Raging Sadness

I am trying very hard not to be raging angry right now.  I am already devastated.  I went to my ultrasound today and things are not looking good.  We are down to 5 embryos.  I am not progressing very well.  The retrieval may be Thursday now.  We started at trying for Tuesday, then Wednesday, and now we are likely at Thursday.  I am super depressed.  My only hope I am hanging on to is that this one is so different, so maybe the results will be different and be better?  But today, I lost a lot of that hope.  Dr. T talked to me about the numbers.  How with 5 follicles, we might only get 4 eggs.  And with 4 eggs, we might only have 3 fertilize (that is half of what we had last time).  And with 3 fertilized eggs, we might be lucky if we get 1-2 to blast stage for biopsy.  And if we get those to biopsy, they still may not be genetically "normal".  I feel like I am grasping at straws.  It sounds like he was ready to cancel the cycle.  And I am devastated.  And I am trying my hardest not to be raging mad at J.

I am trying so hard.  I want to yell and scream and throw things at him.  It is probably a good thing he isn't here.  It started last night with him making a comment about how I should be enjoying this vacation- because I am not having to get up early with the dogs and don't have to do housework.  Are you kidding me?  Because it is so fun to get up, rush to an ultrasound appointment in the morning, have your hooha out for the world to see, poke and wand, all to get told things are going as well as we hope.  Then, I get to poke myself 3 times a day, and have a lab tech do it once or twice a day too.  Once again, to get told things are looking so good.  It is a  FUCKING DREAM VACATION, yeah, sure!

Then, I am raging mad because he kept wanting to wait.  He made me wait and wait to get married in the first place.  Then, I had to wait a year to even bring it up again, wanting to have a baby.  And he said NO, he didn't want one at all.  So, I prayed for over a year that he would change his mind EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT.  Every one!  And he finally did.  But then, we had to wait because he was following his dream, so mine had to be put on hold a little longer.  And really, what difference would it make to wait a little longer.  A HUGE FUCKING DIFFERENCE!  Now, I am struggling to even produce enough eggs!  And maybe it wouldn't have been different, but I know my eggs would have been younger.  I would statically have better chances.  And I AM SO MAD because he doesn't get how devastating this is.  He has two kids, and he didn't REALLY want another one.  I HAVE NONE, and this is something I have wanted for so long.  I wanted to be a mom since I was 16.  All little girls want to be moms when they are young, you play babies, etc.  But at 16, I knew I wanted, really wanted, to be a mom.  I wanted a degree and a life, but then I wanted to be a MOM.  I wanted a big family, and to give up my career and stay home.  And I have slowly let go of all that- I won't have a big family, J doesn't want one.  I won't get to be a stay at home mom, because now J doesn't think we can make that work (even though when he thought I wouldn't quit, that was his reason for not wanting a baby, that someone would have to be the stay at home parent), and now, now I may not get a chance to be a mom at all!

My heart is so broken right now.  SO BROKEN.  I just want to stop breathing.  I do.  But I have to keep holding out hope.  Maybe we only get one shot, but maybe, just maybe, it is the one that works?

Emptiness, Sounds Alot Like Empty Nest

Dr. T thinks we will get maybe 5-6 eggs.  This is a depressing thought to me, I was greedy, and hoped for more.  He said maybe Wednesday or Thursday for the retrieval, so more holding pattern, more waiting.  Nothing is going the same as last time...it is taking longer, not seeing as much.  All I can hope for is that we didn't get the greatest results last time, so maybe this time, it will be better?  I am just kind of dead about it all.  I try not to think too much about it because it will just make me sad.  So, instead I am just empty inside.  I don't walk around like the hollow shell people you see, I fake it pretty well.  In fact, most people would have no idea how much I feel like I am barely hanging on by a thread.  But if you could see me on the inside, you would know I am just dead right now...well, maybe not dead yet, but in a deep hibernation.  And the emptiness I feel inside right now, it just gives me a bad feeling about it all.  I know I should be more optimistic, as it does actually help, placebo effect and all, but I guess I am like so many out there going through IVF...you have to shut off a little of yourself to not get crushed in this process.  And you still do, but you just think and hope that maybe by shutting off a little bit (or a lot), it saved you a little.  I am hoping it will be a joyous process here soon though.  Please God, send me a little baby, and if it is not too much to ask for, can it be a set of pigtails so J will be thrilled too??

Tough Day

Today has been a hard day.  I had another ultrasound today.  Dr. T told me he thinks we will get fewer eggs this time.  Nothing we can control. Just is what it is.

But hearing that makes me feel like I am failing.

Like my biggest desire is going to fall short- I may not get to be a "real" mom.

I am trying not to panic at the thought of it.

 I am trying to remember we have one healthy embryo on ice.

That in the end, I can be a mom, even if I don't give birth to a baby.

And I am trying to have faith.  Trying to remember that this may just be a small obstacle to overcome, so that when my precious Babycakes is here, that I will know in my heart completely, that J and I both wanted him/her to be our precious baby.  That I will know how hard fought this baby was, and will relish the victory of them being mine.  I am just going to keep praying.

It has been a weird day.  I see babies and pregnant people EVERYWHERE.  My old hairdresser had her baby today.  I log on to Facebook and wait to see more announcements of people who are expecting.  And I try not to be bitter.  I try and hang on to the possibility.  To the fact that Dr. T still thinks it will all work for me because he can't find anything to indicate that it won't.  I am holding out hope.  I am hanging in there for faith.  Our baby will be here...I just hope it is soon...

Back in the Stirrups

Today was the first day of monitoring.  It was a little stressful.  This first day is always one that is a little nerve-wracking to me.  I think it is just because it is that moment of truth appointment- does everything look like it is starting to work?

Today marks the start of monitoring for Round 2.  Another round of the daily stirrup show...

I had to drive in to town today for the appointment.  I had to go in to work, then had to take off from there.  I was all packed and loaded last night, so I could leave from the office.  I ran by the store to see J and say bye for the week, but of course, they got a rush, and he and I just got a quick kiss.  Then I was a speed demon the whole way here.  I miss him already, and it was so sad not to get a real goodbye.

I got in to my appointment just in time.  I got put in the back corner room- the procedure room.  I hate the room back there because it always seems like you get forgotten about back there.  I went back and changed.  And waited...and waited...and waited.  I know that IVF is very much about the hurry up and wait, but today completely demonstrated that point.  The nurse came in, and she had a trainee with her.  She was learning to do the ultrasounds.  I didn't mind being the guinea pig at first, but then she started to make me nervous because she couldn't see many follicles.  I didn't know if it was because they weren't there and growing or if it was because she was learning.  I know it is still early, so they are small and harder to see, but I was starting to sweat the small stuff- my small follicles!  They measured everything and then told me to wait while they went to talk to the doctor.  I waited and waited...I waited so long that another nurse came back to prep the room for someone else and saw me and went to get someone.  Dr. T came in soon after that and did the ultrasound again.  He made me feel better.  He thinks we may get another 7-9 eggs (similar to last time).  It wasn't the news I was hoping for, as I was hoping for more than last time, but after the first ultrasound, I was happy for that many since they only found 4 to measure.  Dr. T did up my Menopur dosage to 3 vials in 1 cc dilutent, and Follistim stayed at 225, and Lupron at 5.  I am hoping this will make the follicles grow- and that my eggs will be strong and healthy.  I am desperately hoping and praying that we will have good fertilization and embryo growth.  And J is still hoping for some pigtails.  I just want a healthy, happy baby to come from all this, and hopefully, on our first transfer...

Baseline...here we go again...

I had my baseline appointment yesterday.  I drove the 3 hours down to the appointment and got there just in time to circle the parking garage 6 times before I found a space.  I swear some times that is the worst part of the whole process- trying to find parking!  UGH!  I got in just in time.  They had a new receptionist, and she was super sweet.  I think All IVF clinics need super sweet receptionists.  Let’s face it, we are all either new to this and nervous or experienced and just a little bit damaged goods as we are walking in there- someone nice and sweet just helps.

 

My favorite nurse there did my baseline- everything looked ok.  My right ovary is super cooperative, and my left tried to hide.  We could hardly see it, and trying to identify follicles on it was pretty tough.  I am hoping it will cooperate.  They upped my Follistim dose from last time.  I was at 150 and now will be at 225.  Hopefully, that will mean better results.  My ovaries looked like they had the same number of antral follicles.  Not a ton, but not considered low.  Just maybe normal to low.  It is hard to say since it is so hard to see my left ovary.  Today, I hate my left ovary.  I just wish it were in a normal spot so it would be easy to access and see!  UGH!  I was fine with it all yesterday, but today when I think of it, I just want to cry about it.  But I am holding up ok… J was sweet yesterday when I texted him about it, and said “Awesome, bebe pigtails are coming”…it is cute because we call each other Bebe…so bebe pigtails would be our little girl, a little me.

 

I am trying to keep hopeful and faithful.  It is hard this time. I think it is the anxiety of knowing how last time turned out.  But I tell myself, if we get to the end and only have one more this time, we have doubled what we had before we started.  And it gives us two chances.  It just takes one, right?

Holding Pattern

I finished up the BC pills on Saturday.  I am in the holding pattern this week.  Wednesday is my baseline ultrasound, and after I get a good report there, I think I will feel better.  This time around, likely because of the last cycle, I just feel uneasy.  I am not nervous, but anxious.  I want this cycle to go well, and I am very much hoping for more eggs/fertilization/blastocysts.  I have had this uneasy feeling that it may not work.  That the FET might not go well.  And I am trying not to get worked up, and I am trying to have faith.  I have to have faith that God would not bring everything together this far to not give us a little baby.  I will be a mom, I just have to be patient, and calm down.  I cannot let myself flip out…but it is so hard. 

 

I am definitely feeling more hormonal this time around.  I just want to snap at everyone. All. The. Time.  I know I can’t, but in the moment, I just feel better.  It is awful, I know.  But I just feel so out of control.  And so fat.  And so bored.  And so blah.  Just a few more days and then I will feel like I am back to actively doing something again.  I can make it!  Then, I will have to schedule my follow up and get our news.  Back to the pattern, and this is only my 2^nd time.  I don’t know how people can live like this for years…but I guess you do.  You figure it out and you do.

 Still 20 units Lupron, prenatals, CoQ10, and baby aspirin.  No more birth control pills...for about a month.

 

Medications, Injections, & Mother's Day

Well, I got sick from the first antibiotic they gave me for prep on round 2.  If that is what morning sickness will be like, I am dreading it, but having a baby will be so worth it!!

 

Now, I am on a different antibiotic, and this one is working better.  I really look like I am sick- I take 6 pills each morning, and then with the injections, I am glad most people don’t ever see what I am taking or they would probably think I am really sick.  But I am not, just trying to have a baby!!! 

 

 

The injections are going fine, but they seemed to hurt a little more this time.  I think that maybe I just picked a few sensitive spots, or maybe I am just getting used to it again, because it is getting better.

 

I have been on 20 units of Lupron sine the 10^th.  Nothing says Happy Mother’s Day like a shot in the leg!  Mother’s Day was a little rough, but not as bad as years past.  I haven't really written a post on it because I am trying to stay positive, and talking about it usually makes me pretty sad.  I will post one, but just not right now.  This year, I at least feel like we are moving towards me being a mom.  I wasn’t as sad, but just tired and weary knowing I would be wished “Happy Mother’s Day” and feeling the emptiness that I am not a “real” mom.

 

In just less than a week, I go back in for my baseline appointment, and then the Saturday after that, I start all my stims.  I am a little nervous that those may hurt a little more this time.  I don’t know if it is because I am nervous about it, or if I remember how badly I bruised and that one hurt, or what.  They did tell me that an ice pack before I give myself the injection may help me avoid some bruising, so for the Follistim and Menopur, I am going to use them (they seemed to cause more bruising than the Lupron did).     Next update coming after the baseline- hopefully, my follicles will look good!

T-Minus 2.5 Days

Yesterday, we had our consult.  Dr. T was very nice, but I am not sure he totally understood how afraid I have been, and how brave I have tried to be.  I broke down in his office when I talked about how afraid I am that the embryo wouldn’t survive the thaw, and how I need to feel like I did my best to have a plan B.  He was concerned that the cost would be excessive, but J and I have reviewed the costs, and can swing it.  We can make the cost work, and while it is more than I had wanted to pay, it is a cost we can cover.   We start on Saturday with Round 2..t-minus 2.5 days and counting...

 

J is very tied to the idea of a girl, or as he calls it, Pigtails.  I saw a little more insight in to why yesterday too.  I think he wants to get to experience the side of sitting there and just watching his child instead of having to be the ever present coach, dad, mentor, etc.  And I don’t blame him.  I want him to get to have leisurely time with his child, not always structured.  He said he would feel guilty if it were a boy and he didn’t coach and do all he has done for his boys.  I get that.  I hope I can give him a girl.  But I also know we will love and support a boy too, and he will never question if we love him any less.

 

Today, I got the call about my meds.  They are so much cheaper this time around.  I have some left over, so I didn’t have to order as much, and Dr. T’s office gave me some of the Follistim that they had available.  That is a huge help.  The nurses there are so nice, and I want to get to do something nice for all of them.  I am thinking I may make a bunch of cookies or cupcakes the weekend before I start my next round and take them up there for my first appointment.  They have just been super awesome, and I think it would be a nice thank you.  We will see if I can swing that before I leave. J

Round Two

I need a place to put my thoughts down as we go through this journey…again.

 

I have wanted this for years.  I have prayed and prayed and prayed again.  I still do.  J only wants a little girl, since he already had 2 boys.  And I get it.  I do.  I want a little girl too.  I want a little girl to do little girl things with.  I desperately do.  But I want a baby more.  Round two…here we go.

 

Round one started in January with the initial consults, the exams.  By mid-March, we were underway, and J was being “harvested”.  Luckily, he still had lots of swimmers and they were all in good shape!  Not bad for almost 12 years post snip-snip.  The pressure was on me!  So, I started my piece at the end of March.  Poke, poke, poke, injection after injection, I diligently pursued my goal of becoming a babymaking machine.  By mid-April, I was a pro, and we were ready to retrieve my eggs.  We were hoping for 9 eggs, got 8 actual eggs, and 7 were mature enough to fertilize.  6 of the eggs made magic and then it was time to wait…for 5 whole days.  After the 5 days of waiting, only one little embryo was left.  I was devastated.  J was confident.  He said, “It is God’s plan”, and told me to relax.  We sent the sample off to be biopsied. J was confident it was a “normal” girl.  The results all come in as normal or abnormal, and are based on the right number of chromosomes.  We got the results back and it was a normal boy.  J almost didn’t believe me.  I was sad, but I would have done it anyways.  But J and I got to talking about it, and with my age (I am 32), and the concern about my egg quality (since so many failed to grow), we have decided to try one more time, and try and “bank” some more embryos just in case it takes more than one transfer to get there.  We are hoping for girls, but I will take a boy, or a monkey, for all I care!  I guess, if we have better “luck” or embryos this time, we will try for girls first, and save any boys, but I keep wondering in the back of my mind if J shouldn’t have been born a king, or in a country where an heir has to be male.  He is a male-making man!  Please God, just give make a girl happen…I just want a girl to make our family a little different than the “1^st” one.  I just want to give us a little something different.  So, tomorrow we start round two…

 

Here is a brief thought I wrote down a few days ago...right before we got the news on our "lonely only" embryo...

 

So, the last couple of nights I have had a dream that the embryo is fine, but it is a boy. Now, I am almost certain that we will have one embryo, but it will be a boy. I don't know whether I feel better or worse about it. I know Jason really wants a girl, and I would be willing to go through one more cycle before transferring it just to try and get more embryos so if it doesn't work the first time, we have a back-up, but I am scared that we will go through it all twice and still only end up with boys, and I don't know if I could get over it if he didn't want to have a boy then. Like, we gave it our best effort, but clearly you are only meant to have boys...and I just wonder whether he would really say no if we went through it twice and only ended up with boys...I desperately hope it is a girl, so I won't have to know.