It's All About Numbers

So, one thing that you might hear (sometimes a lot) in the IVF game, is that it is all about the numbers.  So here are some of my numbers…and this is only until today…we still have more to do before our transfer!

Days since we started this IVF journey: 259

For Jason (he has completed 1 TESA)

Doctor’s appointments: 2

Medical procedures: 1

Blood draws: 1

For Jessica (2 rounds of IVF (no fresh transfers), 2 embryo genetic testing, 1+ FET (we are mid-way through our second FET))

Doctor’s Appointments: 23 (just for my RE, not including others)

Doctor’s Appointments that had no point (follow ups and consults): 3

Medical procedures: 6

Ultrasounds: 19

Shots injected: 154 (not including tonight’s injection)

Blood draws: 17

Eggs retrieved: 15

Eggs fertilized: 9

Embryos biopsied: 2

Embryos genetically normal: 2

Acupuncture appointments: 10 (started prior to first FET)

Our Dollars spent: $24,310*

Insurance Dollars Spent: $12,700

*- does not count acupuncture costs (not covered by my insurance), add another $956 to date on it, with another $458 to go…

Pregnancies: 0

It’s the last number that hurts the most…and it is the one I am most anxious to see change!!

Make My Uterus Your Home!!

It has been a couple of days since our FET.  I couldn't write much while I was on my "bed rest" because I was trying to stay calm and relaxed, and I wasn't supposed to be sitting up in bed, which makes it hard to type!

So, on Wednesday morning, I got up and got ready.  Jason and I drove down to the clinic and I started to get very nervous.  So, of course, we bickered a little as we hit the traffic due to the construction around the hospital.  I hate that I fought with him as we went in for our appointment.  I hate that instead of just being happy, we had mean words for each other.  But I know he loves me, and he knows I was nervous, so we are well past it.  It just makes me a little sad to think about it.  I understand it, the stress is so high by that point, but it just sucks, you know?

About an hour before my treatment, I was supposed to drink 32 ounces of water.  CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?  I have possibly the smallest bladder ever and process water at about the speed of light...this was going to be a disaster!

Anyways, we went in and met with the acupuncturist.  Dr. J gave me my pre-transfer treatment.  At this point I am starting to feel squirmy from having to pee.

Dr. T came in and told me the thaw went well.  My little guy was a champ- he thawed out and even started to expand and hatch- all good signs!!

After we talked about the embryo, they asked about my bladder.  I said I was definitely feeling it now, and asked how long it would be until I could pee so I would know if I could make it.  She said 45 minutes to an hour, and I said I didn't know if I could make it.  My nurse checked my bladder with the ultrasound and says "Oh my!  You DO have to go!" and so she let me go and pee for 10 seconds.  I came back and she asked if I feel better, I said a little.  Dr. T looked at my bladder again and said, "Go again, this time maybe for 5 seconds."  So, I did it again.  I came back and he still thought I was pretty full, but I said if it will help, I can suffer it out!

We did the mock transfer and it went well.  They loaded the embryo in the catheter, and transferred it!  Now my little butter bean is in my uterus looking for a comfy spot to implant and grow in to my baby boy!!

Here is my little boy!!  He was working hard to continue growing and hatch out of his outer shell!

After the transfer, Dr. J came in and did my second treatment.  About the time my bladder was going to either explode or I was going to pee myself, it was time to go pee!  Thank goodness!  After I peed, I got dressed, we loaded up, and drove home.  Jason stopped by Whole Foods (a luxury we don't have at home) and we ran by Smallcakes and got me a cupcake to celebrate.  I also peed again.  :o)

The drive home I slept most of the way.  It was easier than thinking about it all.  Once we got home, I got in to bed, and stayed there as much as I could for the rest of the day and the next day.

Friday was back to a light duty day.  It was hard to stay off of Google trying to find out when to take the home pregnancy tests.  I wasn't going to take one, but I realized, that is not my style- haha!  I need to know, I need to feel some level of control, some level of comfort in knowing I am doing something.  I won't feel discouraged until Beta Day if they come back negative, because it could just be my levels are hard to pick up and may be diluted in my urine.  And since we did an eSET (elective single embryo transfer) my hCG levels may not be high enough until Beta Day because I will only have one little guy in there!  So, I will be optimistic until my nurse tells me otherwise.  But I am also praying I get a positive test early!  Hopes and prayers are always on my mind, and I am headed to the dollar store to get some HPTs to start testing tomorrow and monitor my progress (hopefully it will be good news next time I am on the blog!)!!!

A Lonely Only

We got the news that only one embryo made it to biopsy.  I am a little disappointed but trying to remain optimistic…afterall, one is better than none!  Now I am hoping and praying for a genetically normal embryo!  Not much to update on because I am just kind of empty with that news, and it is just the waiting game.  I had a dream the other night after the last update, and in my dream we only got one.  I didn’t want to think or talk about it because I was hoping for better, but even after I woke up, I still felt oddly at peace with it.  Maybe that is the sign that this is it…that it is my baby.

Making a Baby

I called in for the fertilization report...and we have 3 fertilized eggs.  I was a little crushed by it.  I was at work, so I tried not to think about it too much.  I just had hoped for more.  I am really worried about the attrition rate of them, and whether or not we will have any make it.  Today is a tough day.  I will have my pity party today, then back to cautiously optimistic tomorrow.  Prayers will be said...ALOT.  I did talk to one of my nurses, and she told me I can call in on Monday for an update on the little embryos.  2 of them looked to fertilize and do nothing, and one totally broke apart, so maybe by Monday we will see some activity out of the 2...and hopefully, those 3 will still be growing strong!!

On a side note, I talked to the IVF coordinator, and got the transfer set up.  August 6th is my day.  I am excited, but nervous too.  And a little nervous about the progesterone in oil shots...those are some BIG needles!!

More to come.

Pulling The Trigger...again

Today is trigger shot day.  I wish I could say I was excited.  But I am not even excited.  I am just nervous.  Anxious.  Disappointed.  Dr. T doesn't seem very optimistic about any of it right now.  It makes me pretty down about it.  Add to it J's general lack of interest at this point, and I am pretty upset.  I know why he isn't interested too- we have his boys this week during the summer custody schedule.  I told him before to make sure his ex-wife got the 1st week of summer, but he didn't do it.  Now he can't be bothered with me and all this.  And it is breaking my heart.  It really does hurt me.  He can't even seem to fake it.  There are lots of times I am not 100% interested in things other people are, but I fake it because that person is important to me, and I want them to feel important, and my interest in their interests, or what is happening in their lives, is part of what shows they are important to me.  J can't even act interested in this retrieval.  Lately, when I bring it up, he just acts like I am reading from a phone book.  And I get it, the boys could walk in and overhear something, so he just has to be nondescript, and not act all excited.  And maybe this is his way of lessening the disappointment if this doesn't work out.  But it still hurts me.  When you add to that hurt all of my disappointment that this cycle has brought so far, and it is almost more than I can take.

I wasn't prepared for this IVF journey.  I wasn't prepared for this to be so rough.  This was supposed to be simply because J had a vasectomy.  I wasn't supposed to be an issue.  We did all the tests, and everything came back as normal, Dr. T said he thought we would have excellent results because I was younger, healthy, and had good test results, no apparent reason we shouldn't have success.  And now we are struggling.  My follicle count was low, lower than last round, and it was a battle to get them to grow.  It makes me nervous that this may be a waste, that we won't get our baby.  And it breaks my heart because at the end of the day, J has two kids.  He is a dad, regardless of how this turns out.  But me, my only chance to be a mom is tied up in this.  I know there is adoption, but I am not sure I truly believe J is ready for that.  I don't think he understands how to truly love a child that doesn't share his biology.  Yes, he may come around to it, but he mentioned before he didn't know if he could be a step dad.  I think it is mostly in the sharing aspect, but there is a part of me that is fearful it is because he can't love a child that is not biologically his.  A long time back, I saw a special on donor kids- children that were born using donor sperm or eggs, or both.  The marriages of couples who used donor sperm did not last.  Most broke up, and most of the women talked about the man not having an appropriate bond with the child.  Women who carried the child made from donor eggs didn't face the same issues, as they bonded not through the biology, but through the gestation.  It definitely made me think.  But I always thought it would be J's sperm that might be the issue because his vasectomy was so long ago.  Instead it is me...I am failing at the one thing I wanted most...

But I am going to try and pick my head up.  Hold it up.  I am giving my trigger shot (1cc of dilutant to 1 vial of Novarel) tonight.  11 pm on the dot!  That will start a reaction in me that will finalize the maturation of my eggs, and prep them for ovulation.  Thursday, they will retrieve them, and between now and then, I will just pray that quality is going to be better and that quantity won't matter because I will have good eggs that will fertilize, grow, and be ready for transfer when it is time for our FET.  I just have to keep up my hope and faith.  We just need one to take...so it is time to pull the trigger, hope for the best, and then go to bed and dream of my baby being mine!

Round Two

I need a place to put my thoughts down as we go through this journey…again.

 

I have wanted this for years.  I have prayed and prayed and prayed again.  I still do.  J only wants a little girl, since he already had 2 boys.  And I get it.  I do.  I want a little girl too.  I want a little girl to do little girl things with.  I desperately do.  But I want a baby more.  Round two…here we go.

 

Round one started in January with the initial consults, the exams.  By mid-March, we were underway, and J was being “harvested”.  Luckily, he still had lots of swimmers and they were all in good shape!  Not bad for almost 12 years post snip-snip.  The pressure was on me!  So, I started my piece at the end of March.  Poke, poke, poke, injection after injection, I diligently pursued my goal of becoming a babymaking machine.  By mid-April, I was a pro, and we were ready to retrieve my eggs.  We were hoping for 9 eggs, got 8 actual eggs, and 7 were mature enough to fertilize.  6 of the eggs made magic and then it was time to wait…for 5 whole days.  After the 5 days of waiting, only one little embryo was left.  I was devastated.  J was confident.  He said, “It is God’s plan”, and told me to relax.  We sent the sample off to be biopsied. J was confident it was a “normal” girl.  The results all come in as normal or abnormal, and are based on the right number of chromosomes.  We got the results back and it was a normal boy.  J almost didn’t believe me.  I was sad, but I would have done it anyways.  But J and I got to talking about it, and with my age (I am 32), and the concern about my egg quality (since so many failed to grow), we have decided to try one more time, and try and “bank” some more embryos just in case it takes more than one transfer to get there.  We are hoping for girls, but I will take a boy, or a monkey, for all I care!  I guess, if we have better “luck” or embryos this time, we will try for girls first, and save any boys, but I keep wondering in the back of my mind if J shouldn’t have been born a king, or in a country where an heir has to be male.  He is a male-making man!  Please God, just give make a girl happen…I just want a girl to make our family a little different than the “1^st” one.  I just want to give us a little something different.  So, tomorrow we start round two…

 

Here is a brief thought I wrote down a few days ago...right before we got the news on our "lonely only" embryo...

 

So, the last couple of nights I have had a dream that the embryo is fine, but it is a boy. Now, I am almost certain that we will have one embryo, but it will be a boy. I don't know whether I feel better or worse about it. I know Jason really wants a girl, and I would be willing to go through one more cycle before transferring it just to try and get more embryos so if it doesn't work the first time, we have a back-up, but I am scared that we will go through it all twice and still only end up with boys, and I don't know if I could get over it if he didn't want to have a boy then. Like, we gave it our best effort, but clearly you are only meant to have boys...and I just wonder whether he would really say no if we went through it twice and only ended up with boys...I desperately hope it is a girl, so I won't have to know.