Beta Day- Round Two

Today is Beta Day.  I once again showed up at 6 in the morning when the lab doesn't open until 6:30. I know it opens at 6:30, but I can't sleep on Beta Day.  So, I get up super early, get ready and go sit in the parking lot.  Now I wait.

I went in and it is done.  It was stressful this morning.  They called me for my paperwork and the lady kept saying Dr. T was a new doctor in their system.  I kept telling them I had been there 2 or 3 times in the last year and they managed to get him results then.  They have his info, and they have Dr. C's.  But she wouldn't use it for Dr. C.  I was getting upset.  She finally found Dr. T and then lectured me that his name was not in the system the same as the paperwork.  Umm, lady, I didn't do either!  I went back though, a very young lady took my blood, and I was out of there.  Let the nerves begin!  Off to work breakfast...at least it is a nice distraction.

I took the afternoon off from work.  I think it will be good for me to get to freak out in the privacy of my own home.  Because I know I will freak out.  I will freak out waiting, I will freak out when I get the news (good or bad), and I will freak out some more I am sure.  So, at least I am home!

OMG- the waiting is killing me!  It is 2 and I am DYING!!  I am really hoping Dr. T didn't call my desk phone again.  I can't get in to my voicemail at work, so I really hope not!

THEY CALLED!!!

I answered and I was ready to cry before I even answered it.  I said "Hello", and then waited...and it was a nurse!  I got a little hopeful.  She said they got my results in, and I said ok, and she said they were positive!!!  IT WAS A POSITIVE BETA!! I started squealing, giggling, and laughing, all while crying too!  She laughed at and said my level was 161 and it was really good!  I was so excited.  Then, she said just keep it all up and we will be ok. 

I GOT A POSITIVE!! 

I got up and went to the bathroom- I took a home test, so I could see what it looked like and felt like to have a pregnancy test come back positive!

It felting FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC! I loved it!  

So, here is my little guy...

I am going to do whatever it takes to grow him big and strong!  I cannot wait to hold him in my arms!  

Wednesday, we rerun my numbers.  Hopefully, they will have gone up and he will be growing more and more!!

So, they called back and my thyroid level is messed up.  I am going to have to start meds tomorrow for it.  I guess I get to do more blood work in my future!  But needles don't phase me if it gives me my baby!!

A Moment of Truth...Tomorrow...

Tomorrow is Beta Day- Round 2.  I am crazy nervous right now!  I am so on edge I can hardly make it through the day.  I am hoping and praying that it will come back positive.

I have not done a home pregnancy test, and mostly stayed off of Google.  Last night, I had a dream that I broke down and took one, and it was negative.  I woke up, and I was so sad.  I finally fell back to sleep and had almost the same dream again, only this time, it came back positive.  I woke up and I was so happy, and I thought it was later in the week.  Then I realized it was early Sunday morning, and I was so sad.  I am hoping that it was a representation of the first transfer that was negative, and then this transfer, and it will be positive.  PLEASE LORD, CAN I PLEASE BE PREGNANT!!

Awash in Calm

So, somewhere in the middle of all this waiting, an overwhelming sense of peace has washed over me.  It might be denial, but it feels more like peace.  I have been praying for calmness while I wait and that my beta comes back positive.  Well, I feel calm.  I am hoping that my beta comes back positive Monday too.

I have been thinking I will only work a half day Monday- go in after my blood draw and leave at lunch since they won't get results until about noon.  Then, I can enjoy the results at home and not be a complete wreck while I wait.  I am hoping my calm will last, but I know that can be blown at any second, so I am trying to be prepared.  My hopes and prayers are that it will be good news and I will be celebrating!

Lord, I pray to you today and ask for continued peace, and that I am pregnant now and my little baby is growing inside me, and will continue to grow until it is time to deliver in June.  Please Lord, bless me with this child.  Amen!

Imagine

I am having a hard time today.  I am antsy and nervous, and it is still 5 more days until I will have results!  UGH!

But I am really struggling with something more abstract right now.  I am struggling to even imagine myself as pregnant. Or with a baby.  I am hoping it is just how I am practicing some kind of self preservation, and not a sign of something bad.  I just know I want to be a mom so bad, even if I can't imagine being pregnant, or having a baby.  Maybe it is a good thing- maybe it means I won't be hung up on an idea of how it should be and can truly enjoy it for how it is, since it is highly unlikely I will get a second chance at it.  I mean, I can imagine telling people I am pregnant, I just can't imagine myself being pregnant.  Is it weird?

Until monday, I am just praying...and praying...and praying...and hoping...beyond all hope...that I will know what being pregnant is like, and I won't have to imagine a baby because in June I will hold my baby.

TMI & Crazy- Not a Good Combo!

I am trying not to stress.  I am trying not to go nuts.  I am trying not to Google.  These are hard things.  Very hard.  Last night, I couldn't help myself and I googled...it is really TMI...but here is it (you have been warned and can look away)...how can you tell if it is implantation cramping or constipation.  I had some cramps and needed to poop, but they continued after I went.  I think it was a poop issue.  I wanted confirmation.  I am not sure, but I think I feel better thinking it was poop. I don't want to hang on to every what if and maybe and then be crushed if it isn't.

Today is the day implantation is supposed to be complete.  I am hoping and praying my little baby is hanging on tight in there and that I will get good news on Monday.  I am trying hard not to go crazy and stay relaxed...so I am listening to my "Affirmations: Post Embryo Transfer" on repeat almost all day at work.  I am not sure how crazy I would be if I weren't but I am sure it would be worse.

God- please, I am praying to you with every particle of my being, that this is my time, that my baby is growing in me, and I will deliver a healthy, happy baby in June.  AMEN!!

Post Transfer Overload

OK, so I am off bed rest now.  I am back to "normal but reduced" activity.  I am OK with this...I think.  I mean, I am not sure what "reduced" looks like...I think I am doing reduced, but maybe it is high activity compared to others, or maybe my normal is slackersville compared to others.  I don't know.  I just know I am not going to exercise, and not lift anything heavy.  I want this to work, so i will err on the side of less is better.  Jason will probably get annoyed with me!  OH WELL!!

So, some random thoughts while I was on bed rest...

These are from emails to one of my friends...

"Bedrest is bad for my wallet…I just keep shopping online!  UGH! Someone hide my wallet…and delete all my settings that have my CC info saved on my computer!  It is so bad! But it is only money and it is giving me a little relief from going cray cray while I lay here and wait…just a few more hours and then at least I am mobile.  I can do this…"

"I am off bed rest today. It was just Friday and Saturday but it was long enough for me!! Now it is just the wait. I am actually doing meditation and almost a hypnosis/positive visualization thing to try and minimize stress. Jason probably thinks I am whackadoodle and I feel like IVF has made me one crystal shy of Shannon from RHOC!! But at this point I will do almost anything!! It won't hurt anything, and I do feel less stressed so that's got to be a positive...but if I start having someone put crystals in my mouth, you have to come here and have an intervention!! Haha!! But seriously!! ☺️"

We are both fans of Real Housewives of Orange County- so that is the reference there.  

So, to get in to the details of the transfer.

We left at 7:30 in the morning..it was a little tense in the car.  I was bitchy and Jason was insensitive, which is not a good combo.  But I just put on my headphones and listened to my relaxation/hypnosis songs (not really songs, but I don't know what to call them).  I tried to focus and relax and have positive thoughts.  It calmed me down, and I just thought about all the people from the Baby Fever group who were praying for this and I prayed over and over on the way there.

We pulled over to take a bathroom break, and of course, we ran in to someone we knew headed out of town too.  Seriously?  Ugh.  A small fib about going to go shop, and we were on our way.  I hate that I have to fib so much, but I also don't want acquaintances knowing all our business.  Oh well.

We were back on the road, and I started drinking my water just as we were getting in to town.  I had talked to the nurses and decided I was only going to drink about 20 oz of water instead of the 32 oz the paperwork said.  Last time, I had to pee so much, it was awful.  We were hoping this would be just enough.

As we got in to the office, we found parking, and everything was going smoothly.  Jason was a little snippy when I mentioned something about what lane to be in, but I let it go.  I didn't want negativity to be lingering during my transfer.

We got in the office and Dr. S, my acupuncturist was there waiting.  I was signed in and we went back to the procedure room.  I got undressed as I needed, and we started the acupuncture.  Dr. T came in and told us the thaw went well, and we were good to go.  Once the acupuncture was done, they checked my bladder and the nurse said it was "perfect" to her, and she showed Dr. T and he said great.  We did the mock transfer and he said ti went great, and then they brought our little embryo in. We made the transfer and all went well.  Dr. S came back in to do the post-trasnfer treatment, and then we were done.  (Obviously, they went over paperwork, etc., but for all the procedure stuff, we were done.)

We got in the car and headed home.  We had Chick-Fil-A for lunch- not the best option, but I wanted food (I was starving), and I heart Chick-Fil-A and the joy of it should be good for my little embryo!  I wanted Smallcakes, but the fabulous icing has too much dairy and often times hurts my stomach- and I didn't want that, so I didn't ask for it!

We drove home, and let me tell you, the far back seat of the QX80 is not very comfortable for laying down in.  But I slept anyways, as the valium was working.  I listened to my affirmations and slept.  I prayed when I was lucid, and my heart called out prayers when I wasn't.  We made it home and I got in bed and slept and rested the rest of the evening.

Saturday, I woke up and moved out to the couch, it was a change and allowed Jason to sleep in some. After he got up, I went back to bed and stayed there.  About lunch time, I took a little break and sat for a few minutes and shaved my legs and underarms without showering or bathing- the razor burn was bad, don't believe the whole use baby oil and you can dry shave myth...it BURNS!  But it allowed me to skip the shower and not have major anxiety about the prickles!  I spent the rest of the time laying down and watching TV or napping.  And let's not forget, I did a lot of online shopping, as evident by my emails above!

I survived the bed rest, and now on to the waiting.  Work should be full of stuff to do, so that will help. And my rule this time- NO GOOGLING and NO HPT'S- just positive thoughts that this time it will work!

Now, I am still hoping, praying and visualizing that my little embryo is hatching and implanting.

FET 2 Is In The Books

It's done.  I am praying for good results and trying to make it through the bed rest...I will post more later.

Two More Days

We are two days out, and I am a basket case!  I can't focus, I can't remember, and I feel all out of whack.  Yesterday, I almost forgot to up my dosage of PIO.  Today, I could have sworn it was Thursday, even though I was getting up early for my Wednesday morning meeting.  I knew it was Wednesday, but I kept thinking Thursday.  I am going to lose my mind if this transfer doesn't happen soon!  I am so afraid of something going wrong...but I am praying it all goes right.  Please God, let this all go right!

Crazy!

I am trying not to go absolutely nuts right now.  It is Monday, my transfer is on Friday, and it feels so close and still so far away.  I am incredibly nervous right now.  I have been trying to stay calm, but it is hard.  I keep having these reoccurring moments of terror that I forgot to take my meds, or change my patches, or something else like that, and now we can't move forward.  I don't know why that is so terrifying to me- to have to postpone the transfer, but it is.  I guess I am just afraid that it is a sign of something not meant to be, and I want so desperately to believe this baby is meant to be.  He is meant to be mine, and I am meant to be a mom.  I just need to have faith, take a deep breath, and try to relax.  Some of those are easier than others!!

Moving Along

I had my patch day 11 ultrasound to check my uterine lining.  Everything looked good.  It was triple layered (as it should be) and 12mm thick (between the 8-13mm range that is optimum), which was good to hear!  I had been VERY nervous that we would encounter another hiccup.  Instead, my nurse got hiccups while she was checking me out!  Haha!  I will take those hiccups over the ones we were having before!  ANYDAY and twice on Sunday!!

So, now I am just waiting it out until the 3rd.  It is going to be so hard- I am impatient by nature, and the nerves and anticipation may all just be too much!  But I can make it through- I have done it before, and I can do it this time.  It won't be easy, but if it works, it will be worth it!

It's All About Numbers

So, one thing that you might hear (sometimes a lot) in the IVF game, is that it is all about the numbers.  So here are some of my numbers…and this is only until today…we still have more to do before our transfer!

Days since we started this IVF journey: 259

For Jason (he has completed 1 TESA)

Doctor’s appointments: 2

Medical procedures: 1

Blood draws: 1

For Jessica (2 rounds of IVF (no fresh transfers), 2 embryo genetic testing, 1+ FET (we are mid-way through our second FET))

Doctor’s Appointments: 23 (just for my RE, not including others)

Doctor’s Appointments that had no point (follow ups and consults): 3

Medical procedures: 6

Ultrasounds: 19

Shots injected: 154 (not including tonight’s injection)

Blood draws: 17

Eggs retrieved: 15

Eggs fertilized: 9

Embryos biopsied: 2

Embryos genetically normal: 2

Acupuncture appointments: 10 (started prior to first FET)

Our Dollars spent: $24,310*

Insurance Dollars Spent: $12,700

*- does not count acupuncture costs (not covered by my insurance), add another $956 to date on it, with another $458 to go…

Pregnancies: 0

It’s the last number that hurts the most…and it is the one I am most anxious to see change!!

Another Hiccup...

Well, I had another hystroscopy yesterday.  Everything looked good- the polyps were all gone!  Woohoo!!  But, while Dr. C was looking around, he saw what looked like a follicle on my left ovary.  So off for bloodwork I went.  Depending on what that said, I would know whether or not to proceed with my patches that started today.  I was a nervous wreck.  I know God is bigger than anything my body can come up with, but it was so hard to have to wait and see...luckily, they called me when I was driving home, and everything was OK.  I mean, seriously, I only make a couple of follicles when I am on the stims, and yet when I am on the lupron, that is supposed to suppress everything, I still make 1??  UGH!  But it is not affecting anything right now, so I guess that is all ok.  Just typical of this whole process for us!

I started my first patch today.  I am trying to be good and avoid all caffeine I can.  I did have a Chick-fil-A sweet tea yesterday.  Which is OK-I am technically allowed up to 150 mg a day, but have tried to eliminate all that I can.  The caffeine in chocolate is about all I am having, and most of it is milk, so it is pretty low.

So, I have been in a weird emotional place lately.  Both boys have made comments lately about wanting a little sister. It kills me knowing that we so desperately wanted a girl, and got boy embryos. I just am hoping that they come around to a little brother just the same.  And if it doesn't work this time, I am going to be praying again for a girl.

I don't know what God is trying to teach me lately, but I am just trying to listen, to have faith, and to be patient.  It is hard, the whole journey has been hard, but it will all be worth it!

A Little Hiccup

So, I had my hysteroscopy on Monday.  I was supposed to have my baseline appointment today.  I went in, and of course, I got there early.  They took me back and I sat there for a while, and waited while Dr. C finished up another procedure.  I was seeing Dr. C because Dr. T was out of town, and I needed to get it done before Dr. T would be back. 

 

Dr. C finally came in (I had to wait a while, but oh well, I understand, and when I am having a procedure and need extra time, I want them giving it to me!), and we chatted and started.  He said I wouldn’t need to come in for another baseline because it wasn’t going to change enough in 2.5 days to make it worth another trip down- woohoo!  Save me some vacation or sick leave.  Then, as he got in to my uterus, we saw them…thin, fingerlike, little polyps.  Uh-oh!  I got concerned.  He said not to be.  But that he wanted me to come back in after I start my period.  He thinks they are just little piece of my lining and will come out with my period, and if not, he said they are small, so I can have them removed and it shouldn’t affect my transfer.  I am still nervous.  But I did realize I like seeing Dr. C.  He is pretty straightforward, and that makes me feel calmer about it all than Dr. T’s lack of details at times.  I can make it through if I have all the info, I can process and deal with it.  But the “what ifs” and “not so sures” are scary.  And I think Dr. T does it to try and prevent worry, but in someone like me, I want to know the best, worst, and most likely cases.  I am an engineer…this is the life I live in, and if I know what my ends are and what is likely, I can make it through.  So, I think if we have to do another round after this one, I will likely try and switch to Dr. C.  I am hoping I won’t have to though.  I am hoping that this one will work.  And I will see how I feel about it all after Monday, when I go in for my next hysteroscopy…

FET- ROUND 2

So, FET- ROUND 2 is officially underway.  I started on my birth control pills yesterday night.  Since I started my period so late in the day Friday and was really light early, I decided to start it at night.  I don't know if it matters, but it made sense in my head.

I set up my baseline ultrasound and my hysteroscopy. Neither is pleasant, but they are necessary.  I want them to make sure my uterus is in tip-top shape for the next transfer.    I also ordered my meds, and so now it is in the early slow stages.  But the scheduling all worked out well, and hopefully, if everything looks good, I will only miss about 1/2 day of work.

I am having the struggle of to share the news or not to, and I am not sure.  One of my friends who knows said maybe wait to see if it works, and then, if not, before the next cycle, fess up and get the prayers and support if it doesn't work this time (since that will be going in to cycle 3...the last hurrah before looking at other options).  Makes sense.  That way I can super surprise my family if it works out, and if not, I can get their support for the next try at it.  I just really hope this one works.  I do.  I pray it does.  So much!

TMI and Lacking Motivation

I started my period yesterday-ish.  I say "isn" because it was very light, almost spotting, but when I woke up it was gushing.  TMI, I know.  So, I am now a little conflicted on when to start my BC pills. I am leaning towards Monday for it because it was so light on Friday.  Once I start those, I at least will feel like we are moving forward.

I am very much lacking motivation to do anything.  I just want to sleep and get on with it all.  I know I need to start my yoga workouts, and to maintain activity, but it is so hard.  I have no motivation, I just want to sleep through it all until it is October.  I know I have things to look forward to- like my birthday, my trip home to Texas, and just trying to enjoy living life, but it is hard.  Really hard.  I just am looking forward to the chance at being pregnant.

The transfer is tentatively set for October 3rd, which is a Friday.  I like that it is Friday since it is my Friday off and I can do my bed rest on days I am normally off anyways.  BUT, it is a football game night, and it may even be homecoming.  All that is not cool.  But I don't want to delay it.  And if we do it at the same time as before, around 1pm, Jason can still work a little in the morning, and will be home in plenty of time for the game.  If it is homecoming, I won't be able to meet up and take pictures, but Aaron was not happy about it last year, so I doubt he would be hurt if I didn't go this year, and we can just explain that I am sick.  Plus, if we do it on the 3rd, and I get pregnant, our due date will be the day before our anniversary.  I wonder if it is some kind of sign?  I just am ready to try again.  I need to feel like I am moving forward and not still waiting.

I had a dream last night that we had a little girl.  I had been dreaming since we started that it was always boys.  Now, I am a little worried.  The only way we can end up with a little girl is if we have o do another cycle.  I want a little girl, but I also want my little boy.  I am hoping it was just a dream and not a sign...