It has been a week since my last post. Mainly, it is because we are in the dreaded waiting cycle. I hate waiting. I have gotten (a little) better at it, not by choice, but out of necessity.
The truly bizarre thing about it all is that mentally, I feel pregnant already. And not in the sense of I have a baby in me, that would be cray-cray. I feel like my little baby is real, that he is ready for me, and I for him. That I am already a mom. I have two little embryos waiting for me to take care of them, love them, and make them mine. And isn't that what pregnancy is? (Beyond the physical parts, I know)
Speaking of being pregnant, Facebook can be a killer. Every day I open it up (Ok, who am I kidding, I open it more than once a day...much more) and as I scroll through, I have the nervous feeling of who else will be Facebook officially pregnant. Lately, I haven't been blindsided by too many announcements, probably because most of the people I know and follow (for reals) already just popped out a kiddo and therefore aren't knocked up again yet. So, now instead of pregnancy posts, I get a million look at my new baby posts. And I am truly happy for them, but I am also sad for me. AND JEALOUS- so jealous. Not in the I don't want you to have it sense, but in the why not me sense. I hope and pray, and feel faith, that my day is coming, and soon, but I am still nervous and still jealous. In fact, I read a blog that the woman just had an FET. A few years ago, they transferred two embryos and she had twin girls. They had two embryos left, and they were going to try again, hoping for a second set of twins. (These people must be crazy- two sets of twins- be still my heart!) Well, I, like so many of the blog readers, prayed for them. I prayed when they thawed the embryos and when only made it through thaw. And I prayed for a successful transfer too. And it worked. She is pregnant. And I got so sad and so jealous. And I felt so bad for it. Here I had been praying for this very thing, and then I was jealous and sad. I know that it is not a reflection on not wanting it for them, and just really desperately and fearfully wanting it for me, but I hate that I felt that way. But I did feel it. And I know that someday, when it is my turn to announce I am pregnant, someone may feel that way about me. And I realize it is OK. None of us are wishing away anyone else's success in this, just sad and jealous that it is not ours...yet.
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