Round Two

I need a place to put my thoughts down as we go through this journey…again.

 

I have wanted this for years.  I have prayed and prayed and prayed again.  I still do.  J only wants a little girl, since he already had 2 boys.  And I get it.  I do.  I want a little girl too.  I want a little girl to do little girl things with.  I desperately do.  But I want a baby more.  Round two…here we go.

 

Round one started in January with the initial consults, the exams.  By mid-March, we were underway, and J was being “harvested”.  Luckily, he still had lots of swimmers and they were all in good shape!  Not bad for almost 12 years post snip-snip.  The pressure was on me!  So, I started my piece at the end of March.  Poke, poke, poke, injection after injection, I diligently pursued my goal of becoming a babymaking machine.  By mid-April, I was a pro, and we were ready to retrieve my eggs.  We were hoping for 9 eggs, got 8 actual eggs, and 7 were mature enough to fertilize.  6 of the eggs made magic and then it was time to wait…for 5 whole days.  After the 5 days of waiting, only one little embryo was left.  I was devastated.  J was confident.  He said, “It is God’s plan”, and told me to relax.  We sent the sample off to be biopsied. J was confident it was a “normal” girl.  The results all come in as normal or abnormal, and are based on the right number of chromosomes.  We got the results back and it was a normal boy.  J almost didn’t believe me.  I was sad, but I would have done it anyways.  But J and I got to talking about it, and with my age (I am 32), and the concern about my egg quality (since so many failed to grow), we have decided to try one more time, and try and “bank” some more embryos just in case it takes more than one transfer to get there.  We are hoping for girls, but I will take a boy, or a monkey, for all I care!  I guess, if we have better “luck” or embryos this time, we will try for girls first, and save any boys, but I keep wondering in the back of my mind if J shouldn’t have been born a king, or in a country where an heir has to be male.  He is a male-making man!  Please God, just give make a girl happen…I just want a girl to make our family a little different than the “1^st” one.  I just want to give us a little something different.  So, tomorrow we start round two…

 

Here is a brief thought I wrote down a few days ago...right before we got the news on our "lonely only" embryo...

 

So, the last couple of nights I have had a dream that the embryo is fine, but it is a boy. Now, I am almost certain that we will have one embryo, but it will be a boy. I don't know whether I feel better or worse about it. I know Jason really wants a girl, and I would be willing to go through one more cycle before transferring it just to try and get more embryos so if it doesn't work the first time, we have a back-up, but I am scared that we will go through it all twice and still only end up with boys, and I don't know if I could get over it if he didn't want to have a boy then. Like, we gave it our best effort, but clearly you are only meant to have boys...and I just wonder whether he would really say no if we went through it twice and only ended up with boys...I desperately hope it is a girl, so I won't have to know.