The Green Eyed Monster

It has been a week since my last post.  Mainly, it is because we are in the dreaded waiting cycle.  I hate waiting.  I have gotten (a little) better at it, not by choice, but out of necessity.

The truly bizarre thing about it all is that mentally, I feel pregnant already.  And not in the sense of I have a baby in me, that would be cray-cray.  I feel like my little baby is real, that he is ready for me, and I for him.  That I am already a mom.  I have two little embryos waiting for me to take care of them, love them, and make them mine.  And isn't that what pregnancy is? (Beyond the physical parts, I know)

Speaking of being pregnant, Facebook can be a killer.  Every day I open it up (Ok, who am I kidding, I open it more than once a day...much more) and as I scroll through, I have the nervous feeling of who else will be Facebook officially pregnant.  Lately, I haven't been blindsided by too many announcements, probably because most of the people I know and follow (for reals) already just popped out a kiddo and therefore aren't knocked up again yet.  So, now instead of pregnancy posts, I get a million look at my new baby posts.  And I am truly happy for them, but I am also sad for me.  AND JEALOUS- so jealous.  Not in the I don't want you to have it sense, but in the why not me sense.  I hope and pray, and feel faith, that my day is coming, and soon, but I am still nervous and still jealous.  In fact, I read a blog that the woman just had an FET.  A few years ago, they transferred two embryos and she had twin girls.  They had two embryos left, and they were going to try again, hoping for a second set of twins.  (These people must be crazy- two sets of twins- be still my heart!)  Well, I, like so many of the blog readers, prayed for them.  I prayed when they thawed the embryos and when only made it through thaw.  And I prayed for a successful transfer too.  And it worked.  She is pregnant.  And I got so sad and so jealous.  And I felt so bad for it.  Here I had been praying for this very thing, and then I was jealous and sad.  I know that it is not a reflection on not wanting it for them, and just really desperately and fearfully wanting it for me, but I hate that I felt that way.  But I did feel it.  And I know that someday, when it is my turn to announce I am pregnant, someone may feel that way about me.  And I realize it is OK.  None of us are wishing away anyone else's success in this, just sad and jealous that it is not ours...yet.

Happy Anniversary!

Three years ago I married you, J!!  It was a beautiful day at the beach in San Diego, but I hardly noticed, because on that day, in front of our families and friends, I got to look in to your eyes and promise to stand by you forever, and I meant every word! Through all the ups and downs (and we have had more one than the other, and are so blessed for that), I will stand beside you and love you- for the man you were, the man you are, and the man you will become as we journey through life together! Three years down, and forever to go!!

Three Years

Tomorrow we will have been married 3 years.  It is a crazy realization that the 3 years have gone by so fast.  We dated for about 3 1/2 years before we got married, living together most of that time.  I feel like the time has gone by so fast, but at the same time, I struggle to remember what life was like before J and the boys were in it.  And so I know that this period of time when we are trying to add "our" child feels like it is so long, and so dark, and so awful, but I know once we are past this time, it will be but a moment in a life that will be overwhelmed with love.

Happy almost anniversary to my true love!  There is nobody I would rather be with!!

Good News...

So, it has been a few days since we got the news back that our little embryo was normal.  I was very excited to hear that because that morning I had a bad feeling about it.  But the news did come back that it was a boy.  I was disappointed.  I had so very much hoped we could have a little girl one this time.  It would give us even just the small chance to have one of each, and for me to be able to give J a girl.  I know he very much wanted a girl, and while I am aware that it is the man that determines the gender of the baby, I also felt guilty that because of my low egg counts, we just didn’t have the numbers to play the statistical game and come out with at least one girl embryo. 

 

This process has been so hard on me.  I was completely not prepared to find out I would be a stumbling block for us on this journey.  I think had we been able to try on our own for a while and not be successful, I would have been prepared.  But since we thought the only reason we couldn’t get pregnant was because J had a vasectomy, I was not prepared at all.  Add to it that every doctor we saw talked about how healthy we were and how easy it would be for us since we didn’t show signs of infertility, and well, maybe naively, I thought it would be smooth sailing.  I never paid attention to the numbers or stats because I thought they wouldn’t apply to me- we were only there because a tube had been cut and the swimmers couldn’t reach the shore so to speak.  So, once we got the swimmers, we would be fine.  But it wasn’t the case.  Even though all my levels were good, all my parts looked fine, and I am healthy, I was damaged.  And it breaks my heart that it may prevent us from my dream of having a baby.

 

But I am faithful.  I believe God brought us to this point.  I have to believe He wouldn’t have brought us to this juncture without us getting to have a baby, there were too many chances for us not to arrive at this place.  We have two boy embryos, and that is a sign to us that we are meant for a boy.  And while I was disappointed at first, I am excited about it now.  Little boys love their mommas, and he will be mine.  He will love me so much, and I will love him more than words can ever say.  And I know J will love him too.  How can you not fall in love with your child?  In fact, at first, he seemed more excited about a little boy than I did. 

 

So, for now, we are just waiting to really start the FET process.  My meds came yesterday, and I have been on birth control.  The injections will start in July, first Lupron, and then the progesterone in oil.  Not looking forward to the PIO injections because those are some BIG needles, but if it brings me my baby boy, I will take it!!  Until then…just more prayers for delivering a healthy and happy baby in April 2015!!

A Lonely Only

We got the news that only one embryo made it to biopsy.  I am a little disappointed but trying to remain optimistic…afterall, one is better than none!  Now I am hoping and praying for a genetically normal embryo!  Not much to update on because I am just kind of empty with that news, and it is just the waiting game.  I had a dream the other night after the last update, and in my dream we only got one.  I didn’t want to think or talk about it because I was hoping for better, but even after I woke up, I still felt oddly at peace with it.  Maybe that is the sign that this is it…that it is my baby.

Making a Baby

I called in for the fertilization report...and we have 3 fertilized eggs.  I was a little crushed by it.  I was at work, so I tried not to think about it too much.  I just had hoped for more.  I am really worried about the attrition rate of them, and whether or not we will have any make it.  Today is a tough day.  I will have my pity party today, then back to cautiously optimistic tomorrow.  Prayers will be said...ALOT.  I did talk to one of my nurses, and she told me I can call in on Monday for an update on the little embryos.  2 of them looked to fertilize and do nothing, and one totally broke apart, so maybe by Monday we will see some activity out of the 2...and hopefully, those 3 will still be growing strong!!

On a side note, I talked to the IVF coordinator, and got the transfer set up.  August 6th is my day.  I am excited, but nervous too.  And a little nervous about the progesterone in oil shots...those are some BIG needles!!

More to come.

Eggs, Sunnyside Up!

Today was egg retrieval day...and I was a nervous wreck going in to this! I didn't have a great feeling about it because I had so few follicles growing and they were growing SLOW! Dr. Thompson told me at one point we were shooting for 4 eggs because I only had 5 follicles. I was disappointed to say the least.

J drove me to the office, and waited with me. And we waited and waited and waited. The anesthesiologist was late. About 30 minutes late. As I sat there in the procedure room with J, I just kept praying. Praying for eggs. Praying for healthy eggs. But I would get scared and sad and J would cheer me up.

Well, they finally got an anesthesiologist down there and once he showed up, things started moving quickly. They rushed J off and put me out and got to work. AND WE GOT 7 EGGS!!! Woohoo! Tomorrow I call in the check how many fertilized. I am hoping and praying for all, or as close to it as we can get! I hate the waiting, but it will give me more time to pray for good results...We will know soon!!

I am continuing to pray!! We are one day closer until my baby is in my arms!

Pulling The Trigger...again

Today is trigger shot day.  I wish I could say I was excited.  But I am not even excited.  I am just nervous.  Anxious.  Disappointed.  Dr. T doesn't seem very optimistic about any of it right now.  It makes me pretty down about it.  Add to it J's general lack of interest at this point, and I am pretty upset.  I know why he isn't interested too- we have his boys this week during the summer custody schedule.  I told him before to make sure his ex-wife got the 1st week of summer, but he didn't do it.  Now he can't be bothered with me and all this.  And it is breaking my heart.  It really does hurt me.  He can't even seem to fake it.  There are lots of times I am not 100% interested in things other people are, but I fake it because that person is important to me, and I want them to feel important, and my interest in their interests, or what is happening in their lives, is part of what shows they are important to me.  J can't even act interested in this retrieval.  Lately, when I bring it up, he just acts like I am reading from a phone book.  And I get it, the boys could walk in and overhear something, so he just has to be nondescript, and not act all excited.  And maybe this is his way of lessening the disappointment if this doesn't work out.  But it still hurts me.  When you add to that hurt all of my disappointment that this cycle has brought so far, and it is almost more than I can take.

I wasn't prepared for this IVF journey.  I wasn't prepared for this to be so rough.  This was supposed to be simply because J had a vasectomy.  I wasn't supposed to be an issue.  We did all the tests, and everything came back as normal, Dr. T said he thought we would have excellent results because I was younger, healthy, and had good test results, no apparent reason we shouldn't have success.  And now we are struggling.  My follicle count was low, lower than last round, and it was a battle to get them to grow.  It makes me nervous that this may be a waste, that we won't get our baby.  And it breaks my heart because at the end of the day, J has two kids.  He is a dad, regardless of how this turns out.  But me, my only chance to be a mom is tied up in this.  I know there is adoption, but I am not sure I truly believe J is ready for that.  I don't think he understands how to truly love a child that doesn't share his biology.  Yes, he may come around to it, but he mentioned before he didn't know if he could be a step dad.  I think it is mostly in the sharing aspect, but there is a part of me that is fearful it is because he can't love a child that is not biologically his.  A long time back, I saw a special on donor kids- children that were born using donor sperm or eggs, or both.  The marriages of couples who used donor sperm did not last.  Most broke up, and most of the women talked about the man not having an appropriate bond with the child.  Women who carried the child made from donor eggs didn't face the same issues, as they bonded not through the biology, but through the gestation.  It definitely made me think.  But I always thought it would be J's sperm that might be the issue because his vasectomy was so long ago.  Instead it is me...I am failing at the one thing I wanted most...

But I am going to try and pick my head up.  Hold it up.  I am giving my trigger shot (1cc of dilutant to 1 vial of Novarel) tonight.  11 pm on the dot!  That will start a reaction in me that will finalize the maturation of my eggs, and prep them for ovulation.  Thursday, they will retrieve them, and between now and then, I will just pray that quality is going to be better and that quantity won't matter because I will have good eggs that will fertilize, grow, and be ready for transfer when it is time for our FET.  I just have to keep up my hope and faith.  We just need one to take...so it is time to pull the trigger, hope for the best, and then go to bed and dream of my baby being mine!