing, all while crying too! She laughed at and said my level was 161 and it was really good! I was so excited. Then, she said just keep it all up and we will be ok.
I GOT A POSITIVE!!
I got up and went to the bathroom- I took a home test, so I could see what it looked like and felt like to have a pregnancy test come back positive!
It felting FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC! I loved it!
So, here is my little guy...
I am going to do whatever it takes to grow him big and strong! I cannot wait to hold him in my arms!
Wednesday, we rerun my numbers. Hopefully, they will have gone up and he will be growing more and more!!
So, they called back and my thyroid level is messed up. I am going to have to start meds tomorrow for it. I guess I get to do more blood work in my future! But needles don't phase me if it gives me my baby!!
Sunday, October 12, 2014
A Moment of Truth...Tomorrow...
Tomorrow is Beta Day- Round 2. I am crazy nervous right now! I am so on edge I can hardly make it through the day. I am hoping and praying that it will come back positive.
I have not done a home pregnancy test, and mostly stayed off of Google. Last night, I had a dream that I broke down and took one, and it was negative. I woke up, and I was so sad. I finally fell back to sleep and had almost the same dream again, only this time, it came back positive. I woke up and I was so happy, and I thought it was later in the week. Then I realized it was early Sunday morning, and I was so sad. I am hoping that it was a representation of the first transfer that was negative, and then this transfer, and it will be positive. PLEASE LORD, CAN I PLEASE BE PREGNANT!!
I have not done a home pregnancy test, and mostly stayed off of Google. Last night, I had a dream that I broke down and took one, and it was negative. I woke up, and I was so sad. I finally fell back to sleep and had almost the same dream again, only this time, it came back positive. I woke up and I was so happy, and I thought it was later in the week. Then I realized it was early Sunday morning, and I was so sad. I am hoping that it was a representation of the first transfer that was negative, and then this transfer, and it will be positive. PLEASE LORD, CAN I PLEASE BE PREGNANT!!
Friday, October 10, 2014
Awash in Calm
So, somewhere in the middle of all this waiting, an overwhelming sense of peace has washed over me. It might be denial, but it feels more like peace. I have been praying for calmness while I wait and that my beta comes back positive. Well, I feel calm. I am hoping that my beta comes back positive Monday too.
I have been thinking I will only work a half day Monday- go in after my blood draw and leave at lunch since they won't get results until about noon. Then, I can enjoy the results at home and not be a complete wreck while I wait. I am hoping my calm will last, but I know that can be blown at any second, so I am trying to be prepared. My hopes and prayers are that it will be good news and I will be celebrating!
Lord, I pray to you today and ask for continued peace, and that I am pregnant now and my little baby is growing inside me, and will continue to grow until it is time to deliver in June. Please Lord, bless me with this child. Amen!
I have been thinking I will only work a half day Monday- go in after my blood draw and leave at lunch since they won't get results until about noon. Then, I can enjoy the results at home and not be a complete wreck while I wait. I am hoping my calm will last, but I know that can be blown at any second, so I am trying to be prepared. My hopes and prayers are that it will be good news and I will be celebrating!
Lord, I pray to you today and ask for continued peace, and that I am pregnant now and my little baby is growing inside me, and will continue to grow until it is time to deliver in June. Please Lord, bless me with this child. Amen!
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
Imagine
I am having a hard time today. I am antsy and nervous, and it is still 5 more days until I will have results! UGH!
But I am really struggling with something more abstract right now. I am struggling to even imagine myself as pregnant. Or with a baby. I am hoping it is just how I am practicing some kind of self preservation, and not a sign of something bad. I just know I want to be a mom so bad, even if I can't imagine being pregnant, or having a baby. Maybe it is a good thing- maybe it means I won't be hung up on an idea of how it should be and can truly enjoy it for how it is, since it is highly unlikely I will get a second chance at it. I mean, I can imagine telling people I am pregnant, I just can't imagine myself being pregnant. Is it weird?
Until monday, I am just praying...and praying...and praying...and hoping...beyond all hope...that I will know what being pregnant is like, and I won't have to imagine a baby because in June I will hold my baby.
But I am really struggling with something more abstract right now. I am struggling to even imagine myself as pregnant. Or with a baby. I am hoping it is just how I am practicing some kind of self preservation, and not a sign of something bad. I just know I want to be a mom so bad, even if I can't imagine being pregnant, or having a baby. Maybe it is a good thing- maybe it means I won't be hung up on an idea of how it should be and can truly enjoy it for how it is, since it is highly unlikely I will get a second chance at it. I mean, I can imagine telling people I am pregnant, I just can't imagine myself being pregnant. Is it weird?
Until monday, I am just praying...and praying...and praying...and hoping...beyond all hope...that I will know what being pregnant is like, and I won't have to imagine a baby because in June I will hold my baby.
Sunday, October 5, 2014
Post Transfer Overload
OK, so I am off bed rest now. I am back to "normal but reduced" activity. I am OK with this...I think. I mean, I am not sure what "reduced" looks like...I think I am doing reduced, but maybe it is high activity compared to others, or maybe my normal is slackersville compared to others. I don't know. I just know I am not going to exercise, and not lift anything heavy. I want this to work, so i will err on the side of less is better. Jason will probably get annoyed with me! OH WELL!!
So, some random thoughts while I was on bed rest...
These are from emails to one of my friends...
"Bedrest is bad for my wallet…I just keep shopping online! UGH! Someone hide my wallet…and delete all my settings that have my CC info saved on my computer! It is so bad! But it is only money and it is giving me a little relief from going cray cray while I lay here and wait…just a few more hours and then at least I am mobile. I can do this…"
"I am off bed rest today. It was just Friday and Saturday but it was long enough for me!! Now it is just the wait. I am actually doing meditation and almost a hypnosis/positive visualization thing to try and minimize stress. Jason probably thinks I am whackadoodle and I feel like IVF has made me one crystal shy of Shannon from RHOC!! But at this point I will do almost anything!! It won't hurt anything, and I do feel less stressed so that's got to be a positive...but if I start having someone put crystals in my mouth, you have to come here and have an intervention!! Haha!! But seriously!! ☺️"
We are both fans of Real Housewives of Orange County- so that is the reference there.
So, to get in to the details of the transfer.
We left at 7:30 in the morning..it was a little tense in the car. I was bitchy and Jason was insensitive, which is not a good combo. But I just put on my headphones and listened to my relaxation/hypnosis songs (not really songs, but I don't know what to call them). I tried to focus and relax and have positive thoughts. It calmed me down, and I just thought about all the people from the Baby Fever group who were praying for this and I prayed over and over on the way there.
We pulled over to take a bathroom break, and of course, we ran in to someone we knew headed out of town too. Seriously? Ugh. A small fib about going to go shop, and we were on our way. I hate that I have to fib so much, but I also don't want acquaintances knowing all our business. Oh well.
We were back on the road, and I started drinking my water just as we were getting in to town. I had talked to the nurses and decided I was only going to drink about 20 oz of water instead of the 32 oz the paperwork said. Last time, I had to pee so much, it was awful. We were hoping this would be just enough.
As we got in to the office, we found parking, and everything was going smoothly. Jason was a little snippy when I mentioned something about what lane to be in, but I let it go. I didn't want negativity to be lingering during my transfer.
We got in the office and Dr. S, my acupuncturist was there waiting. I was signed in and we went back to the procedure room. I got undressed as I needed, and we started the acupuncture. Dr. T came in and told us the thaw went well, and we were good to go. Once the acupuncture was done, they checked my bladder and the nurse said it was "perfect" to her, and she showed Dr. T and he said great. We did the mock transfer and he said ti went great, and then they brought our little embryo in. We made the transfer and all went well. Dr. S came back in to do the post-trasnfer treatment, and then we were done. (Obviously, they went over paperwork, etc., but for all the procedure stuff, we were done.)
We got in the car and headed home. We had Chick-Fil-A for lunch- not the best option, but I wanted food (I was starving), and I heart Chick-Fil-A and the joy of it should be good for my little embryo! I wanted Smallcakes, but the fabulous icing has too much dairy and often times hurts my stomach- and I didn't want that, so I didn't ask for it!
We drove home, and let me tell you, the far back seat of the QX80 is not very comfortable for laying down in. But I slept anyways, as the valium was working. I listened to my affirmations and slept. I prayed when I was lucid, and my heart called out prayers when I wasn't. We made it home and I got in bed and slept and rested the rest of the evening.
Saturday, I woke up and moved out to the couch, it was a change and allowed Jason to sleep in some. After he got up, I went back to bed and stayed there. About lunch time, I took a little break and sat for a few minutes and shaved my legs and underarms without showering or bathing- the razor burn was bad, don't believe the whole use baby oil and you can dry shave myth...it BURNS! But it allowed me to skip the shower and not have major anxiety about the prickles! I spent the rest of the time laying down and watching TV or napping. And let's not forget, I did a lot of online shopping, as evident by my emails above!
I survived the bed rest, and now on to the waiting. Work should be full of stuff to do, so that will help. And my rule this time- NO GOOGLING and NO HPT'S- just positive thoughts that this time it will work!
Now, I am still hoping, praying and visualizing that my little embryo is hatching and implanting.
So, some random thoughts while I was on bed rest...
These are from emails to one of my friends...
"Bedrest is bad for my wallet…I just keep shopping online! UGH! Someone hide my wallet…and delete all my settings that have my CC info saved on my computer! It is so bad! But it is only money and it is giving me a little relief from going cray cray while I lay here and wait…just a few more hours and then at least I am mobile. I can do this…"
"I am off bed rest today. It was just Friday and Saturday but it was long enough for me!! Now it is just the wait. I am actually doing meditation and almost a hypnosis/positive visualization thing to try and minimize stress. Jason probably thinks I am whackadoodle and I feel like IVF has made me one crystal shy of Shannon from RHOC!! But at this point I will do almost anything!! It won't hurt anything, and I do feel less stressed so that's got to be a positive...but if I start having someone put crystals in my mouth, you have to come here and have an intervention!! Haha!! But seriously!! ☺️"
We are both fans of Real Housewives of Orange County- so that is the reference there.
So, to get in to the details of the transfer.
We left at 7:30 in the morning..it was a little tense in the car. I was bitchy and Jason was insensitive, which is not a good combo. But I just put on my headphones and listened to my relaxation/hypnosis songs (not really songs, but I don't know what to call them). I tried to focus and relax and have positive thoughts. It calmed me down, and I just thought about all the people from the Baby Fever group who were praying for this and I prayed over and over on the way there.
We pulled over to take a bathroom break, and of course, we ran in to someone we knew headed out of town too. Seriously? Ugh. A small fib about going to go shop, and we were on our way. I hate that I have to fib so much, but I also don't want acquaintances knowing all our business. Oh well.
We were back on the road, and I started drinking my water just as we were getting in to town. I had talked to the nurses and decided I was only going to drink about 20 oz of water instead of the 32 oz the paperwork said. Last time, I had to pee so much, it was awful. We were hoping this would be just enough.
As we got in to the office, we found parking, and everything was going smoothly. Jason was a little snippy when I mentioned something about what lane to be in, but I let it go. I didn't want negativity to be lingering during my transfer.
We got in the office and Dr. S, my acupuncturist was there waiting. I was signed in and we went back to the procedure room. I got undressed as I needed, and we started the acupuncture. Dr. T came in and told us the thaw went well, and we were good to go. Once the acupuncture was done, they checked my bladder and the nurse said it was "perfect" to her, and she showed Dr. T and he said great. We did the mock transfer and he said ti went great, and then they brought our little embryo in. We made the transfer and all went well. Dr. S came back in to do the post-trasnfer treatment, and then we were done. (Obviously, they went over paperwork, etc., but for all the procedure stuff, we were done.)
We got in the car and headed home. We had Chick-Fil-A for lunch- not the best option, but I wanted food (I was starving), and I heart Chick-Fil-A and the joy of it should be good for my little embryo! I wanted Smallcakes, but the fabulous icing has too much dairy and often times hurts my stomach- and I didn't want that, so I didn't ask for it!
We drove home, and let me tell you, the far back seat of the QX80 is not very comfortable for laying down in. But I slept anyways, as the valium was working. I listened to my affirmations and slept. I prayed when I was lucid, and my heart called out prayers when I wasn't. We made it home and I got in bed and slept and rested the rest of the evening.
Saturday, I woke up and moved out to the couch, it was a change and allowed Jason to sleep in some. After he got up, I went back to bed and stayed there. About lunch time, I took a little break and sat for a few minutes and shaved my legs and underarms without showering or bathing- the razor burn was bad, don't believe the whole use baby oil and you can dry shave myth...it BURNS! But it allowed me to skip the shower and not have major anxiety about the prickles! I spent the rest of the time laying down and watching TV or napping. And let's not forget, I did a lot of online shopping, as evident by my emails above!
I survived the bed rest, and now on to the waiting. Work should be full of stuff to do, so that will help. And my rule this time- NO GOOGLING and NO HPT'S- just positive thoughts that this time it will work!
Now, I am still hoping, praying and visualizing that my little embryo is hatching and implanting.
Friday, October 3, 2014
FET 2 Is In The Books
It's done. I am praying for good results and trying to make it through the bed rest...I will post more later.
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
Two More Days
We are two days out, and I am a basket case! I can't focus, I can't remember, and I feel all out of whack. Yesterday, I almost forgot to up my dosage of PIO. Today, I could have sworn it was Thursday, even though I was getting up early for my Wednesday morning meeting. I knew it was Wednesday, but I kept thinking Thursday. I am going to lose my mind if this transfer doesn't happen soon! I am so afraid of something going wrong...but I am praying it all goes right. Please God, let this all go right!
Monday, September 29, 2014
Crazy!
I am trying not to go absolutely nuts right now. It is Monday, my transfer is on Friday, and it feels so close and still so far away. I am incredibly nervous right now. I have been trying to stay calm, but it is hard. I keep having these reoccurring moments of terror that I forgot to take my meds, or change my patches, or something else like that, and now we can't move forward. I don't know why that is so terrifying to me- to have to postpone the transfer, but it is. I guess I am just afraid that it is a sign of something not meant to be, and I want so desperately to believe this baby is meant to be. He is meant to be mine, and I am meant to be a mom. I just need to have faith, take a deep breath, and try to relax. Some of those are easier than others!!
Saturday, September 27, 2014
Moving Along
I had my patch day 11 ultrasound to check my uterine lining. Everything looked good. It was triple layered (as it should be) and 12mm thick (between the 8-13mm range that is optimum), which was good to hear! I had been VERY nervous that we would encounter another hiccup. Instead, my nurse got hiccups while she was checking me out! Haha! I will take those hiccups over the ones we were having before! ANYDAY and twice on Sunday!!
So, now I am just waiting it out until the 3rd. It is going to be so hard- I am impatient by nature, and the nerves and anticipation may all just be too much! But I can make it through- I have done it before, and I can do it this time. It won't be easy, but if it works, it will be worth it!
So, now I am just waiting it out until the 3rd. It is going to be so hard- I am impatient by nature, and the nerves and anticipation may all just be too much! But I can make it through- I have done it before, and I can do it this time. It won't be easy, but if it works, it will be worth it!
Saturday, August 23, 2014
TMI and Lacking Motivation
I started my period yesterday-ish. I say "isn" because it was very light, almost spotting, but when I woke up it was gushing. TMI, I know. So, I am now a little conflicted on when to start my BC pills. I am leaning towards Monday for it because it was so light on Friday. Once I start those, I at least will feel like we are moving forward.
I am very much lacking motivation to do anything. I just want to sleep and get on with it all. I know I need to start my yoga workouts, and to maintain activity, but it is so hard. I have no motivation, I just want to sleep through it all until it is October. I know I have things to look forward to- like my birthday, my trip home to Texas, and just trying to enjoy living life, but it is hard. Really hard. I just am looking forward to the chance at being pregnant.
The transfer is tentatively set for October 3rd, which is a Friday. I like that it is Friday since it is my Friday off and I can do my bed rest on days I am normally off anyways. BUT, it is a football game night, and it may even be homecoming. All that is not cool. But I don't want to delay it. And if we do it at the same time as before, around 1pm, Jason can still work a little in the morning, and will be home in plenty of time for the game. If it is homecoming, I won't be able to meet up and take pictures, but Aaron was not happy about it last year, so I doubt he would be hurt if I didn't go this year, and we can just explain that I am sick. Plus, if we do it on the 3rd, and I get pregnant, our due date will be the day before our anniversary. I wonder if it is some kind of sign? I just am ready to try again. I need to feel like I am moving forward and not still waiting.
I had a dream last night that we had a little girl. I had been dreaming since we started that it was always boys. Now, I am a little worried. The only way we can end up with a little girl is if we have o do another cycle. I want a little girl, but I also want my little boy. I am hoping it was just a dream and not a sign...
I am very much lacking motivation to do anything. I just want to sleep and get on with it all. I know I need to start my yoga workouts, and to maintain activity, but it is so hard. I have no motivation, I just want to sleep through it all until it is October. I know I have things to look forward to- like my birthday, my trip home to Texas, and just trying to enjoy living life, but it is hard. Really hard. I just am looking forward to the chance at being pregnant.
The transfer is tentatively set for October 3rd, which is a Friday. I like that it is Friday since it is my Friday off and I can do my bed rest on days I am normally off anyways. BUT, it is a football game night, and it may even be homecoming. All that is not cool. But I don't want to delay it. And if we do it at the same time as before, around 1pm, Jason can still work a little in the morning, and will be home in plenty of time for the game. If it is homecoming, I won't be able to meet up and take pictures, but Aaron was not happy about it last year, so I doubt he would be hurt if I didn't go this year, and we can just explain that I am sick. Plus, if we do it on the 3rd, and I get pregnant, our due date will be the day before our anniversary. I wonder if it is some kind of sign? I just am ready to try again. I need to feel like I am moving forward and not still waiting.
I had a dream last night that we had a little girl. I had been dreaming since we started that it was always boys. Now, I am a little worried. The only way we can end up with a little girl is if we have o do another cycle. I want a little girl, but I also want my little boy. I am hoping it was just a dream and not a sign...
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Period...
Ok, I swear I am like a little pre-teen girl!! I am so anxious to start my period so I can get the next round going, it isn't even funny! If jumping around like a bunny rabbit would expedite this, my new nickname would be Bugs!!
Friday, August 15, 2014
BETA DAY!! Am I Ready?
6:00AM: Beta Day is here...and I am not sure how I feel about it. It's six in the morning, the lab doesn't open for 30 minutes, and I'm sitting in the parking lot… I'm so nervous now! Part of me is afraid to go in, because at least until I take the test I could be pregnant. If it comes back negative, then I know…and I am not sure I am ready for that...but if I don't go in, I won't know. Hopefully, not knowing will be worse than anything they say. I am praying for God to please answer this prayer for a positive pregnancy test!!
6:30AM: I am headed in!! My knees are shaking, and I am scared as hell, but I am going in! Please God, let me be pregnant!!
6:52AM: It's done! I am still scared! But I hope it is a good sign that my wrap is blue!!
The phlebotomist said the results should be to Dr. T by about noon...I hope and pray it is good news!!
 |
| Sitting in the car waiting for the lab to open |
6:30AM: I am headed in!! My knees are shaking, and I am scared as hell, but I am going in! Please God, let me be pregnant!!
6:52AM: It's done! I am still scared! But I hope it is a good sign that my wrap is blue!!
Sunday, August 10, 2014
Dragging By
These may be the longest 5 days of my life!! My Beta Test is Friday, and each moment of each day feels like it is dragging on so slowly. But I am hoping that my little butter bean has found a cosy place to hang out for the next 9 months. Today, I could smell smoke and Jason smoking his cigar from outside, and I never noticed it before. I am hoping that is a good sign. I feel a little tension in my lower abdomen, and I am hoping it is just further implantation...hopes and prayers for it all!
I tried my first pregnancy test today and it was negative, but it is still WAY early to test. I am going to keep testing but I also have done my research and know that even up until my beta, it is highly likely that a home pregnancy test won't come back as positive. So, I will save one or two tests for after I get a positive beta, but will probably end up testing daily until then. Hoping and praying for a positive before Beta Day though...
I tried my first pregnancy test today and it was negative, but it is still WAY early to test. I am going to keep testing but I also have done my research and know that even up until my beta, it is highly likely that a home pregnancy test won't come back as positive. So, I will save one or two tests for after I get a positive beta, but will probably end up testing daily until then. Hoping and praying for a positive before Beta Day though...
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
FINALLY!
The day has finally arrived- we go today for the FET. I cannot wait! I am ready to feel like we are really moving forward! We will head to Dr. T's about 9 a.m. so we can get there early and be ready for my acupuncture. Then, they will do the transfer and we will begin the waiting part....oh how long the waiting will seem, but it will be so worth it when it all works out! I am giddy like a little schoolgirl!! The waiting has been so hard, but it will all be worth it once I am holding my baby in my arms!!
Monday, August 4, 2014
2 More Days...
It is the Monday before our transfer. Two days from now, at this time, I will be ready and on a table, waiting for them to transfer my little butter bean in to place...
I am getting excited!! I am nervous, but mostly hopeful. As of right now, I have no reason to be anything other than optimistic, and so, I will hold on to that.
My backside is SORE. Jason has done a phenomenal job giving me my progesterone injections. I am glad he is a strong guy- they are tough to administer, and I imagine if he was struggling to push the PIO out of the syringe, I would be barking or crying... As it it, I am sore just from having thick medicine injected in my backside. I ice the area until it is numb to do the injections, and they don't hurt- I feel some pressure, but never pain. Then, J rubs it for a little while. The next day is when it is sore. But I can push through the pain. My only fear is that Jason won't be able to give me a shot one night, and I will have to do it myself. It makes me a little nervous to think about that!!
I am trying very hard to practice patience. It is HARD for me, but I am trying to distract myself. I know I will need to be good at it while I wait until my Beta test. I am already having the dilemma of doing the home pregnancy test, or not. And I am honestly not sure right now whether I will or I won't. Hopefully, Jason and I can chat about it and decide together. We will see...right now just counting down the days.
I am getting excited!! I am nervous, but mostly hopeful. As of right now, I have no reason to be anything other than optimistic, and so, I will hold on to that.
My backside is SORE. Jason has done a phenomenal job giving me my progesterone injections. I am glad he is a strong guy- they are tough to administer, and I imagine if he was struggling to push the PIO out of the syringe, I would be barking or crying... As it it, I am sore just from having thick medicine injected in my backside. I ice the area until it is numb to do the injections, and they don't hurt- I feel some pressure, but never pain. Then, J rubs it for a little while. The next day is when it is sore. But I can push through the pain. My only fear is that Jason won't be able to give me a shot one night, and I will have to do it myself. It makes me a little nervous to think about that!!
I am trying very hard to practice patience. It is HARD for me, but I am trying to distract myself. I know I will need to be good at it while I wait until my Beta test. I am already having the dilemma of doing the home pregnancy test, or not. And I am honestly not sure right now whether I will or I won't. Hopefully, Jason and I can chat about it and decide together. We will see...right now just counting down the days.
Monday, July 28, 2014
9 Days
It is 9 days until my FET...and I am an emotional wreck! Not in the "I am so nervous" kind of way, but more in the "My hormones are out of control" kind of way. And the Lupron is finally causing me some insomnia. So, not only am I emotional, but I am weirdly tired and really awake all at the same time. Is this what people on hardcore drugs are like- no thanks to any of that!!
So, 9 days out and it is just more shots and more patches. I am on 3 patches and 5 units of Lupron still. My legs are super tender. I guess after 4 months of shooting Lupron in them (and Follistim for a while too), they have hit their limits and are rebelling on me. Or at least my left leg is. I used to not bleed much and it never really "hurt"- might sting, but I was a big girl and could deal with it. Now my left left HURTS- as in bring out the ice pack it is THROBBING!! My right leg definitely feels more sensitive than before, but nowhere near as sensitive as the left. Thank goodness only a few more days of Lupron- hopefully for a really, really long time! Then on to the progesterone in oil- but at least it is more in my hip/butt and not my thighs!
So, I am seeing a lot more posts on Facebook about people being pregnant. Most are friends of friends, but it still stings a little. I am just hoping it will be my turn soon...lots of prayers for that!! Off to another acupuncture appointment now. Maybe I will write more about it soon.
So, 9 days out and it is just more shots and more patches. I am on 3 patches and 5 units of Lupron still. My legs are super tender. I guess after 4 months of shooting Lupron in them (and Follistim for a while too), they have hit their limits and are rebelling on me. Or at least my left leg is. I used to not bleed much and it never really "hurt"- might sting, but I was a big girl and could deal with it. Now my left left HURTS- as in bring out the ice pack it is THROBBING!! My right leg definitely feels more sensitive than before, but nowhere near as sensitive as the left. Thank goodness only a few more days of Lupron- hopefully for a really, really long time! Then on to the progesterone in oil- but at least it is more in my hip/butt and not my thighs!
So, I am seeing a lot more posts on Facebook about people being pregnant. Most are friends of friends, but it still stings a little. I am just hoping it will be my turn soon...lots of prayers for that!! Off to another acupuncture appointment now. Maybe I will write more about it soon.
Sunday, July 13, 2014
Countdown
I am under a month out of my FET. I am trying not to turn in to a crazy person. I am trying to just be a patient person and wait the process out. I am back to giving myself shots, and that feels “normal” and like we are finally going somewhere again on this journey. Today was my last birth control pill, hopefully ever, unless we decide to try for another. I am so ready to be pregnant, and I am so afraid that it is possible I won’t be.
I have thought more than I should about the “what-if” scenario if this doesn’t work. What do I want to do? What would J be willing to do? How much extra “stuff” do we have left- I am not sure if I can convince him to do another TESA to keep trying… Do we consider a new clinic or stay with Dr. T? There is another doctor at the same clinic we are at, so would we try working with him? It is a lot to think about and I am not sure I am ready to really think about it, but the thoughts keep creeping in.
We had our follow up with Dr. T on Friday. We drove down there and J was in a bad mood- things were not going well at the store. I hope that he thought it was worth it. We went and talked about the thaw plan. We are going to thaw our first little guy first, and the second one will be on standby for thawing if anything doesn’t look good.
We also talked about the last cycle. Dr. T didn’t have much to give me except that my left ovary doesn’t make much. The right is a normally functioning one, and he said in all likelihood, my left ovary is fine for “normal” use, but doesn’t respond well to additional stimulation. He said both times we cycled, it responded and looked fine, but just had low follicle count. Overall, he said not to worry much because we do get a healthy embryo each time with the biopsy. I cried but we all agree it must be the hormones. He thinks I am not normally that emotional...J may disagree, but in front of others, I normally keep it together. Like Dr. T said, we had to have some hard conversations during the last cycle about how many eggs we would get and I didn't cry then, so I must not be a crier. ;)
Speaking of biopsied embryos, it looks like we have about a 50% chance of getting pregnant. It may be slightly lower since we are doing a single embryo transfer, or maybe slightly higher. They don’t have enough biopsied embryo transfers to have adequate sample size to track it by single or multiple embryo transfers or by age. I will take my 50% odds- it is better than naturally conceiving, and even better than most IVF cycles.
So, now it is just a matter of giving my injections, and taking my vitamins, and just working the process. Tuesday is my next ultrasound, and we will see how it goes. Hope and prayer for the best!
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