I am trying very hard not to be raging angry right now. I am already devastated. I went to my ultrasound today and things are not looking good. We are down to 5 embryos. I am not progressing very well. The retrieval may be Thursday now. We started at trying for Tuesday, then Wednesday, and now we are likely at Thursday. I am super depressed. My only hope I am hanging on to is that this one is so different, so maybe the results will be different and be better? But today, I lost a lot of that hope. Dr. T talked to me about the numbers. How with 5 follicles, we might only get 4 eggs. And with 4 eggs, we might only have 3 fertilize (that is half of what we had last time). And with 3 fertilized eggs, we might be lucky if we get 1-2 to blast stage for biopsy. And if we get those to biopsy, they still may not be genetically "normal". I feel like I am grasping at straws. It sounds like he was ready to cancel the cycle. And I am devastated. And I am trying my hardest not to be raging mad at J.
I am trying so hard. I want to yell and scream and throw things at him. It is probably a good thing he isn't here. It started last night with him making a comment about how I should be enjoying this vacation- because I am not having to get up early with the dogs and don't have to do housework. Are you kidding me? Because it is so fun to get up, rush to an ultrasound appointment in the morning, have your hooha out for the world to see, poke and wand, all to get told things are going as well as we hope. Then, I get to poke myself 3 times a day, and have a lab tech do it once or twice a day too. Once again, to get told things are looking so good. It is a FUCKING DREAM VACATION, yeah, sure!
Then, I am raging mad because he kept wanting to wait. He made me wait and wait to get married in the first place. Then, I had to wait a year to even bring it up again, wanting to have a baby. And he said NO, he didn't want one at all. So, I prayed for over a year that he would change his mind EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. Every one! And he finally did. But then, we had to wait because he was following his dream, so mine had to be put on hold a little longer. And really, what difference would it make to wait a little longer. A HUGE FUCKING DIFFERENCE! Now, I am struggling to even produce enough eggs! And maybe it wouldn't have been different, but I know my eggs would have been younger. I would statically have better chances. And I AM SO MAD because he doesn't get how devastating this is. He has two kids, and he didn't REALLY want another one. I HAVE NONE, and this is something I have wanted for so long. I wanted to be a mom since I was 16. All little girls want to be moms when they are young, you play babies, etc. But at 16, I knew I wanted, really wanted, to be a mom. I wanted a degree and a life, but then I wanted to be a MOM. I wanted a big family, and to give up my career and stay home. And I have slowly let go of all that- I won't have a big family, J doesn't want one. I won't get to be a stay at home mom, because now J doesn't think we can make that work (even though when he thought I wouldn't quit, that was his reason for not wanting a baby, that someone would have to be the stay at home parent), and now, now I may not get a chance to be a mom at all!
My heart is so broken right now. SO BROKEN. I just want to stop breathing. I do. But I have to keep holding out hope. Maybe we only get one shot, but maybe, just maybe, it is the one that works?
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