I Am A Planner

I just lost my whole post...this SUCKS!!  UGH!!

So, let me try again...

It has been a few days since we got the bad news.  Yesterday confirmed it.  I took my patches off mid-day and my last shot was Sunday night.  So,I should get my period tomorrow or Thursday.  I feel like once i get that, it will be us moving forward.  Until then, I am just in a holding pattern of hell.

Over the weekend, I started planning- because that is what I do.  I can avoid the devastation if I am planning my next phase of attack on this problem.  If I don't have my next plan, then I am crushed and defeated, but so long a I have another move, I am ok.  Not good by any means, but OK.  

I spent most of the weekend crying and sleeping though.  I know they are signs of grief and depression, but i didn't, and don't, care.  I needed it to feel OK.  So, when I was up, I was planning and when I wasn't planning, I cried until I fell asleep.  We had the boys, so I had to hide it all too...which was exhausting in itself.  It is harder because I don’t get Jason to myself to cry to.  He has been really good about trying to listen but the boys just pull attention all the time, and I get that.  I 'm pretty sure E threw up late Sunday night (or maybe it was a dream), but I couldn’t get up, I was too exhausted- physically and mentally- to help, and Jason got up, so I figured it worked.

While I was researching and planning, a topic I saw over and over after failure of IVF is when to change clinics.  I hadn't thought much about it at first, but I am wondering.  Where I am torn is that Dr. T is really good, and really nice.  He genuinely cares about how I feel.  But maybe I am less feely than I thought.  (I always thought I was an emotional “feely” person- and maybe compared to other engineers I am, but I guess maybe not like people in the real world?)  But in this, I am looking more for stats, and data, and all the things a planner/engineer wants and needs.  I think Dr. T struggles with that- partly because some of it may be a guessing game, and I am getting the impression I don’t “fit” in any of it, and maybe that the only answer is I DON’T KNOW (and I am just unwilling to accept it), and maybe that my expectations are high- I know several people who had success right away with it all, and now maybe I expect it but the norm is more what I am experiencing.  I don’t know.  But all I know is all I have heard is how young I am, how healthy, and how I am a good candidate.   So, when it is not playing out like it should, I guess it is harder, and I just don’t know if he is saying nice things so I think positively, or if it is real.  He did say if I wanted he can check my uterus again, but since it has only been 4-5 months, and I have been observed, he is not sure he expects a change.  I think I am going to do it because I don’t want to waste my last shot if there is something fixable there.  I am glad my job pays well and that I get good bonus payouts.  I may not be able to stay at home after my baby is born, but I will cross that bridge after we get him here!

I also found out we have 7 more vials of Jason's sperm.  That is good if we have to do another cycle, although I am wondering how much of our issues are me and how much could be from the TESA sperm.  There is very little info about how successful TESA sperm is and most of it is tied to other influences in male factor infertility.  I feel like I want to talk to the lab guys as much as I want to talk to Dr. T, just to know where our biggest issue is.  I am way more nerd than most I guess.

I asked about a fresh transfer if this one doesn’t work, and at first Dr. T said it probably wouldn’t be our first choice, but when I explained why, he said it is logical and makes sense, and it may be something to try, but we won’t talk about it now until we know what happens with this last frozen….I am just praying I won’t have to worry about it.

I am ready to move forward.  I have never looked forward to a period this much.  I just need something to grasp on to for a little hope.  And that hope is coming from this next chance.  I hope it works.  PLEASE GOD, I AM READY TO BE A MOM, SO PLEASE LET THIS LITTLE EMBRYO STICK!!

A Lonely Only

We got the news that only one embryo made it to biopsy.  I am a little disappointed but trying to remain optimistic…afterall, one is better than none!  Now I am hoping and praying for a genetically normal embryo!  Not much to update on because I am just kind of empty with that news, and it is just the waiting game.  I had a dream the other night after the last update, and in my dream we only got one.  I didn’t want to think or talk about it because I was hoping for better, but even after I woke up, I still felt oddly at peace with it.  Maybe that is the sign that this is it…that it is my baby.

Making a Baby

I called in for the fertilization report...and we have 3 fertilized eggs.  I was a little crushed by it.  I was at work, so I tried not to think about it too much.  I just had hoped for more.  I am really worried about the attrition rate of them, and whether or not we will have any make it.  Today is a tough day.  I will have my pity party today, then back to cautiously optimistic tomorrow.  Prayers will be said...ALOT.  I did talk to one of my nurses, and she told me I can call in on Monday for an update on the little embryos.  2 of them looked to fertilize and do nothing, and one totally broke apart, so maybe by Monday we will see some activity out of the 2...and hopefully, those 3 will still be growing strong!!

On a side note, I talked to the IVF coordinator, and got the transfer set up.  August 6th is my day.  I am excited, but nervous too.  And a little nervous about the progesterone in oil shots...those are some BIG needles!!

More to come.

Pulling The Trigger...again

Today is trigger shot day.  I wish I could say I was excited.  But I am not even excited.  I am just nervous.  Anxious.  Disappointed.  Dr. T doesn't seem very optimistic about any of it right now.  It makes me pretty down about it.  Add to it J's general lack of interest at this point, and I am pretty upset.  I know why he isn't interested too- we have his boys this week during the summer custody schedule.  I told him before to make sure his ex-wife got the 1st week of summer, but he didn't do it.  Now he can't be bothered with me and all this.  And it is breaking my heart.  It really does hurt me.  He can't even seem to fake it.  There are lots of times I am not 100% interested in things other people are, but I fake it because that person is important to me, and I want them to feel important, and my interest in their interests, or what is happening in their lives, is part of what shows they are important to me.  J can't even act interested in this retrieval.  Lately, when I bring it up, he just acts like I am reading from a phone book.  And I get it, the boys could walk in and overhear something, so he just has to be nondescript, and not act all excited.  And maybe this is his way of lessening the disappointment if this doesn't work out.  But it still hurts me.  When you add to that hurt all of my disappointment that this cycle has brought so far, and it is almost more than I can take.

I wasn't prepared for this IVF journey.  I wasn't prepared for this to be so rough.  This was supposed to be simply because J had a vasectomy.  I wasn't supposed to be an issue.  We did all the tests, and everything came back as normal, Dr. T said he thought we would have excellent results because I was younger, healthy, and had good test results, no apparent reason we shouldn't have success.  And now we are struggling.  My follicle count was low, lower than last round, and it was a battle to get them to grow.  It makes me nervous that this may be a waste, that we won't get our baby.  And it breaks my heart because at the end of the day, J has two kids.  He is a dad, regardless of how this turns out.  But me, my only chance to be a mom is tied up in this.  I know there is adoption, but I am not sure I truly believe J is ready for that.  I don't think he understands how to truly love a child that doesn't share his biology.  Yes, he may come around to it, but he mentioned before he didn't know if he could be a step dad.  I think it is mostly in the sharing aspect, but there is a part of me that is fearful it is because he can't love a child that is not biologically his.  A long time back, I saw a special on donor kids- children that were born using donor sperm or eggs, or both.  The marriages of couples who used donor sperm did not last.  Most broke up, and most of the women talked about the man not having an appropriate bond with the child.  Women who carried the child made from donor eggs didn't face the same issues, as they bonded not through the biology, but through the gestation.  It definitely made me think.  But I always thought it would be J's sperm that might be the issue because his vasectomy was so long ago.  Instead it is me...I am failing at the one thing I wanted most...

But I am going to try and pick my head up.  Hold it up.  I am giving my trigger shot (1cc of dilutant to 1 vial of Novarel) tonight.  11 pm on the dot!  That will start a reaction in me that will finalize the maturation of my eggs, and prep them for ovulation.  Thursday, they will retrieve them, and between now and then, I will just pray that quality is going to be better and that quantity won't matter because I will have good eggs that will fertilize, grow, and be ready for transfer when it is time for our FET.  I just have to keep up my hope and faith.  We just need one to take...so it is time to pull the trigger, hope for the best, and then go to bed and dream of my baby being mine!

Raging Sadness

I am trying very hard not to be raging angry right now.  I am already devastated.  I went to my ultrasound today and things are not looking good.  We are down to 5 embryos.  I am not progressing very well.  The retrieval may be Thursday now.  We started at trying for Tuesday, then Wednesday, and now we are likely at Thursday.  I am super depressed.  My only hope I am hanging on to is that this one is so different, so maybe the results will be different and be better?  But today, I lost a lot of that hope.  Dr. T talked to me about the numbers.  How with 5 follicles, we might only get 4 eggs.  And with 4 eggs, we might only have 3 fertilize (that is half of what we had last time).  And with 3 fertilized eggs, we might be lucky if we get 1-2 to blast stage for biopsy.  And if we get those to biopsy, they still may not be genetically "normal".  I feel like I am grasping at straws.  It sounds like he was ready to cancel the cycle.  And I am devastated.  And I am trying my hardest not to be raging mad at J.

I am trying so hard.  I want to yell and scream and throw things at him.  It is probably a good thing he isn't here.  It started last night with him making a comment about how I should be enjoying this vacation- because I am not having to get up early with the dogs and don't have to do housework.  Are you kidding me?  Because it is so fun to get up, rush to an ultrasound appointment in the morning, have your hooha out for the world to see, poke and wand, all to get told things are going as well as we hope.  Then, I get to poke myself 3 times a day, and have a lab tech do it once or twice a day too.  Once again, to get told things are looking so good.  It is a  FUCKING DREAM VACATION, yeah, sure!

Then, I am raging mad because he kept wanting to wait.  He made me wait and wait to get married in the first place.  Then, I had to wait a year to even bring it up again, wanting to have a baby.  And he said NO, he didn't want one at all.  So, I prayed for over a year that he would change his mind EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT.  Every one!  And he finally did.  But then, we had to wait because he was following his dream, so mine had to be put on hold a little longer.  And really, what difference would it make to wait a little longer.  A HUGE FUCKING DIFFERENCE!  Now, I am struggling to even produce enough eggs!  And maybe it wouldn't have been different, but I know my eggs would have been younger.  I would statically have better chances.  And I AM SO MAD because he doesn't get how devastating this is.  He has two kids, and he didn't REALLY want another one.  I HAVE NONE, and this is something I have wanted for so long.  I wanted to be a mom since I was 16.  All little girls want to be moms when they are young, you play babies, etc.  But at 16, I knew I wanted, really wanted, to be a mom.  I wanted a degree and a life, but then I wanted to be a MOM.  I wanted a big family, and to give up my career and stay home.  And I have slowly let go of all that- I won't have a big family, J doesn't want one.  I won't get to be a stay at home mom, because now J doesn't think we can make that work (even though when he thought I wouldn't quit, that was his reason for not wanting a baby, that someone would have to be the stay at home parent), and now, now I may not get a chance to be a mom at all!

My heart is so broken right now.  SO BROKEN.  I just want to stop breathing.  I do.  But I have to keep holding out hope.  Maybe we only get one shot, but maybe, just maybe, it is the one that works?

Tough Day

Today has been a hard day.  I had another ultrasound today.  Dr. T told me he thinks we will get fewer eggs this time.  Nothing we can control. Just is what it is.

But hearing that makes me feel like I am failing.

Like my biggest desire is going to fall short- I may not get to be a "real" mom.

I am trying not to panic at the thought of it.

 I am trying to remember we have one healthy embryo on ice.

That in the end, I can be a mom, even if I don't give birth to a baby.

And I am trying to have faith.  Trying to remember that this may just be a small obstacle to overcome, so that when my precious Babycakes is here, that I will know in my heart completely, that J and I both wanted him/her to be our precious baby.  That I will know how hard fought this baby was, and will relish the victory of them being mine.  I am just going to keep praying.

It has been a weird day.  I see babies and pregnant people EVERYWHERE.  My old hairdresser had her baby today.  I log on to Facebook and wait to see more announcements of people who are expecting.  And I try not to be bitter.  I try and hang on to the possibility.  To the fact that Dr. T still thinks it will all work for me because he can't find anything to indicate that it won't.  I am holding out hope.  I am hanging in there for faith.  Our baby will be here...I just hope it is soon...