Today is trigger shot day. I wish I could say I was excited. But I am not even excited. I am just nervous. Anxious. Disappointed. Dr. T doesn't seem very optimistic about any of it right now. It makes me pretty down about it. Add to it J's general lack of interest at this point, and I am pretty upset. I know why he isn't interested too- we have his boys this week during the summer custody schedule. I told him before to make sure his ex-wife got the 1st week of summer, but he didn't do it. Now he can't be bothered with me and all this. And it is breaking my heart. It really does hurt me. He can't even seem to fake it. There are lots of times I am not 100% interested in things other people are, but I fake it because that person is important to me, and I want them to feel important, and my interest in their interests, or what is happening in their lives, is part of what shows they are important to me. J can't even act interested in this retrieval. Lately, when I bring it up, he just acts like I am reading from a phone book. And I get it, the boys could walk in and overhear something, so he just has to be nondescript, and not act all excited. And maybe this is his way of lessening the disappointment if this doesn't work out. But it still hurts me. When you add to that hurt all of my disappointment that this cycle has brought so far, and it is almost more than I can take.
I wasn't prepared for this IVF journey. I wasn't prepared for this to be so rough. This was supposed to be simply because J had a vasectomy. I wasn't supposed to be an issue. We did all the tests, and everything came back as normal, Dr. T said he thought we would have excellent results because I was younger, healthy, and had good test results, no apparent reason we shouldn't have success. And now we are struggling. My follicle count was low, lower than last round, and it was a battle to get them to grow. It makes me nervous that this may be a waste, that we won't get our baby. And it breaks my heart because at the end of the day, J has two kids. He is a dad, regardless of how this turns out. But me, my only chance to be a mom is tied up in this. I know there is adoption, but I am not sure I truly believe J is ready for that. I don't think he understands how to truly love a child that doesn't share his biology. Yes, he may come around to it, but he mentioned before he didn't know if he could be a step dad. I think it is mostly in the sharing aspect, but there is a part of me that is fearful it is because he can't love a child that is not biologically his. A long time back, I saw a special on donor kids- children that were born using donor sperm or eggs, or both. The marriages of couples who used donor sperm did not last. Most broke up, and most of the women talked about the man not having an appropriate bond with the child. Women who carried the child made from donor eggs didn't face the same issues, as they bonded not through the biology, but through the gestation. It definitely made me think. But I always thought it would be J's sperm that might be the issue because his vasectomy was so long ago. Instead it is me...I am failing at the one thing I wanted most...
But I am going to try and pick my head up. Hold it up. I am giving my trigger shot (1cc of dilutant to 1 vial of Novarel) tonight. 11 pm on the dot! That will start a reaction in me that will finalize the maturation of my eggs, and prep them for ovulation. Thursday, they will retrieve them, and between now and then, I will just pray that quality is going to be better and that quantity won't matter because I will have good eggs that will fertilize, grow, and be ready for transfer when it is time for our FET. I just have to keep up my hope and faith. We just need one to take...so it is time to pull the trigger, hope for the best, and then go to bed and dream of my baby being mine!
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