Imagine

I am having a hard time today.  I am antsy and nervous, and it is still 5 more days until I will have results!  UGH!

But I am really struggling with something more abstract right now.  I am struggling to even imagine myself as pregnant. Or with a baby.  I am hoping it is just how I am practicing some kind of self preservation, and not a sign of something bad.  I just know I want to be a mom so bad, even if I can't imagine being pregnant, or having a baby.  Maybe it is a good thing- maybe it means I won't be hung up on an idea of how it should be and can truly enjoy it for how it is, since it is highly unlikely I will get a second chance at it.  I mean, I can imagine telling people I am pregnant, I just can't imagine myself being pregnant.  Is it weird?

Until monday, I am just praying...and praying...and praying...and hoping...beyond all hope...that I will know what being pregnant is like, and I won't have to imagine a baby because in June I will hold my baby.