Baby Girls

We went to dinner tonight.  Nothing big and shocking there.  But as we are sitting there, E makes a comment along the lines of why does Jason always wave and notice all the baby girls around. (there was a table behind us with a big family and they had several girls at the table) Aaron says it is because Jason never had a girl.  My heart broke at that moment and it made me so sad.  I had been really ok with having a baby boy until that moment, and then, it took all I had not to burst in to tears at the dinner table.  I still want my baby boy, but I want so desperately to give Jason a baby girl.  I just don't understand why we can't have one of each...

Good News...

So, it has been a few days since we got the news back that our little embryo was normal.  I was very excited to hear that because that morning I had a bad feeling about it.  But the news did come back that it was a boy.  I was disappointed.  I had so very much hoped we could have a little girl one this time.  It would give us even just the small chance to have one of each, and for me to be able to give J a girl.  I know he very much wanted a girl, and while I am aware that it is the man that determines the gender of the baby, I also felt guilty that because of my low egg counts, we just didn’t have the numbers to play the statistical game and come out with at least one girl embryo. 

 

This process has been so hard on me.  I was completely not prepared to find out I would be a stumbling block for us on this journey.  I think had we been able to try on our own for a while and not be successful, I would have been prepared.  But since we thought the only reason we couldn’t get pregnant was because J had a vasectomy, I was not prepared at all.  Add to it that every doctor we saw talked about how healthy we were and how easy it would be for us since we didn’t show signs of infertility, and well, maybe naively, I thought it would be smooth sailing.  I never paid attention to the numbers or stats because I thought they wouldn’t apply to me- we were only there because a tube had been cut and the swimmers couldn’t reach the shore so to speak.  So, once we got the swimmers, we would be fine.  But it wasn’t the case.  Even though all my levels were good, all my parts looked fine, and I am healthy, I was damaged.  And it breaks my heart that it may prevent us from my dream of having a baby.

 

But I am faithful.  I believe God brought us to this point.  I have to believe He wouldn’t have brought us to this juncture without us getting to have a baby, there were too many chances for us not to arrive at this place.  We have two boy embryos, and that is a sign to us that we are meant for a boy.  And while I was disappointed at first, I am excited about it now.  Little boys love their mommas, and he will be mine.  He will love me so much, and I will love him more than words can ever say.  And I know J will love him too.  How can you not fall in love with your child?  In fact, at first, he seemed more excited about a little boy than I did. 

 

So, for now, we are just waiting to really start the FET process.  My meds came yesterday, and I have been on birth control.  The injections will start in July, first Lupron, and then the progesterone in oil.  Not looking forward to the PIO injections because those are some BIG needles, but if it brings me my baby boy, I will take it!!  Until then…just more prayers for delivering a healthy and happy baby in April 2015!!

T-Minus 2.5 Days

Yesterday, we had our consult.  Dr. T was very nice, but I am not sure he totally understood how afraid I have been, and how brave I have tried to be.  I broke down in his office when I talked about how afraid I am that the embryo wouldn’t survive the thaw, and how I need to feel like I did my best to have a plan B.  He was concerned that the cost would be excessive, but J and I have reviewed the costs, and can swing it.  We can make the cost work, and while it is more than I had wanted to pay, it is a cost we can cover.   We start on Saturday with Round 2..t-minus 2.5 days and counting...

 

J is very tied to the idea of a girl, or as he calls it, Pigtails.  I saw a little more insight in to why yesterday too.  I think he wants to get to experience the side of sitting there and just watching his child instead of having to be the ever present coach, dad, mentor, etc.  And I don’t blame him.  I want him to get to have leisurely time with his child, not always structured.  He said he would feel guilty if it were a boy and he didn’t coach and do all he has done for his boys.  I get that.  I hope I can give him a girl.  But I also know we will love and support a boy too, and he will never question if we love him any less.

 

Today, I got the call about my meds.  They are so much cheaper this time around.  I have some left over, so I didn’t have to order as much, and Dr. T’s office gave me some of the Follistim that they had available.  That is a huge help.  The nurses there are so nice, and I want to get to do something nice for all of them.  I am thinking I may make a bunch of cookies or cupcakes the weekend before I start my next round and take them up there for my first appointment.  They have just been super awesome, and I think it would be a nice thank you.  We will see if I can swing that before I leave. J