Waiting

The waiting game in IVF is definitely one of the hardest parts.  When you first start this whole process you are scared of the shots- you see those big needles and think "Holy HELL, I have to stick myself with that!!"...and you understand why people pass out when they see needles.  But then you start giving them to yourself, or if you are lucky, you have someone who can give them to you.  You think you are going to make it through the worst part.  But then you realize you haven't even gotten to the worst part yet.

After they have done the egg retrieval, the first wait begins.  I mean you have been waiting before this, but those waits, they are nothing...they are excited waits, and the fear hasn't taken hold yet.  But after they harvest you, then the crazy starts to set in.  You start to think about and analyze what the numbers mean- did they get enough or too many?  Too few and you might not have any make it out and too many, does it mean there is something wrong?  If you are smart, you stay away from Google. But most of us are new, and we don't know, so you start Googling...and you start seeing statistics and trying to apply those to your eggs.  You hope for 60-70% fertilization rate, and more if you can get it. Then you wait for the first call...to tell you how many made magic in the dish...

After that first call, it is more waiting..waiting to see how many grow to day 3...and what it means...what does the attrition rate of embryos mean, are my eggs bad, are my hopes and dreams over?  Then you google and wait, and each second makes you feel a little more clammy and panicky...it sucks.

They call, and you get an update...some people make decisions to transfer then, but others of us, we wait it out longer...until day 5....and some of us, we wait even longer because they freeze them and run biopsies.  You wait, and you wait...and you Google.  Oh the bain of all IVF is Google!  Why the info out there can be helpful, it can be so panic inducing to see some of the tragedies of IVF and all that is out there.

When they call and give you the results of the biopsy screening, you think the worst of the waiting is over...but you are just getting started.  This has been a ramp up for the next round of waiting... and it is harder still!

If you do an FET, you realize you have a wait that is short, but scary.  The wait during the thaw...where you are waiting to hear how your little embryo or embryos survived...did they make it, are they thriving and expanding and hatching, or are they coming apart, did they just not do anything, or are they not very active and you just have to take your chances?  It it a hard wait, but luckily, a short one.  It is the only real short one you get in all this IVF mess.

Once you get the news you are moving forward on you transfer, the transfer itself goes quickly.  You would think the whole process would be slow and delicate, but it really is quite quick.  Which means it leads you to The Wait...the dreaded two week wait...

During those two weeks, you analyze every feeling, pinch, twinge, bubble, twitch, thought, and dream.  Once again, if you are new, you probably will hang out on Google.  It will give you hope and tear it away with each click.  You may be a tester...or you may be one who doesn't want to know until you have to.  My first round, i was a tester...every day, I peed in a cup and dipped my little test, and waited...it should only take a few minutes, but I waited and then saw nothing, so i waited some more...hoping beyond all hope that faint line would appear.  I took apart tests to see if the plastic casing was giving a weird reflection to prevent me from seeing it and was disappointed each day.  For 9 days I waited and tested and saw nothing.  Then, I went to have my blood drawn, and I waited to get the call to tell me my dreams for this cycle were dashed.  Then, I had to wait to try again.

I went through all the waiting again for a second FET cycle, only this time, I learned.  I stayed away from Google, and I didn't test.  I wanted to hold on to my hope that there was a chance, and each test that came back negative destroyed that hope, so I didn't test.  I waited, as patiently as i could, and then had to wait an extra day since my day 9 was on a Sunday.

That Monday, I got the best news, it was positive, and I had a good number- 166!  I was thrilled!  And then I realized I had to start waiting again!  I had to wait until Wednesday to do my repeat draw and see if it increased and doubled.  So, I waited.  And the wait for that call was excruciating.  I now had higher hopes and deeper dreams about what could be.  I waited and counted each second, and tried to stay away from the dreaded Google.  I waited and waited and tried not to panic...but your mind will do some crazy things, and you will imagine what if's like you never imagined before.  And then you get your blood taken and you wait the longest wait yet....

Those minutes or hours that you are waiting are filled with every hope and fear.  You are desperately hoping and praying for good news while being fearful and terrified of the potential for bad.  I was so lucky on my second draw this time, I had good numbers (570).  But I have seen the other side too.  Today my friend got the call it wasn't doubling and barely increased.  It means another miscarriage for her.  She has been lucky and she had a son her first round of IVF, but this is their 3rd transfer, and out of 6 embryos, only one has made it.  I am heartbroken for her.  Her wait was the worst kind.  The kind that didn't result in a wash of relief and joy.

As I sit here and wait until wednesday for our ultrasound to see if our little bean is still there, still growing, and has a heartbeat, I am terrified of the potential for heartbreak.  And I realize that the waiting with IVF doesn't end...at least not until you deliver a healthy baby.  We will always be afraid, because most of us have seen the potential for the disaster, we have witness the great let downs, the heartbreaks, the worst.  But if we are lucky, we will make it to the best...to the delivery of our babies and we will celebrate that we overcame all that has tried to keep us down...and in the mean time, we wait.