Beta Day- Round Two

Today is Beta Day.  I once again showed up at 6 in the morning when the lab doesn't open until 6:30. I know it opens at 6:30, but I can't sleep on Beta Day.  So, I get up super early, get ready and go sit in the parking lot.  Now I wait.

I went in and it is done.  It was stressful this morning.  They called me for my paperwork and the lady kept saying Dr. T was a new doctor in their system.  I kept telling them I had been there 2 or 3 times in the last year and they managed to get him results then.  They have his info, and they have Dr. C's.  But she wouldn't use it for Dr. C.  I was getting upset.  She finally found Dr. T and then lectured me that his name was not in the system the same as the paperwork.  Umm, lady, I didn't do either!  I went back though, a very young lady took my blood, and I was out of there.  Let the nerves begin!  Off to work breakfast...at least it is a nice distraction.

I took the afternoon off from work.  I think it will be good for me to get to freak out in the privacy of my own home.  Because I know I will freak out.  I will freak out waiting, I will freak out when I get the news (good or bad), and I will freak out some more I am sure.  So, at least I am home!

OMG- the waiting is killing me!  It is 2 and I am DYING!!  I am really hoping Dr. T didn't call my desk phone again.  I can't get in to my voicemail at work, so I really hope not!

THEY CALLED!!!

I answered and I was ready to cry before I even answered it.  I said "Hello", and then waited...and it was a nurse!  I got a little hopeful.  She said they got my results in, and I said ok, and she said they were positive!!!  IT WAS A POSITIVE BETA!! I started squealing, giggling, and laughing, all while crying too!  She laughed at and said my level was 161 and it was really good!  I was so excited.  Then, she said just keep it all up and we will be ok. 

I GOT A POSITIVE!! 

I got up and went to the bathroom- I took a home test, so I could see what it looked like and felt like to have a pregnancy test come back positive!

It felting FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC! I loved it!  

So, here is my little guy...

I am going to do whatever it takes to grow him big and strong!  I cannot wait to hold him in my arms!  

Wednesday, we rerun my numbers.  Hopefully, they will have gone up and he will be growing more and more!!

So, they called back and my thyroid level is messed up.  I am going to have to start meds tomorrow for it.  I guess I get to do more blood work in my future!  But needles don't phase me if it gives me my baby!!

A Moment of Truth...Tomorrow...

Tomorrow is Beta Day- Round 2.  I am crazy nervous right now!  I am so on edge I can hardly make it through the day.  I am hoping and praying that it will come back positive.

I have not done a home pregnancy test, and mostly stayed off of Google.  Last night, I had a dream that I broke down and took one, and it was negative.  I woke up, and I was so sad.  I finally fell back to sleep and had almost the same dream again, only this time, it came back positive.  I woke up and I was so happy, and I thought it was later in the week.  Then I realized it was early Sunday morning, and I was so sad.  I am hoping that it was a representation of the first transfer that was negative, and then this transfer, and it will be positive.  PLEASE LORD, CAN I PLEASE BE PREGNANT!!

I Am A Planner

I just lost my whole post...this SUCKS!!  UGH!!

So, let me try again...

It has been a few days since we got the bad news.  Yesterday confirmed it.  I took my patches off mid-day and my last shot was Sunday night.  So,I should get my period tomorrow or Thursday.  I feel like once i get that, it will be us moving forward.  Until then, I am just in a holding pattern of hell.

Over the weekend, I started planning- because that is what I do.  I can avoid the devastation if I am planning my next phase of attack on this problem.  If I don't have my next plan, then I am crushed and defeated, but so long a I have another move, I am ok.  Not good by any means, but OK.  

I spent most of the weekend crying and sleeping though.  I know they are signs of grief and depression, but i didn't, and don't, care.  I needed it to feel OK.  So, when I was up, I was planning and when I wasn't planning, I cried until I fell asleep.  We had the boys, so I had to hide it all too...which was exhausting in itself.  It is harder because I don’t get Jason to myself to cry to.  He has been really good about trying to listen but the boys just pull attention all the time, and I get that.  I 'm pretty sure E threw up late Sunday night (or maybe it was a dream), but I couldn’t get up, I was too exhausted- physically and mentally- to help, and Jason got up, so I figured it worked.

While I was researching and planning, a topic I saw over and over after failure of IVF is when to change clinics.  I hadn't thought much about it at first, but I am wondering.  Where I am torn is that Dr. T is really good, and really nice.  He genuinely cares about how I feel.  But maybe I am less feely than I thought.  (I always thought I was an emotional “feely” person- and maybe compared to other engineers I am, but I guess maybe not like people in the real world?)  But in this, I am looking more for stats, and data, and all the things a planner/engineer wants and needs.  I think Dr. T struggles with that- partly because some of it may be a guessing game, and I am getting the impression I don’t “fit” in any of it, and maybe that the only answer is I DON’T KNOW (and I am just unwilling to accept it), and maybe that my expectations are high- I know several people who had success right away with it all, and now maybe I expect it but the norm is more what I am experiencing.  I don’t know.  But all I know is all I have heard is how young I am, how healthy, and how I am a good candidate.   So, when it is not playing out like it should, I guess it is harder, and I just don’t know if he is saying nice things so I think positively, or if it is real.  He did say if I wanted he can check my uterus again, but since it has only been 4-5 months, and I have been observed, he is not sure he expects a change.  I think I am going to do it because I don’t want to waste my last shot if there is something fixable there.  I am glad my job pays well and that I get good bonus payouts.  I may not be able to stay at home after my baby is born, but I will cross that bridge after we get him here!

I also found out we have 7 more vials of Jason's sperm.  That is good if we have to do another cycle, although I am wondering how much of our issues are me and how much could be from the TESA sperm.  There is very little info about how successful TESA sperm is and most of it is tied to other influences in male factor infertility.  I feel like I want to talk to the lab guys as much as I want to talk to Dr. T, just to know where our biggest issue is.  I am way more nerd than most I guess.

I asked about a fresh transfer if this one doesn’t work, and at first Dr. T said it probably wouldn’t be our first choice, but when I explained why, he said it is logical and makes sense, and it may be something to try, but we won’t talk about it now until we know what happens with this last frozen….I am just praying I won’t have to worry about it.

I am ready to move forward.  I have never looked forward to a period this much.  I just need something to grasp on to for a little hope.  And that hope is coming from this next chance.  I hope it works.  PLEASE GOD, I AM READY TO BE A MOM, SO PLEASE LET THIS LITTLE EMBRYO STICK!!

Negative.

It was negative.  I am devastated.  I got the news yesterday, but I couldn't bring myself to type it out.  It hurt too bad to even think it, or have to say it, so I had a really hard time posting this.  I have to go back Monday to confirm the results.  Until then, I have to continue with the injections. Dr. T mentioned how hard that will be because the shots hurt- they are NOTHING compared to my broken heart.  NOTHING.

I am going to try another FET though.  We have one embryo left.  Please God, let that one stick!

BETA DAY!! Am I Ready?

6:00AM:  Beta Day is here...and I am not sure how I feel about it. It's six in the morning, the lab doesn't open for 30 minutes, and I'm sitting in the parking lot… I'm so nervous now! Part of me is afraid to go in, because at least until I take the test I could be pregnant. If it comes back negative, then I know…and I am not sure I am ready for that...but if I don't go in, I won't know. Hopefully, not knowing will be worse than anything they say. I am praying for God to please answer this prayer for a positive pregnancy test!!

Sitting in the car waiting for the lab to open

6:30AM: I am headed in!! My knees are shaking, and I am scared as hell, but I am going in! Please God, let me be pregnant!!




6:52AM: It's done! I am still scared! But I hope it is a good sign that my wrap is blue!!

The phlebotomist said the results should be to Dr. T by about noon...I hope and pray it is good news!!

Dragging By

These may be the longest 5 days of my life!!  My Beta Test is Friday, and each moment of each day feels like it is dragging on so slowly.  But I am hoping that my little butter bean has found a cosy place to hang out for the next 9 months.  Today, I could smell smoke and Jason smoking his cigar from outside, and I never noticed it before.  I am hoping that is a good sign.  I feel a little tension in my lower abdomen, and I am hoping it is just further implantation...hopes and prayers for it all!

I tried my first pregnancy test today and it was negative, but it is still WAY early to test.  I am going to keep testing but I also have done my research and know that even up until my beta, it is highly likely that a home pregnancy test won't come back as positive.  So, I will save one or two tests for after I get a positive beta, but will probably end up testing daily until then.  Hoping and praying for a positive before Beta Day though...