Crazy!

I am trying not to go absolutely nuts right now.  It is Monday, my transfer is on Friday, and it feels so close and still so far away.  I am incredibly nervous right now.  I have been trying to stay calm, but it is hard.  I keep having these reoccurring moments of terror that I forgot to take my meds, or change my patches, or something else like that, and now we can't move forward.  I don't know why that is so terrifying to me- to have to postpone the transfer, but it is.  I guess I am just afraid that it is a sign of something not meant to be, and I want so desperately to believe this baby is meant to be.  He is meant to be mine, and I am meant to be a mom.  I just need to have faith, take a deep breath, and try to relax.  Some of those are easier than others!!

Moving Along

I had my patch day 11 ultrasound to check my uterine lining.  Everything looked good.  It was triple layered (as it should be) and 12mm thick (between the 8-13mm range that is optimum), which was good to hear!  I had been VERY nervous that we would encounter another hiccup.  Instead, my nurse got hiccups while she was checking me out!  Haha!  I will take those hiccups over the ones we were having before!  ANYDAY and twice on Sunday!!

So, now I am just waiting it out until the 3rd.  It is going to be so hard- I am impatient by nature, and the nerves and anticipation may all just be too much!  But I can make it through- I have done it before, and I can do it this time.  It won't be easy, but if it works, it will be worth it!

It's All About Numbers

So, one thing that you might hear (sometimes a lot) in the IVF game, is that it is all about the numbers.  So here are some of my numbers…and this is only until today…we still have more to do before our transfer!

Days since we started this IVF journey: 259

For Jason (he has completed 1 TESA)

Doctor’s appointments: 2

Medical procedures: 1

Blood draws: 1

For Jessica (2 rounds of IVF (no fresh transfers), 2 embryo genetic testing, 1+ FET (we are mid-way through our second FET))

Doctor’s Appointments: 23 (just for my RE, not including others)

Doctor’s Appointments that had no point (follow ups and consults): 3

Medical procedures: 6

Ultrasounds: 19

Shots injected: 154 (not including tonight’s injection)

Blood draws: 17

Eggs retrieved: 15

Eggs fertilized: 9

Embryos biopsied: 2

Embryos genetically normal: 2

Acupuncture appointments: 10 (started prior to first FET)

Our Dollars spent: $24,310*

Insurance Dollars Spent: $12,700

*- does not count acupuncture costs (not covered by my insurance), add another $956 to date on it, with another $458 to go…

Pregnancies: 0

It’s the last number that hurts the most…and it is the one I am most anxious to see change!!

Another Hiccup...

Well, I had another hystroscopy yesterday.  Everything looked good- the polyps were all gone!  Woohoo!!  But, while Dr. C was looking around, he saw what looked like a follicle on my left ovary.  So off for bloodwork I went.  Depending on what that said, I would know whether or not to proceed with my patches that started today.  I was a nervous wreck.  I know God is bigger than anything my body can come up with, but it was so hard to have to wait and see...luckily, they called me when I was driving home, and everything was OK.  I mean, seriously, I only make a couple of follicles when I am on the stims, and yet when I am on the lupron, that is supposed to suppress everything, I still make 1??  UGH!  But it is not affecting anything right now, so I guess that is all ok.  Just typical of this whole process for us!

I started my first patch today.  I am trying to be good and avoid all caffeine I can.  I did have a Chick-fil-A sweet tea yesterday.  Which is OK-I am technically allowed up to 150 mg a day, but have tried to eliminate all that I can.  The caffeine in chocolate is about all I am having, and most of it is milk, so it is pretty low.

So, I have been in a weird emotional place lately.  Both boys have made comments lately about wanting a little sister. It kills me knowing that we so desperately wanted a girl, and got boy embryos. I just am hoping that they come around to a little brother just the same.  And if it doesn't work this time, I am going to be praying again for a girl.

I don't know what God is trying to teach me lately, but I am just trying to listen, to have faith, and to be patient.  It is hard, the whole journey has been hard, but it will all be worth it!

A Little Hiccup

So, I had my hysteroscopy on Monday.  I was supposed to have my baseline appointment today.  I went in, and of course, I got there early.  They took me back and I sat there for a while, and waited while Dr. C finished up another procedure.  I was seeing Dr. C because Dr. T was out of town, and I needed to get it done before Dr. T would be back. 

 

Dr. C finally came in (I had to wait a while, but oh well, I understand, and when I am having a procedure and need extra time, I want them giving it to me!), and we chatted and started.  He said I wouldn’t need to come in for another baseline because it wasn’t going to change enough in 2.5 days to make it worth another trip down- woohoo!  Save me some vacation or sick leave.  Then, as he got in to my uterus, we saw them…thin, fingerlike, little polyps.  Uh-oh!  I got concerned.  He said not to be.  But that he wanted me to come back in after I start my period.  He thinks they are just little piece of my lining and will come out with my period, and if not, he said they are small, so I can have them removed and it shouldn’t affect my transfer.  I am still nervous.  But I did realize I like seeing Dr. C.  He is pretty straightforward, and that makes me feel calmer about it all than Dr. T’s lack of details at times.  I can make it through if I have all the info, I can process and deal with it.  But the “what ifs” and “not so sures” are scary.  And I think Dr. T does it to try and prevent worry, but in someone like me, I want to know the best, worst, and most likely cases.  I am an engineer…this is the life I live in, and if I know what my ends are and what is likely, I can make it through.  So, I think if we have to do another round after this one, I will likely try and switch to Dr. C.  I am hoping I won’t have to though.  I am hoping that this one will work.  And I will see how I feel about it all after Monday, when I go in for my next hysteroscopy…