Eggs, Sunnyside Up!

Today was egg retrieval day...and I was a nervous wreck going in to this! I didn't have a great feeling about it because I had so few follicles growing and they were growing SLOW! Dr. Thompson told me at one point we were shooting for 4 eggs because I only had 5 follicles. I was disappointed to say the least.

J drove me to the office, and waited with me. And we waited and waited and waited. The anesthesiologist was late. About 30 minutes late. As I sat there in the procedure room with J, I just kept praying. Praying for eggs. Praying for healthy eggs. But I would get scared and sad and J would cheer me up.

Well, they finally got an anesthesiologist down there and once he showed up, things started moving quickly. They rushed J off and put me out and got to work. AND WE GOT 7 EGGS!!! Woohoo! Tomorrow I call in the check how many fertilized. I am hoping and praying for all, or as close to it as we can get! I hate the waiting, but it will give me more time to pray for good results...We will know soon!!

I am continuing to pray!! We are one day closer until my baby is in my arms!

Pulling The Trigger...again

Today is trigger shot day.  I wish I could say I was excited.  But I am not even excited.  I am just nervous.  Anxious.  Disappointed.  Dr. T doesn't seem very optimistic about any of it right now.  It makes me pretty down about it.  Add to it J's general lack of interest at this point, and I am pretty upset.  I know why he isn't interested too- we have his boys this week during the summer custody schedule.  I told him before to make sure his ex-wife got the 1st week of summer, but he didn't do it.  Now he can't be bothered with me and all this.  And it is breaking my heart.  It really does hurt me.  He can't even seem to fake it.  There are lots of times I am not 100% interested in things other people are, but I fake it because that person is important to me, and I want them to feel important, and my interest in their interests, or what is happening in their lives, is part of what shows they are important to me.  J can't even act interested in this retrieval.  Lately, when I bring it up, he just acts like I am reading from a phone book.  And I get it, the boys could walk in and overhear something, so he just has to be nondescript, and not act all excited.  And maybe this is his way of lessening the disappointment if this doesn't work out.  But it still hurts me.  When you add to that hurt all of my disappointment that this cycle has brought so far, and it is almost more than I can take.

I wasn't prepared for this IVF journey.  I wasn't prepared for this to be so rough.  This was supposed to be simply because J had a vasectomy.  I wasn't supposed to be an issue.  We did all the tests, and everything came back as normal, Dr. T said he thought we would have excellent results because I was younger, healthy, and had good test results, no apparent reason we shouldn't have success.  And now we are struggling.  My follicle count was low, lower than last round, and it was a battle to get them to grow.  It makes me nervous that this may be a waste, that we won't get our baby.  And it breaks my heart because at the end of the day, J has two kids.  He is a dad, regardless of how this turns out.  But me, my only chance to be a mom is tied up in this.  I know there is adoption, but I am not sure I truly believe J is ready for that.  I don't think he understands how to truly love a child that doesn't share his biology.  Yes, he may come around to it, but he mentioned before he didn't know if he could be a step dad.  I think it is mostly in the sharing aspect, but there is a part of me that is fearful it is because he can't love a child that is not biologically his.  A long time back, I saw a special on donor kids- children that were born using donor sperm or eggs, or both.  The marriages of couples who used donor sperm did not last.  Most broke up, and most of the women talked about the man not having an appropriate bond with the child.  Women who carried the child made from donor eggs didn't face the same issues, as they bonded not through the biology, but through the gestation.  It definitely made me think.  But I always thought it would be J's sperm that might be the issue because his vasectomy was so long ago.  Instead it is me...I am failing at the one thing I wanted most...

But I am going to try and pick my head up.  Hold it up.  I am giving my trigger shot (1cc of dilutant to 1 vial of Novarel) tonight.  11 pm on the dot!  That will start a reaction in me that will finalize the maturation of my eggs, and prep them for ovulation.  Thursday, they will retrieve them, and between now and then, I will just pray that quality is going to be better and that quantity won't matter because I will have good eggs that will fertilize, grow, and be ready for transfer when it is time for our FET.  I just have to keep up my hope and faith.  We just need one to take...so it is time to pull the trigger, hope for the best, and then go to bed and dream of my baby being mine!

Raging Sadness

I am trying very hard not to be raging angry right now.  I am already devastated.  I went to my ultrasound today and things are not looking good.  We are down to 5 embryos.  I am not progressing very well.  The retrieval may be Thursday now.  We started at trying for Tuesday, then Wednesday, and now we are likely at Thursday.  I am super depressed.  My only hope I am hanging on to is that this one is so different, so maybe the results will be different and be better?  But today, I lost a lot of that hope.  Dr. T talked to me about the numbers.  How with 5 follicles, we might only get 4 eggs.  And with 4 eggs, we might only have 3 fertilize (that is half of what we had last time).  And with 3 fertilized eggs, we might be lucky if we get 1-2 to blast stage for biopsy.  And if we get those to biopsy, they still may not be genetically "normal".  I feel like I am grasping at straws.  It sounds like he was ready to cancel the cycle.  And I am devastated.  And I am trying my hardest not to be raging mad at J.

I am trying so hard.  I want to yell and scream and throw things at him.  It is probably a good thing he isn't here.  It started last night with him making a comment about how I should be enjoying this vacation- because I am not having to get up early with the dogs and don't have to do housework.  Are you kidding me?  Because it is so fun to get up, rush to an ultrasound appointment in the morning, have your hooha out for the world to see, poke and wand, all to get told things are going as well as we hope.  Then, I get to poke myself 3 times a day, and have a lab tech do it once or twice a day too.  Once again, to get told things are looking so good.  It is a  FUCKING DREAM VACATION, yeah, sure!

Then, I am raging mad because he kept wanting to wait.  He made me wait and wait to get married in the first place.  Then, I had to wait a year to even bring it up again, wanting to have a baby.  And he said NO, he didn't want one at all.  So, I prayed for over a year that he would change his mind EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT.  Every one!  And he finally did.  But then, we had to wait because he was following his dream, so mine had to be put on hold a little longer.  And really, what difference would it make to wait a little longer.  A HUGE FUCKING DIFFERENCE!  Now, I am struggling to even produce enough eggs!  And maybe it wouldn't have been different, but I know my eggs would have been younger.  I would statically have better chances.  And I AM SO MAD because he doesn't get how devastating this is.  He has two kids, and he didn't REALLY want another one.  I HAVE NONE, and this is something I have wanted for so long.  I wanted to be a mom since I was 16.  All little girls want to be moms when they are young, you play babies, etc.  But at 16, I knew I wanted, really wanted, to be a mom.  I wanted a degree and a life, but then I wanted to be a MOM.  I wanted a big family, and to give up my career and stay home.  And I have slowly let go of all that- I won't have a big family, J doesn't want one.  I won't get to be a stay at home mom, because now J doesn't think we can make that work (even though when he thought I wouldn't quit, that was his reason for not wanting a baby, that someone would have to be the stay at home parent), and now, now I may not get a chance to be a mom at all!

My heart is so broken right now.  SO BROKEN.  I just want to stop breathing.  I do.  But I have to keep holding out hope.  Maybe we only get one shot, but maybe, just maybe, it is the one that works?

Tough Day

Today has been a hard day.  I had another ultrasound today.  Dr. T told me he thinks we will get fewer eggs this time.  Nothing we can control. Just is what it is.

But hearing that makes me feel like I am failing.

Like my biggest desire is going to fall short- I may not get to be a "real" mom.

I am trying not to panic at the thought of it.

 I am trying to remember we have one healthy embryo on ice.

That in the end, I can be a mom, even if I don't give birth to a baby.

And I am trying to have faith.  Trying to remember that this may just be a small obstacle to overcome, so that when my precious Babycakes is here, that I will know in my heart completely, that J and I both wanted him/her to be our precious baby.  That I will know how hard fought this baby was, and will relish the victory of them being mine.  I am just going to keep praying.

It has been a weird day.  I see babies and pregnant people EVERYWHERE.  My old hairdresser had her baby today.  I log on to Facebook and wait to see more announcements of people who are expecting.  And I try not to be bitter.  I try and hang on to the possibility.  To the fact that Dr. T still thinks it will all work for me because he can't find anything to indicate that it won't.  I am holding out hope.  I am hanging in there for faith.  Our baby will be here...I just hope it is soon...

Back in the Stirrups

Today was the first day of monitoring.  It was a little stressful.  This first day is always one that is a little nerve-wracking to me.  I think it is just because it is that moment of truth appointment- does everything look like it is starting to work?

Today marks the start of monitoring for Round 2.  Another round of the daily stirrup show...

I had to drive in to town today for the appointment.  I had to go in to work, then had to take off from there.  I was all packed and loaded last night, so I could leave from the office.  I ran by the store to see J and say bye for the week, but of course, they got a rush, and he and I just got a quick kiss.  Then I was a speed demon the whole way here.  I miss him already, and it was so sad not to get a real goodbye.

I got in to my appointment just in time.  I got put in the back corner room- the procedure room.  I hate the room back there because it always seems like you get forgotten about back there.  I went back and changed.  And waited...and waited...and waited.  I know that IVF is very much about the hurry up and wait, but today completely demonstrated that point.  The nurse came in, and she had a trainee with her.  She was learning to do the ultrasounds.  I didn't mind being the guinea pig at first, but then she started to make me nervous because she couldn't see many follicles.  I didn't know if it was because they weren't there and growing or if it was because she was learning.  I know it is still early, so they are small and harder to see, but I was starting to sweat the small stuff- my small follicles!  They measured everything and then told me to wait while they went to talk to the doctor.  I waited and waited...I waited so long that another nurse came back to prep the room for someone else and saw me and went to get someone.  Dr. T came in soon after that and did the ultrasound again.  He made me feel better.  He thinks we may get another 7-9 eggs (similar to last time).  It wasn't the news I was hoping for, as I was hoping for more than last time, but after the first ultrasound, I was happy for that many since they only found 4 to measure.  Dr. T did up my Menopur dosage to 3 vials in 1 cc dilutent, and Follistim stayed at 225, and Lupron at 5.  I am hoping this will make the follicles grow- and that my eggs will be strong and healthy.  I am desperately hoping and praying that we will have good fertilization and embryo growth.  And J is still hoping for some pigtails.  I just want a healthy, happy baby to come from all this, and hopefully, on our first transfer...

Baseline...here we go again...

I had my baseline appointment yesterday.  I drove the 3 hours down to the appointment and got there just in time to circle the parking garage 6 times before I found a space.  I swear some times that is the worst part of the whole process- trying to find parking!  UGH!  I got in just in time.  They had a new receptionist, and she was super sweet.  I think All IVF clinics need super sweet receptionists.  Let’s face it, we are all either new to this and nervous or experienced and just a little bit damaged goods as we are walking in there- someone nice and sweet just helps.

 

My favorite nurse there did my baseline- everything looked ok.  My right ovary is super cooperative, and my left tried to hide.  We could hardly see it, and trying to identify follicles on it was pretty tough.  I am hoping it will cooperate.  They upped my Follistim dose from last time.  I was at 150 and now will be at 225.  Hopefully, that will mean better results.  My ovaries looked like they had the same number of antral follicles.  Not a ton, but not considered low.  Just maybe normal to low.  It is hard to say since it is so hard to see my left ovary.  Today, I hate my left ovary.  I just wish it were in a normal spot so it would be easy to access and see!  UGH!  I was fine with it all yesterday, but today when I think of it, I just want to cry about it.  But I am holding up ok… J was sweet yesterday when I texted him about it, and said “Awesome, bebe pigtails are coming”…it is cute because we call each other Bebe…so bebe pigtails would be our little girl, a little me.

 

I am trying to keep hopeful and faithful.  It is hard this time. I think it is the anxiety of knowing how last time turned out.  But I tell myself, if we get to the end and only have one more this time, we have doubled what we had before we started.  And it gives us two chances.  It just takes one, right?